I watched The Town and now

I can't stop crying. It reminded me of my first love and how he's dead and how no one will ever love me like that. I don't know - I think I really might be going crazy. I don't know how to explain it - just a different type of love - a different feeling. How am I supposed to believe that anyone will ever love me like that again? What am I talking about? I'm so sad - I'm so depressed. Why am I writing about this?? It's 4:56 a.m. in the morning and I'm lonely and I smell. I can't stop crying. I miss the ocean. I miss being something. I feel like I don't exist. I'm bored and I'm - I don't think it's going to be alright - I really don't. Maybe I will become a bank robber. Okay that's ridiculous. I don't have enough energy. I feel sick and I feel like - I guess I feel like drinking. I really hope this passes. I feel like failure all over again. Maybe it would have never worked out for me no matter what choices I made. Maybe if he lived we would have never been together anyway. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. I'm so sad. I'm so fuckng depressed and I have to waitress tomorrow night. Just when you think it can't get any worse - go waitress. I give up. I have no dreams anymore - I'm too tired - I'm too old. I just want to go to the beach and read books and get fat. I don't want to get fat. I guess I'm not that depressed if I don't want to get fat. This will pass right? I will feel better. Maybe one day I will forgive myself. Maybe one day I will let myself be happy somehow. Maybe.