Well I'm still single.

Haha - okay that made me laugh so that's good. It's 2:30 a.m. and I am awake because Cretona got inspired musically so he woke me up. In all fairness (which I don't really want to be buuuut) I might have woken up anyway. I fell asleep at 11:30 which is like going to bed at 6:30 for normal people I guess. I am ugh - I don't know - lonely? Frustrated and lonely. I want something - an itch inside my soul to be scratched and I want a beautiful, sweet, manly, quiet, kind, sexy, wonderful man to do it. I want him to be close but to go away. I want everything and nothing. I want more comedy - SOOO much more comedy but I also want rest and health and and and ANDDD - peace of mind. Something I have struggled with my whole life even before I was a total mess was is energy. And lately I am so mother fucking tired. So fucking tired. I feel like I keep trying to figure out this puzzle and there is some really simple clue that would help me but I don't know what it is or how to find out where to look for it. Does that make sense? Am I being honest? There is a hunger for something inside me and I am also exhausted. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I know what part of the problem is. I refuse to pray and meditate consistently. It's like going to bed early - I just got woken up and I HATE being woken up. I am worried that I will meditate more or try to and then I will just get upset anyway. Have I already said this? It's like not making the bed. I have said this. If I didn't say it here I said it in my journal. I didn't want to make the bed for years because it just got messed up again. For the first 2 years I lived here I would sleep on my mattress only - no sheets. The sheets would be on the bed sometimes but just in a clump - with my other clean clothes/dirty clothes combo clump. I would even wash the clump sometimes and then still never actually make the bed. Now I make the bed. I love getting into a made bed and coming home to a made bed. To a clean room with flowers in it. I am so fucking tired and if I pray and meditate I bet I will fall asleep. If I focus on healing more I bet I won't be as lonely or longing for love. Ah - love. Hugs and warmth and kind words. Oh dear. Lonely.