Drilling in the wall.

It's actually the washing machine but it sounds like drilling. I actually called my father and asked him what was wrong with the machine - he told me and I told the landlord. He had the plumber come and do a bunch of things that had nothing to do with fixing the thing that was wrong. It's so loud - it's awful. I have to say something to him when I go down there. It's really more than I can take - I'm going to freak out and he definitely won't react well to that. Whenever anyone gets mad at him he says they are abusing them. Haha - that just made me laugh. It's so manipulative and ridiculous. Someone gets mad at him for this kind of stuff - even though they probably have been patient for months - and then he's like "Why are you being so cruel and abusive? What happened in your childhood that would make you react so poorly to me??" Well I can tell you what happened in my childhood when a washing machine was making a completely INSANE sound - SOMEONE WOULD FIX IT!!!! Christ. Did I tell you about his boyfriend who looks like his son? I'm not kidding - if someone saw them together they would only think father and son. Don't get me wrong - he seems much happier and the kid really seems to like him. So I guess it's nice except for the part where it makes me sick kind of. It just seems so - Lolitaish only not sexy and ew. Like - ew. I'm being mean. Yes YES I'm being mean and I LOVE IT!!! Give me a fucking break. Have you ever tried to meditate or even collect your thoughts for that matter and then someone starts doing something that sounds like drilling in your bathroom? All because he won't spend 300 dollars for a part. What a fucking asshole. Hopefully after I get out of the shower I will be calmer and I can say something. I can't wait to hear his excuse as to why the part hasn't been ordered or why it isn't fixed. He's such a fucking liar - and not a good one either. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a second grader. I will be like "Oh - oh really - so you met the Dali Lama underground with Richard Gere and a bunch of other important people and he said you were the one he was looking for?" Listen - it could be true - it really could. But the way he tells the story makes it sound like it's a lie and he has zero understanding for the fact that it sounds like a ridiculous story. Also I have caught him in flat out lies a million times anyway. Little ones, big ones, ones he forgets. He will tell me something and forget he said it and then when I ask him about it he can't remember what I'm talking about. I guess part of that is the marijuana. Look I like living here - why am I talking so much shit? I just got mad. I have to pee and I have to get ready and try to pray and meditate. I feel better today so I will be able to go about my planned events. Jeez. Jeez Louise.

I'm not feeling so well.

I've got a cold and it's bringing me down. This whole weekend is bringing me down. My friend wanted me to go to Ct. and I started feeling sick and then she cancelled anyway. I tried to call her and she never called me back and I was so worried that she was mad at me. I was totally freaking out and then she just sent me an email and cancelled. I feel so fucking gross. I have a clogged head and gross things are coming out of my nose. I feel like I gained 45 pounds and I look like I did. So I guess it was 2 weeks of just eating whatever I wanted and it finally caught up with me. I'm depressed and I am exhausted. I got home from going to a meeting and grocery shopping and the landlord was like "oh there's no heat." Then I realized there was no hot water. By the time it was 10:00 there was heat again but I was freezing and miserable and didn't WANT to take a shower anymore. And I NEED one - badly. I am having that "I need to wash my hair weirdo brain" thing that happens to me when I need to wash my hair really badly. I don't want to go do all the things I'm supposed to do tomorrow. Therapy, meditation meeting, show and walk a bunch all over the place. I'm fucking stressed out for fucks sake. And - fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel UGLY for crying out loud!!! I felt so amazing on Wednesday and now - after that horror weekend at work I feel sick and exhausted, dirty and gross. It was the worst weekend. Cut my finger on a pack of gum, got an entire tray of alcohol poured all down the front of me - I was SOAKED. I got punched (okay elbowed - HARD) by two different customers and it fucking HURT thank you very much. Then on Saturday I made not a lot of money,was so fucking rude and mean to this one bartender and ate the equivalent of a large pizza between the two days. Plus nachos, french fries and soda. THERE'S why I'm fat - SODA. Right because the pizza and everything else had nothing to do with it. Let's see - cheese sticks and one of those fancy thick chocolate bars also. What the fuck is going on with me? I've lost total control of myself. OH SHIT and last night I ate an entire thing of hummus with potato chips when I got home. I'm going to cry. I just sighed - a soft, sad sigh. I shared at the meeting I was at tonight and I felt so stupid. Why do I open my mouth? Why doesn't anyone love me? What am I supposed to do with my life? Who am I? I don't feel well is all. Why do I lie? Why do I bullshit? Why do I watch entire series of shows and then think that my life is something like that? Why am I sick right now? I feel like I made a mistake - how can I be sick AGAIN? I never used to get sick. Now I'm just sick all the fucking time. Depressing. I need to go to bed. Fuck - I'm already stressed out about this week. I guess I will just have to see how I feel tomorrow. Bye.

Hi Friday!

So far I walked the dog, went and got coffee (x2), ate my breakfast, made the bed, took my vitamins and supplements, ummm I guess that's all. I cleaned up a little bit also. I'm going to prune my flowers and then get in the shower and go write with my cousin. Work was horrendous last night. I acted like an a-hole and I didn't make that much money. I also got annoyed at the cab driver and that's not fair. I didn't get to take a shower before I left because I was getting my ticket for the wedding and I really - I think it effected me. Possible affected me. I also didn't pray or meditate and FOR SURE that affected/effected me. I didn't get that much sleep last night but I am so glad I woke up in time to do all the things I need to do to feel okay and also NOT blow off my cousin. Soooo - I guess I better go so I can pray and meditate because I almost forgot that part. Holy long day ahead. Oh my gosh this snow is doing amazing things for my body!! It's even more of a work out walking everywhere - I love it. I love it for now anyway. Talk to you later Blueb - love your face. That seems strange. Love your face. Okay - byyyeeee.

So many amazing bands!!

Fitz and The Tantrums, Mumford and Sons, James Morrison and me. What?? I know - I had to add myself. I love great music. I have shows tonight and I'm nervous. I'm nervous about the one at 11:00 because I wasn't very good on that one the last time I did it - at all. But I have been wrtiting and performing and having fun onstage so that should - well - uuumm - jeez - that should mean that this time I will at least have fun. Okay - it's late but that's okay - I'm up until all sorts of crazy hours anyway. I just had some eggs and swiss cheese and it was so delicious. Sooo - I think I'm avoiding actually getting in the shower and going. I need to buy my plane ticket for my cousin's wedding and for some reason it wouldn't work last night. Okay - gotta go Blueb - if I had a new band it would be called Blueb. I miss playing music although nothing is stopping me!!! Byeee :):)

I have fallen in love with

The Riches and because of that show - The Weepies. I LOVE both. I am IN love with both. Too soon? It's 3:59 p.m. (even though my computer says a.m. because I don't know how to fix it) and I feel very tired and done and I have only been up for an hour and a half. I was watching The Riches until 7:00 a.m. I did another show last night and it was SO much fun while I was performing. I loved it. I do love it. I have an actual real show tomorrow night and that open mike first. Oh and another show I wanted to go to in between. I really don't feel like leaving Harlem at all right now. I should go to my meeting and get some food. I'm in my pajamas still. I think I will put on comfy clothes and go even though I don't want to. Yes and get some food. Come back here and write and watch shows. Fuuuuunnnn. I think if I just stay here I will get depressed. I KNOW I will. Okaaay sooo that's all I have. Holy shit I'm so tired. Tonight I'm going to bed at a decent hour. Byyeeeee Blueb!!!

Penelope.

I just watched a really cute movie called Penelope. It's about a girl with a pig nose who basically just needs to love herself the way she is - or someone for that matter - but she ends up doing it first and then the pig nose would go away. The curse of the pig nose I should say. A modern day fairy tale it was. I loved the visuals in the movie and the colors and I LOVE fairy tales. I also happen to love pigs and oddities of all kinds. I went to a show tonight in Park Slope. IT was fucking FREEZING but I'm so glad I/we went. I went with my same comedy buddy and I saw people from years ago. It was fun. I feel more inspired. I went to a new meeting tonight and there were soooo many cute guys. SO cute. I was all excited until I found out my 2 favs were gay(#1 guy) and YOUNG(#2 guy). I mean young like not done growing yet and gay like GAY. I tried the "Who cares if he's gay my ex-husband was gay and we still got married" justification but I ended the argument right at that. My friend said something to me that I found very interesting. She said if she's at a meeting to heal her spiritual problem and she's thinking about guys all the while she's there then her purpose isn't really fulfilled. At this moment I'm having trouble as to why that's a bad thing but at the time it seemed profound. I was so upset at that show because I wasn't getting special attention at first. Can you imagine? The same thing happens when I'm waitressing - I really expect to be treated special somehow. That being said I'm really going to work on how I am at work. I get so off myself. That's all there is to it. I would like to work on staying on my feet. I don't know how else to explain it. Keeping myself centered. When I got home last night I took a shower and did some yoga and that helped SO much. So mother fucking much. I'm going to do that right now. Bye Blueb - I love you. p.s. My landlord/house mate is banging the FUCK (HA!!) out of his "boyfriend" right now for the past 2 1/2 hours. Jeez.

Life goes

slowly on. I have a weird pain in my body - I can't describe it even. I swear - I have to stop watching shows. And movies. I think I'm really freaking out on Netflix - and Blockbuster and Hulu. I needed to do that when I wasn't feeling well still but I feel much better and there are other life choices I can be making. I mean living. There are other life choices I could be DOING that would be more living like. Holy cow. It's coooold out today. Not that I've been outside but I read it's cold. The pain in my body is like I sprained my butt. But on the inside and nothing to do with my colon. I think I walked to hard on my right ankle. Okay well I have to go to work. It was slow last night!! I still did okay. Deep breath in and go!!!

I heard a woman talk tonight

about how she prayed and prayed with all her might and she figured some things out and how she was set free and ultimately got what she wanted. I have no idea if that's 100 percent what she said but that's what I heard. I am going to pray more. I did today - prayed and meditated and I am again before I sleep. I also have to admit that my dreams might not turn out to look the way I want them to. I mean what I really want is to be creative and work in a loving bursting with love and awesome energy environment and to be excited and fulfilled. Fun and funny also. Maybe I don't want to sit at open mikes or - well - to be honest - um why focus on what I don't want? I want healthy invigorating, loving awesomeness. Amazing people and wonder and awe. I got some really great advice from 2 different guys tonight and I really believed both of them and both of them were coming from a really nice place. I want to be creative and I am BURSTING to be creative. This is now going to be the only thing I'm going to focus on. No more guys and no more looking in the past. Creation, love color and - prayer and meditation. Haha - oh boy. By no more guys I mean no more OBSESSING over guys who I have not any kind of relationship with. Um - exactly. Maybe on here I should do some kind of writing exercises. Like poems or something? Haha - oh boy again. Well I feel a little less crazy and I did my right work today. Jesus this is hard. And yet not. ART IT IS!!!!!

I watched The Town and now

I can't stop crying. It reminded me of my first love and how he's dead and how no one will ever love me like that. I don't know - I think I really might be going crazy. I don't know how to explain it - just a different type of love - a different feeling. How am I supposed to believe that anyone will ever love me like that again? What am I talking about? I'm so sad - I'm so depressed. Why am I writing about this?? It's 4:56 a.m. in the morning and I'm lonely and I smell. I can't stop crying. I miss the ocean. I miss being something. I feel like I don't exist. I'm bored and I'm - I don't think it's going to be alright - I really don't. Maybe I will become a bank robber. Okay that's ridiculous. I don't have enough energy. I feel sick and I feel like - I guess I feel like drinking. I really hope this passes. I feel like failure all over again. Maybe it would have never worked out for me no matter what choices I made. Maybe if he lived we would have never been together anyway. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. I'm so sad. I'm so fuckng depressed and I have to waitress tomorrow night. Just when you think it can't get any worse - go waitress. I give up. I have no dreams anymore - I'm too tired - I'm too old. I just want to go to the beach and read books and get fat. I don't want to get fat. I guess I'm not that depressed if I don't want to get fat. This will pass right? I will feel better. Maybe one day I will forgive myself. Maybe one day I will let myself be happy somehow. Maybe.

I feel crazy.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I didn't go and perform tonight and I'm here at my house and I watched the worst foreign film EVER. Very beautiful to look at but it ended in a plane crash - I think?? I hate that vague shit. The whole time I was watching it I was like - "I don't feel right - I should just shut this off." Then it ends in what seems like a plane crash - I'm not sure and both ways it's an AWFUL movie I don't care if it's in Paris. A-holes. Then my Six Feet Under DVD won't work because it's cracked. I think my friend is mad at me for not going and performing tonight and for coming and speaking for me at the meeting yesterday. Why are people such a-holes? I feel awful. Is it because I need to wash my hair? I just feel crazy and gross. Yes - gross. I know praying and meditating will help but I don't want to do it. I'm tired. I'm mother fucking exhausted. Why at this point in my life will I suddenly get my shit together? It's over. I will never amount to anything. I'm just depressed. I need to have a spiritual awakening or I need - what? I have no idea. I should probably just go to bed. My mind hurts and my soul feels fat and numb. Yeesh. Bye Blueb.

My therapist said that one of the

reasons why I am so tired is because of the negative environment at work and because I sit on my creative energy. I do feel that I guess. I really miss writing more and doing more creative projects. I went over to my cousin's place today and we wrote and that was really fun. We had some good laughs. I don't know - I just wanted to say that. Some major shift of energy has to happen - I really feel that. That might be the missing piece of the puzzle. Okay - bye for now Blueb:). That's going to be one of my nicknames for you - Blueb. I like it, I think it's cute.

Well I'm still single.

Haha - okay that made me laugh so that's good. It's 2:30 a.m. and I am awake because Cretona got inspired musically so he woke me up. In all fairness (which I don't really want to be buuuut) I might have woken up anyway. I fell asleep at 11:30 which is like going to bed at 6:30 for normal people I guess. I am ugh - I don't know - lonely? Frustrated and lonely. I want something - an itch inside my soul to be scratched and I want a beautiful, sweet, manly, quiet, kind, sexy, wonderful man to do it. I want him to be close but to go away. I want everything and nothing. I want more comedy - SOOO much more comedy but I also want rest and health and and and ANDDD - peace of mind. Something I have struggled with my whole life even before I was a total mess was is energy. And lately I am so mother fucking tired. So fucking tired. I feel like I keep trying to figure out this puzzle and there is some really simple clue that would help me but I don't know what it is or how to find out where to look for it. Does that make sense? Am I being honest? There is a hunger for something inside me and I am also exhausted. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I know what part of the problem is. I refuse to pray and meditate consistently. It's like going to bed early - I just got woken up and I HATE being woken up. I am worried that I will meditate more or try to and then I will just get upset anyway. Have I already said this? It's like not making the bed. I have said this. If I didn't say it here I said it in my journal. I didn't want to make the bed for years because it just got messed up again. For the first 2 years I lived here I would sleep on my mattress only - no sheets. The sheets would be on the bed sometimes but just in a clump - with my other clean clothes/dirty clothes combo clump. I would even wash the clump sometimes and then still never actually make the bed. Now I make the bed. I love getting into a made bed and coming home to a made bed. To a clean room with flowers in it. I am so fucking tired and if I pray and meditate I bet I will fall asleep. If I focus on healing more I bet I won't be as lonely or longing for love. Ah - love. Hugs and warmth and kind words. Oh dear. Lonely.

Hi Morning!!

It used to be High Morning all the time and how happy am I that now it's just Hi Morning?? The answer is very. I did another show last night - well ugh - to be honest open mike. I don't want to be honest but I think it's best. I don't want to be high anymore but I don't particularly want to be honest all the time yet either. I'm getting there though. A little painful step at a time. Comedy went well - even though the audience was VERY tired and - well - just quiet? But I got them laughing. I was so exhausted before I performed and so invigorated when I was done. Ha - I was going to write woke up. I was thinking "after I woke up" in my head. It's so quiet here right now. It's so nice. I got enough sleep I guess although the alarm had to wake me up. I watched Earth Girls Are Easy last night and it was made when I graduated from high school. Holy shit - what a ridiculous movie and SOOO 80's. They were all having a total blast making that movie - haa - so silly and goofy - I loved it. I'm supposed to go meet my cousin today and write. She's pregnant. I am so nervous about this meeting I am running today. Last time it was a total disaster and everyone was mad and WANTED me to know. Haha - how ridiculous. Ha!! Okay alright okay. Well this was a tiny bit boring I suppose but that's okay - boring is nice sometimes. Byyeeee Blueberry :):):)

Remind me not to drink 6 shots of espresso and one

cup of coffee ever again. Why would I think I could do that and be tired - ever. I am so wide awake. I did my hair - I even straightened it. I think the most hilarious part of seeing Soft Hugger (and by hilarious I mean depressing) is realizing he is so not interested in me romantically. Which me even saying that is ridiculous because it wasn't like he seemed like he was before ANYWAY. I am such a helpless romantic - I can't help it. I watched Romancing The Stone, Easy and Return To Me - all made me cry - so hard. Oh I guess not Romancing The Stone - that made me laugh buuut it still was kind of romantic - or something like it. Well - I will just have to keep watching Romance!! Six Feet Under one night and romance the next. I LOVE that show - it's sooo dark and sooo funny. Why did I drink that much coffee? I have cellulite all over my body and I'm thin - thinner I should say than I used to be. Who cares. I love myself (I'm practicing). Bye. P.S. Remember when I said I was soooo over men. Okay I am again but not movie stars.

I took care of myself by

not going to work tonight. I went to a meeting - went to Forever 21 (I know - so ridiculous) and got a cute pair of cheap boots and a 13 dollar sweater. I returned my movies and both were 2 days late but the guy was nice and only charged me for one of them. Then I went to the health food store and got some things and decided to go to 9th Avenue to my favorite Thai place. As I was walking towards it out of a restaurant comes Soft Hugger and I guess a woman he was on a date with. He was really nice and went to hug me but stopped because I was so freaked out. I was so out of it today - I never really had woken up even at that point and I was SO shocked to see him. I got shaky and nervous and the reason why I was so surprised was because I thought he wasn't in town. I thought he was away because I'm a weirdo and look at his performing schedule on his website. I am never doing that again. He was so nice and introduced me to the woman and she was very sweet and pretty. He asked me if I live around there and then asked me where I live. When I told him that I live in a Bed and Breakfast he said "I don't know why but that seems romantic to me for some reason." Only he looked at her when he said it. They seemed really comfortable with each other. I can't imagine being that comfortable with someone. They strolled off slowly together. After he said that she said "I think it sounds affordable." Haha - that was funny. Only she wasn't trying to be funny. Which made it more funny. I guess I feel better after writing this. I dreamed last night I was pregnant and I was so happy. I also dreamed I had a little tiny gray kitten. It was so warm and fuzzy. My heart almost broke all day every time I saw a child or a baby. The only time it didn't was in Forever 21 when this horrible 2 year old was screaming and trying to escape/explode from his stroller. I don't blame him at all but it was awful and it took away the ticking clock for 30 seconds.I'm really emotional. I'm lonely but more than that I'm trying to let myself realize that it's okay for me to really fall in love again sometime. With myself and someone else. Love is possible and should be. I hope someday after I stop being a weirdo around Soft Hugger I can feel comfortable around him but more than THAT I hope one day I'm dating someone that I can stroll off comfortably with. Who also fucks my brains out. Just saying. I'm going to do my hair now and watch ANOTHER movie on Netflix. It's only 2:14 a.m. - why not?

I'm freaking out.

What if I never have a baby? What if no one ever loves me? What if I never get to travel and see my family or have health insurance? Someone asked me to work tomorrow night and I feel like I should - desperately work so I make enough money to go to my cousin's wedding in April and so I can go see my sister in Colorado. I'm so tired. I can't work anymore this weekend - it's horrifying. I am exhausted and I'm freaking out. I'm overstimulated. I want to perform and write and let the creative force of life through me and I HATE WAITRESSING. I can't anymore - it's too much - it's too hard - I can't. Jesus - I am freaking out. My hair needs to be done and I feel gross. I want to swim and enjoy the fucking pool I pay for every month. I have to calm down my shoulders are up by my ears. This isn't being easy on myself. Oh please - okay. Maybe I should go back to school. Really? Dear Jesus Lord have mercy. Goodnight.

Well so I guess everyone isn't as terrible

as I thought they were. I am on much better terms with quite a few of the people at work who I have named various horrifying names. SUCH better terms. I feel like a douche for writing such awful things. Well except for at the time I meant them and I was very upset. That being said one of the guys at work last night was SO nice and gave me a table of his friends and they took really good care of me. And the girl who I was so upset at in the cab was really nice to me last night and said really nice things to me - from a not judgemental place. Well - so I suppose that's what the whole restraint of pen and tongue thing is about. Does this count? I have no idea. Had I said something to her that time I was upset it would have been awful. But if she read this she would be upset. I will have to work that out another time. Something interesting happened last night. Mind you this is boring interesting but still to me, interesting. I was so tired when I got home from work and I had bought myself flowers (red and they are SO pretty!!!) and I had some dishes to wash (the vases for the flowers were part of the dishes) and I really got tired and just wanted to crawl into bed. But I said to myself that I would feel so much better even if I had to force myself if I took care of the flowers, washed my dishes and got into my pj's, washed my face and teeth and THEN got into bed. And I did!!! I really took care of myself. And it was so weird because I had to FORCE myself - sort of talk HARD to myself to get myself to do it but it was so worth it. Really weird. But so much better as far as waking up. It's so much nicer to wake up to clean - me and my room. And pretty flowers!!! I even wrote in my journal and wrote my gratitude list. This is really new territory for me. Using all my energy in a different direction. It's like turning around a tornado. In fact that's exactly what it feels like. It feels like I am turning around a tornado inside of me. Outside of me for that matter also. Holy shit - so crazy!!! Bye Blueberry - have a nice day - I love you - don't ever change but change if you want to!!!!

Good Morning!!

I woke up early - at 9:0o!! I have no idea why. I drank some water and got the dog to put her in bed with me but then I think because I picked her up too quick she barfed. Right in the bed. Whoops!! So I cleaned the bed and washed the sheets and walked her. Now I'm here writing to you Blueberry while I drink some green tea and have a grapefruit. I love grapefruit. I also had some blueberry juice. The snake doctor said to only eat fruit by itself - never in combo with other foods. Bad bad things happen when you combine foods wrong!!!! Soooooooo. Well now I'm exhausted and I want to go back to sleep. I was just on the phone with this girl who is so lovely and beautiful although a tiny bit self centered and it's so strange - she has no idea how lucky she is. Maybe? Perhaps she knows and I don't even think that's what I mean. She gets in her own way and it reminds me of myself. Big time. I get in my own way. Well I'm not going to beat myself up about it I'm just going to be aware of it. I have also noticed that people can pull me off of myself and my center (I've known this for years) and my therapist said that it's great to be aware of it around people so I can take care of myself. So this girl was going on and on on the phone about things I've heard a bunch of times and I started to feel pulled and I wanted to go about my day (or go back to sleep - whatever) and in the past I would have felt so guilty. But I was on the phone with her for awhile and I needed to take care of myself so I got off the phone. Boy - that was the right thing to do. That being said I also have a lot of nerve saying she's self-centered - all I do is talk and think about myself. I said myself 35 times already in this Blog post alone!!! Nap time!!!

Hi.

Hi. How are you? I'm okay. I just showered and it was heaven. I did 2 shows tonight. It was really fun and I was funny and I wasn't tortured. A cute guy even said I was funny. He followed me up to the bathroom. I have to say I might be making that part up but that's what it seemed like. A hunk!!! He was cute sitting down and HUNKYYYY standing up. I know - 2 blog entries later and I'm already talking about the men I'm supposed to be "over." Well I am going to go ahead and say I will NEEEVVVEEERRR be over hunky guys saying I'm funny. Anywhooo - we had fun. My comedy buddy and I had fun. I told a joke I wrote 2 years ago and it worked. Go figure. Of course it's a joke I thought was too "out there" and so also of course it's the one I should be trying out. So this is good. I'm not sure where to go from here but I can say this. I just need a block of time to get all my material down and then really start to weed it out. Hmmm - yeeees. I'm so tired - that shower made me sleepy. Heaven I tell you - pure heaven. If I had a bathtub I would take a bath 4 times a day. At least once - and I would REALLY appreciate it!!! I went to the Snake Doctor today and I almost didn't go but I did and do you know why? Because my comedy buddy has a thing where if you make a commitment then you show up for it. I'm taking a page out of her book and doing that more often. Soooooo. Soo there you go. Life is much different and for that I am so very grateful. Thank you Universe. Thank you Blueberry Blog - talk to you tomorrow!!

Okaaaay - I'm so NEVER

talking about farting again. Some guy just friend requested me on Facebook and he has a picture front and center of his "Turd of The Week" and it's a real turd and it's REALLY fucking gross. Ew. Gross and ew again and what the fuck? Are you kidding me? I am NEVER - EWWWWWWWWW - fucking gross. Why would you do that? Is there something wrong with me that I don't think that's funny?? Or even ART?? Jesus.

I have "Winning An Oscar Complex Syndrome"

after the success of my last post. It was such a hit that now I have been afraid to write for days because I feel like nothing will ever live up to that last post. How often am I that honest and that concise? I would go so far as to say maybe twice this year. Maybe - oh well - I mean in the year that I've been writing on this blog - not this year of 2011 where there has only been 12 days so far. I just farted. Maybe it's eggs?? I had quiche today. It was really good!! Oh well - I also had a green smoothie?? I don't fucking know. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I want to cancel but in light of this newest explosion from my body I think it might be best if I keep the appointment. I swear - the man who reads this blog and loves me still - really loves ME. That being said I recognize that that's total fantasy since I have 3 readers. And they are all women. Um - so well - it feels good to write anyway. I did another show and it went well. I adjusted my material to the audience - and I had fun and so it went well. They laughed!!! And I had FUN!! Holy shit - how amazing is that?? Mind blowing. And I didn't fart ONE time while I was up!! I am supposed to do 2 more shows again tomorrow night. Big snowstorm might get in the way. I hope not - we are planning on going no matter what - unless the subways aren't working. It's 3:20 a.m. I just doooon't want to sleep. Not until I'm good and ready. Well - for now - this is how it's going to be. I'm sleeping enough when I do sleep. I really want to write tomorrow before I go to these shows. Sit down and do my morning pages and WRITE my jokes. Just write. I can give that to myself right? All I need to do is write everyday, quit bread and dairy, and bathe and everything will be fine. I left out the other 10 things I need to do everyday in order to be sane. I just want to be vague in order to appear mysterious. I'm so mysterious - oooooooo. Ohhhhh - mystery surrounds me. Mystery and sarcasm surround me. Ooooooooo.

I think I'm finally over men.

Haa!!! I wouldn't believe me either!! But seriously - I'm over it. I always feel uncomfortable around guys who I think are hot and I always - this is the REAL - oh I don't even know how to say it - the REAL defining factor - I always fart around them. How the fuck??? What the fuck?? Um are you fucking serious God? I think a guy is hot, then I get nervous and uncomfortable and I start farting. Give me a break - I'm done. I have bad breath, I'm always farting and I'm insecure. I am going to go ahead and say that I'm not meant to be in a relationship. There is no possible way. I am laughing and crying right now. I give up!!! Who fucking cares??? Ugh. I went to that meeting tonight and there were like 5 cute guys, I felt uncomfortable, had to leave when everyone stood up because I was farting (and it had to be SO obvious as I was walking funny - God help me), then left and wanted to beat myself up about but I just - I'm not interested. It's too much work. I just - oh well. Oh well maybe there is a guy out there who makes me feel comfortable, likes the way I smell and doesn't care that I fart all the time. I have a really hard time believing that exists. Oh well. It's so annoying also because I've been going tot his fucking doctor and it's not helping. I did lose 25 pounds. Well I guess that's something. I'm so - over it. I just want to feel healthy and good. I feel like - I'm not there yet. I feel like a 12 year old. So - I feel a sense of freedom actually. But I have to say this seems - unhealthy. What am I doing wrong and why aren't these drops helping? I watched Knight and Day with Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise. I liked it. That and the farting story are 2 reasons why this is a secret blog. I think I got booked on a real show. Now I have motivation to go out and do more comedy. And to write more. What's a Haiku? Holy shit I forgot I was writing this. I have to got to bed. I smell.

Day 490

Today I have already done lots of good things for myself. Turns out I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I'm a basket case. Add dehydration and poor eating and I really start to lose it. But I learned something this week which is that - what?? What did I learn?? I'm trying to not be negative - trying to be positive - while also being honest and real. This is so fucking hard. Life is so hard - oh dear - I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think?? Ha - okay - I am. Things are so much better even than they were this time last year. I made myself a healthy breakfast, had tea and lots of water. I prayed and meditated and I worked on cleaning up my past. My room is clean and I am writing on here. I am going to walk to work and then work. Oh my Lord this is so boring - hilarious. Okay good - see there I laughed - what a relief. I don't have much to say except that for sure if I can get my sleep and take really good care of myself things might shift. My brain might shift. I think I'm afraid of praying and meditating. OR that it upsets me that I feel better after I do it and then I get upset that I have to do it again after I get all frazzled again. Like the whole "why make the bed it's just going to get messy again" thing? I love making the bed. I love coming home to a made bed. Alright. Okaaaay. Bye bye Blueberry. Talk to you later.

Oh wow - well I feel better!!

Look how beautiful these are!! I love to buy myself flowers and put them in the window and in the bathroom. And I keep buying these because they are SO gorgeous when they open. They look like pieces of glass art - amazing. That being said - here we go......
I told my girlfriend that this blog is so ridiculous because I'm like - "I feel bad" or "I feel better" - over and over and over again. Well - I love this blog so oh well - it feels great to write and I love it. Maybe it will grow into something else - either way I don't care - someone else (one of my 3 readers) can judge it - I'm not going to. I'm just going to love this blog and water it with my misery and intermittent joy. Intermittent relief? Intermittent not so miserableness? I have to get some stuff out of the dryer - I will be right back. Well I cleaned tonight, met a friend for dinner, got some groceries, went to the bank, paid some bills, cleaned, and cleaned out my eye which is infected. Not infected - red. I put eyebright in it. Her Lady Wonder recommended it. It's 3:20 in the morning. Oh I also watched Pineapple Express. It made me laugh - that's good. I was cleaning while I watched it so I'm not entirely sure how it ended happily but somehow it did. Which is fantastic!!! My shoulders are so tense. I'm tense. Very tense. Uptight? My energy twists around itself. Haha - I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Doing a show again tomorrow night only this time I'm going to write first. Okay - enjoy the flowers Blueberry!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!

Oh my today is already upsetting me.

My landlord woke me up with the washing machine - because when you use the hot water the pipes shake. It sounds like someone drilling in my bathroom wall. I think he hates it when I sleep. I'm not sure why. I feel so victimized and awful. I feel like - well - there you go - it's happening again. He's running the hot water and it's drilling again. Well - ooooookaaaayyy. I just need to work tonight - get through it - make whatever money I can make and then I have 4 days off. I will try to wait to meditate until after this stops. I guess this is all the emotional stuff that comes up with the UNDA drops? By using the UNDA drops? I really - why doesn't he use cold water? I really don't understand. I feel like I have raging PMS and I feel so stressed out. I'm so upset - I feel like I'm failing. I wish I worked at a nice place with nice people who were kind and wonderful. I feel like no one loves me. I reaaally feel left out and I feel sick to my stomach that this is my life. I suppose - well - okay so this is how I feel - who cares. What an asshole this guy is - he's probably washing 2 shirts and a pair of pants. I'm 50 dollars short on the rent and I could care less. I don't even want to give him the rent I do have. I know that's why he ran the laundry before - to try to wake me up to give him his rent. He's such a fucking asshole. Ugh - now he's making other noise. I hate him, I hate everyone I work with, I'm lonely and I had a drinking dream last night. It really seemed like I was drinking. It's always white wine. I hardly ever drank white wine. Well - I hope you are okay Blueberry - sorry for being such a downer.

This is going to be hard to believe but I'm miserable.

I have waited for 4 hours for it to go away and I've stopped shaking but I'm still upset. Work tonight was AWFUL - I made 80 dollars and everyone was getting sooo crazy for New Years and I wasn't working the second show so I just wanted to leave - I was really tired, felt sick and dehydrated and I was DONE. Well the girl who always says "How much of a mess I was" and how I've "Done just SO much damage to my body" (because she's a fucking doctor and has tested me??) wanted to share a cab home. Well she's always last doing everything and I was like listen I really need to get out of here - are you ready - because if you are going to take awhile I need to just go. She says she's going to be just a minute. I go get my water and wait outside for her and watch drunken a-holes walking down the street for about 10 minutes. She finally comes outside and we walk a block to try and catch a cab - an avenue block. Well on the walk we talk about how unfair it is we didn't get to work and how unfair it is there - and so I get even more upset and I was already annoyed at waiting for her. We get to 3rd avenue and there's 7/11 there and I was like "I'm just going to get a hot dog - do you mind if I get a hot dog?" And she says "You need to calm down - what do you mean you need a hot dog?" Plus she was annoyed - she just wanted to go home. Well so now I'm even MORE annoyed that she tells me to calm down. Then there are NO cabs - NONE - of course - and a gypsy cab comes over and we get in. I tell him where we are going to go and he says - 25 dollars - okay - and starts driving. Then she's like - "OHHH (to ME - NOT to him) that's so much?? What??? ohhhh..." I say it's 15 just to my house - you just get out first. Then I say (and now I'm really fucking annoyed and would have rather paid 35 dollars to have gotten home already WITHOUT HAVING TO TALK OR DEAL WITH HER) "We can get out - do you want to get out?" She says no and then acts all upset. Then I try to converse with her - tell her a friend is getting married tonight - she says it's stupid to get married on New Years Eve (I know - right??? She's a douche right?). Then the cab stops really short and SCARES me so I squeaked and she says "CALM DOWN - you need to CALM down - you are making me uncomfortable." I said "I'm so sorry - my apologies." And then I stopped talking - told myself I am NEVER FUCKING EVER sharing a cab with this fucking bitch ever again and you know what else??? I'm not taking her stupid money - fuck her. Enjoy the free cab and get your OWN FUCKING CAB. She's black and always makes me get the cab because she says no one will pick her up. I said the other night that I felt like she was using me. Which I realized tonight - SHE IS. And I'm done. I would have rather walked home. Through the fucking park - with a sign on that said "Free New Years Eve Blow Jobs - just sneak up on me - that's how I like it."
When I was drinking I shared cabs with her and one night she was SO fucking mean to me and yelled at me in the cab and then a few times after that asked me to share a cab and then - get this - TURNED HER BACK TO ME - the whole way to her place. So she has real issues with me and you know what - she disrespects me and always says the most derogatory things to me and I was hoping that it was because of me but it's not. She's an asshole. If you think I'm such a piece of shit why do you want to travel together? And why the fuck are you telling me to CALM DOWN??? When has that ever worked in the history of someone being upset? And I wasn't doing anything to her - AT ALL. So then we pull up near her place and again the cab driver stops short - only this time Little Miss Cunt Face goes "Ohhh - oh!!" I tell her "Don't worry about it - it's on me - Merry Christmas - Happy New Year (and in my mind I was like get the fuck out PLEASE). She says - nooo - noo it's New Years - gives me 15 dollars (SLOWWWLY) and I give her back 5 and she says "Okay well - see you tomorrow" and then says "Get some rest" in the most passive aggressive nasty - so doesn't mean get some rest but GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER nasty fucking whatever way and I said "You too." Then she walks away all slow and shocked and JUDGEY and I WAS SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!! I should have never waited for her. I should have left. I was trying to be nice and polite and I could have cared less about the money. Look it takes 2 to tango right? I'm in this equation but I swear to God - I'm taking myself out of it. It's like she thinks I owe her something and I know that I do not. I'm sorry that I had a drinking problem and that it somehow made you MAD at me. WEll FUCK YOU. Do yourself a favor and NEVER EVER have children because you don't have an empathetic bone in your body. What an asshole. I was so mad I went and got Chinese food and angry ate it. It's better than drinking. The real issue is with the fact that I wouldn't just let myself leave. I should have left. And it hurts my feelings how she acts towards me and I also feel sorry for her because she says some really ridiculous things and I have no idea what she is talking about. She wanted to go therapy but got a life coach for a year instead. She paid for a YEAR'S worth of life coaching. I don't know but that's the kind of shit I used to do and it's NUTS. How can you be MEAN to me and MAD at me that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict? Why does that bother YOU? If she didn't like it WHY would she get in a cab with me? To save 12 dollars??? And if she still thinks I'm an asshole - which I realized without a doubt tonight that that's exactly what she thinks (and I could care LESS - thank you very much) - then why years later are you still asking me to share a cab?
I sent her a message once - on facebook - a private message and I said - listen I know we have had our differences but as a child of God - I love and respect you. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. I might not have said the respect part but I like how it sounded in my head just now. I just said as a child of God I love you. Oh well. I have a ways to go. A long long ways. I feel very frustrated. It's a new year. A whole new decade. I downloaded that sound "Fuck You" and listened to it and danced and that was AMAZING. My girlfriend introduced me to the song yesterday. SO great. So this year I'm going to dance more. I miss it and I love it. I was so upset that Little Miss Cunt Face wasn't my friend tonight. No warmth, caring or understanding. Why do I think that can come from everyone? Why do I expect that? That's unfair of me. Expectations. Maybe I took a shit on her when I was drunk one night and she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings about it OR how to approach me to talk about it. Perhaps. My new name for her is Little Miss Cunt Face Who I Might Have Taken A Shit On. That's a long name and not a very nice one. Well congratulations to her!!! She just won a new name. It's got quite a ring to it. I am going to keep working on myself and pray that this won't be how I always react to things. I feel - okay - I HOPE I will feel terrible about writing this. Thank you for being here Blueberry. I love you and I don't think you are a cunt face.