This is going to be hard to believe but I'm miserable.

I have waited for 4 hours for it to go away and I've stopped shaking but I'm still upset. Work tonight was AWFUL - I made 80 dollars and everyone was getting sooo crazy for New Years and I wasn't working the second show so I just wanted to leave - I was really tired, felt sick and dehydrated and I was DONE. Well the girl who always says "How much of a mess I was" and how I've "Done just SO much damage to my body" (because she's a fucking doctor and has tested me??) wanted to share a cab home. Well she's always last doing everything and I was like listen I really need to get out of here - are you ready - because if you are going to take awhile I need to just go. She says she's going to be just a minute. I go get my water and wait outside for her and watch drunken a-holes walking down the street for about 10 minutes. She finally comes outside and we walk a block to try and catch a cab - an avenue block. Well on the walk we talk about how unfair it is we didn't get to work and how unfair it is there - and so I get even more upset and I was already annoyed at waiting for her. We get to 3rd avenue and there's 7/11 there and I was like "I'm just going to get a hot dog - do you mind if I get a hot dog?" And she says "You need to calm down - what do you mean you need a hot dog?" Plus she was annoyed - she just wanted to go home. Well so now I'm even MORE annoyed that she tells me to calm down. Then there are NO cabs - NONE - of course - and a gypsy cab comes over and we get in. I tell him where we are going to go and he says - 25 dollars - okay - and starts driving. Then she's like - "OHHH (to ME - NOT to him) that's so much?? What??? ohhhh..." I say it's 15 just to my house - you just get out first. Then I say (and now I'm really fucking annoyed and would have rather paid 35 dollars to have gotten home already WITHOUT HAVING TO TALK OR DEAL WITH HER) "We can get out - do you want to get out?" She says no and then acts all upset. Then I try to converse with her - tell her a friend is getting married tonight - she says it's stupid to get married on New Years Eve (I know - right??? She's a douche right?). Then the cab stops really short and SCARES me so I squeaked and she says "CALM DOWN - you need to CALM down - you are making me uncomfortable." I said "I'm so sorry - my apologies." And then I stopped talking - told myself I am NEVER FUCKING EVER sharing a cab with this fucking bitch ever again and you know what else??? I'm not taking her stupid money - fuck her. Enjoy the free cab and get your OWN FUCKING CAB. She's black and always makes me get the cab because she says no one will pick her up. I said the other night that I felt like she was using me. Which I realized tonight - SHE IS. And I'm done. I would have rather walked home. Through the fucking park - with a sign on that said "Free New Years Eve Blow Jobs - just sneak up on me - that's how I like it."
When I was drinking I shared cabs with her and one night she was SO fucking mean to me and yelled at me in the cab and then a few times after that asked me to share a cab and then - get this - TURNED HER BACK TO ME - the whole way to her place. So she has real issues with me and you know what - she disrespects me and always says the most derogatory things to me and I was hoping that it was because of me but it's not. She's an asshole. If you think I'm such a piece of shit why do you want to travel together? And why the fuck are you telling me to CALM DOWN??? When has that ever worked in the history of someone being upset? And I wasn't doing anything to her - AT ALL. So then we pull up near her place and again the cab driver stops short - only this time Little Miss Cunt Face goes "Ohhh - oh!!" I tell her "Don't worry about it - it's on me - Merry Christmas - Happy New Year (and in my mind I was like get the fuck out PLEASE). She says - nooo - noo it's New Years - gives me 15 dollars (SLOWWWLY) and I give her back 5 and she says "Okay well - see you tomorrow" and then says "Get some rest" in the most passive aggressive nasty - so doesn't mean get some rest but GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER nasty fucking whatever way and I said "You too." Then she walks away all slow and shocked and JUDGEY and I WAS SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!! I should have never waited for her. I should have left. I was trying to be nice and polite and I could have cared less about the money. Look it takes 2 to tango right? I'm in this equation but I swear to God - I'm taking myself out of it. It's like she thinks I owe her something and I know that I do not. I'm sorry that I had a drinking problem and that it somehow made you MAD at me. WEll FUCK YOU. Do yourself a favor and NEVER EVER have children because you don't have an empathetic bone in your body. What an asshole. I was so mad I went and got Chinese food and angry ate it. It's better than drinking. The real issue is with the fact that I wouldn't just let myself leave. I should have left. And it hurts my feelings how she acts towards me and I also feel sorry for her because she says some really ridiculous things and I have no idea what she is talking about. She wanted to go therapy but got a life coach for a year instead. She paid for a YEAR'S worth of life coaching. I don't know but that's the kind of shit I used to do and it's NUTS. How can you be MEAN to me and MAD at me that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict? Why does that bother YOU? If she didn't like it WHY would she get in a cab with me? To save 12 dollars??? And if she still thinks I'm an asshole - which I realized without a doubt tonight that that's exactly what she thinks (and I could care LESS - thank you very much) - then why years later are you still asking me to share a cab?
I sent her a message once - on facebook - a private message and I said - listen I know we have had our differences but as a child of God - I love and respect you. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. I might not have said the respect part but I like how it sounded in my head just now. I just said as a child of God I love you. Oh well. I have a ways to go. A long long ways. I feel very frustrated. It's a new year. A whole new decade. I downloaded that sound "Fuck You" and listened to it and danced and that was AMAZING. My girlfriend introduced me to the song yesterday. SO great. So this year I'm going to dance more. I miss it and I love it. I was so upset that Little Miss Cunt Face wasn't my friend tonight. No warmth, caring or understanding. Why do I think that can come from everyone? Why do I expect that? That's unfair of me. Expectations. Maybe I took a shit on her when I was drunk one night and she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings about it OR how to approach me to talk about it. Perhaps. My new name for her is Little Miss Cunt Face Who I Might Have Taken A Shit On. That's a long name and not a very nice one. Well congratulations to her!!! She just won a new name. It's got quite a ring to it. I am going to keep working on myself and pray that this won't be how I always react to things. I feel - okay - I HOPE I will feel terrible about writing this. Thank you for being here Blueberry. I love you and I don't think you are a cunt face.