I'm not feeling so well.

I've got a cold and it's bringing me down. This whole weekend is bringing me down. My friend wanted me to go to Ct. and I started feeling sick and then she cancelled anyway. I tried to call her and she never called me back and I was so worried that she was mad at me. I was totally freaking out and then she just sent me an email and cancelled. I feel so fucking gross. I have a clogged head and gross things are coming out of my nose. I feel like I gained 45 pounds and I look like I did. So I guess it was 2 weeks of just eating whatever I wanted and it finally caught up with me. I'm depressed and I am exhausted. I got home from going to a meeting and grocery shopping and the landlord was like "oh there's no heat." Then I realized there was no hot water. By the time it was 10:00 there was heat again but I was freezing and miserable and didn't WANT to take a shower anymore. And I NEED one - badly. I am having that "I need to wash my hair weirdo brain" thing that happens to me when I need to wash my hair really badly. I don't want to go do all the things I'm supposed to do tomorrow. Therapy, meditation meeting, show and walk a bunch all over the place. I'm fucking stressed out for fucks sake. And - fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel UGLY for crying out loud!!! I felt so amazing on Wednesday and now - after that horror weekend at work I feel sick and exhausted, dirty and gross. It was the worst weekend. Cut my finger on a pack of gum, got an entire tray of alcohol poured all down the front of me - I was SOAKED. I got punched (okay elbowed - HARD) by two different customers and it fucking HURT thank you very much. Then on Saturday I made not a lot of money,was so fucking rude and mean to this one bartender and ate the equivalent of a large pizza between the two days. Plus nachos, french fries and soda. THERE'S why I'm fat - SODA. Right because the pizza and everything else had nothing to do with it. Let's see - cheese sticks and one of those fancy thick chocolate bars also. What the fuck is going on with me? I've lost total control of myself. OH SHIT and last night I ate an entire thing of hummus with potato chips when I got home. I'm going to cry. I just sighed - a soft, sad sigh. I shared at the meeting I was at tonight and I felt so stupid. Why do I open my mouth? Why doesn't anyone love me? What am I supposed to do with my life? Who am I? I don't feel well is all. Why do I lie? Why do I bullshit? Why do I watch entire series of shows and then think that my life is something like that? Why am I sick right now? I feel like I made a mistake - how can I be sick AGAIN? I never used to get sick. Now I'm just sick all the fucking time. Depressing. I need to go to bed. Fuck - I'm already stressed out about this week. I guess I will just have to see how I feel tomorrow. Bye.