Compassionte towards myself.....

My therapist has said to me multiple times that the only thing I need to do with Crazy Buns - the chick from work - is to protect myself around her.  Well what ahs happened between working there too much - alone with her - it not being busy - the holidays - still not having adjusted to moving  - not doing any comedy to speak of (okay none) and certainly no acting because there isn't class right now - AND having PMS - I just lost it on this chick.  I lost my patience, lost my ability to be polite and just threw her bullshit back in her face.  Which she acted like wasn't happening and then basically told on me.  Ha!  What a cunt.  Wait - so her name is Cunty Buns because she wears her hair in these dumb buns.  I have to tell you the other day she had a feather sticking out of her head that was out at least 2 feet in front of her and I couldn't look her in the eye all day.  It was so over the top and she was dead fucking serious about it.  I just couldn't even look at her.  Okay so anyway I have become completely over-stimulated by her underwaterness and whatever fucked up internal wiring going on that honestly it doesn't matter what she does (or at least until I worked with my sponsor) - I was being a bitch.  ANYWAY - that's not my point!  My therapist finally said to me today that I just need to have COMPASSION for myself as I del with her - I can use the compassion as a way to insulate myself and therefore be protecting myself.  So this is the challenge of a lifetime now - Im not even kidding you.  This woman TRIGGERS me - on a grand scale level - and now I have to figure out how to work alone with her, protect myself and somehow be polite and what else?  I mean as I write that it doesn't sound like that big of a deal but what am I trying to say?  Im so senstitive that I can feel her vibrating neediness but this is the thing - she doesn't want or ask for help - she just wants to talk about herself and blow off steam - and I don't have to listen to it.  I don't have to interact with her.  Even if Im curious and bored and wanting to listen to the trainwreck story.  UGH - good LORD - Im not sure I can do it.  But you know what?  There is nothing else for me to do.  This is like my crazy friend only worse.  WORSE.  I am at some crazy fork - no not a fork - Im at a pit inside of myself.  I cant keep giving myself away or I will be a dried up piece of - skin.  No - turkey?  No - old lady with dry hair.  I will be a rageful, dried up  piece of old lady with brittle hair.  UGH.  Because these people trigger my childhood - I feel like I have to be subjected to their craziness and I keep waiting for them to change and keep trying to figure out WHAT is wrong with them and HOW to fix it.  THAT IS TOO MUCH TO EXPECT FROM ANYONE SELLING OVERPRICED DRESSES.  So somehow being compassionate towards myself will help me disconnect from Cunty Buns.  Um - okay?  I had a beautiful holiday by the way and Im still in love with the man.  Miss you Bluebie bye.

Better.

Man - I can't keep up with this lately - although maybe now things will iron out a bit.  I had my first house guest and it was so great!  IT helped shift the energy - she was so sweet to have here.  I got a car and now I finally have a day off to go explore a little bit.  I had a big show this weekend and then running around the city with her kept me busy last week.  We picked her up at the airport and then went and got me a car.  Good lord.  So then I had to work the last couple of days and I had class last night.  Im a little bit of a mess but I feel better.  I love being here, love the apartment, love him.  I - hmmmm - I don't know what I was going to write.....I have been taking some brain cleansing stuff for my lyme disease and I cant tell if its working.  Haha Im going to say - no.  Okay well anyway - I need to get out of here before it gets dark.  MAN - is my life different right now.  Thank God I keep going to meetings, getting up and praying and meditating and what else?  You know - the basics I guess.  Oooof - I need a shower.  I just jogged for the first time in a LONG time and I'm - red and sweaty.  Okay so love you Bluebie bye.  ps Its all still terrifying but much less so.

Adventure.

It's turned into an adventure - thank God. This move and living here and loving him. I'm having fun going in and out of the city and absolutely loooving living in the fresh air. We got into a big fight about the shower curtain but haha other than that it's been great and fun. He is being so good to me and I to him. I guess this is why things are scary that are new. And different. Getting throug that initial rough patch. Ah so scary. K love you bye.

Total mess.

Mostly because of my attitude I guess.  I went into the city last night - after moving the day before - to go to my meeting and do a show.  Of course it was raining and I got my period yesterday.  I had to - or I chose to sit ina diner for an hour and a half to wait for the show, I went and then it got cancelled.  Tourism has been down because of Paris I guess.  So then I walked to Grand Central - which felt great actually and then I had to wait 40 minutes for the train, then take the 50 minute train ride home.  I just sat there grumbling the whole ride home and every time the person in back of me opened their cellophane bag of whatever I imagined stabbing them in the face.  I bled ALL OVER the place because I used the wrong protection when I was at my meeting - all my stuff is all over the place and I was doing service and couldn't go to the bathroom.  OR I didn't let myself go to the bathroom.  But this is the thing - moving day was great.  The guy worked so hard with me, we took great care of the apartment, got everything out in just the right time and then we went and had a really nice dinner.  I passed the keys on no problem and now Im here in this cozy, clean, loving apartment.  I just feel gross and sad.  Plus I didn't get paid from my job for 3 days and that felt bad.  I don't really have any money - certainly no extra money and I didn't get paid last night because the show got cancelled.  Im fine - Im taking care of - I just feel like Im not and I feel like Im getting the shit end of the stick for some reason - or like I made the wrong choice.  Why didn't I make him come live with me in the city?  I didn't want him to and I was tired of living there - I wanted fresh air.  I could have read last night in the train.  I could have written!  UGH - I could have talked on the phone like other people do on the train - well no my battery was going and it is rude.  Im just a mess I guess.  See?  My attitude stinks.  Maybe I will feel better after I pray & meditate and do some organizing here in the apartment.  Im sure that will help a ton.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Lyme Disease. Haha

What a title.  Well - Im about to move and I got so sad at one point - so sad and into a big fight with the guy.  He said some mean things and then - and then - I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.  Because I could - because I haven't been manipulative or dishonest or using or any of the things that I used to be like.  And I stood up for myself from a place of love and it fucking hurt.  He was just - I don't know - thinking I was sad because I was going to be with him all the time now.  But Im sad because Im moving out of the city but mostly Im sad because all this stuff has been unearthed in me - all these emotions and memories - its crazy.  Well - so - it's okay now - and of course he got upset - he's been so patient and kind but at some point it would have to be scary and annoying for him right?  So - so we made it through that and we can keep talking about it and luckily it's Thanksgiving and we have some extra time together this week. I also - for some reason - started to research again about Lyme Disease - which I have and it turns out - Im not supposed to eat gluten, sugar and dairy - or in very low amounts.  Ive probably written about this before - I cant fucking remember.  Anyway - so - so what the fuck is that?  An opportunity I guess.  Time to get to another level of health.  I completely dropped the ball where all of that was concerned.  Haha - of course I did because gluten, dairy and sugar is fucking delicious.  I have to go to work.I miss you - I wish I could figure out how to have more time to write.  I hope you get all the cyber turkey your little bloggy heart desires.  Or whatever you want - pie?  Asparagus?  Love you Bluebie byeeeeeeeee!!

Now Im miserable.

I did extra work today - I didn't have to be there till 2:30 - took FOREVER to get myself ready AND then waited for 4 hours - they finally walked us (me and the 5 other losers they hadn't used yet) and after standing there an hour - sent us home.  I mean I never even made it to the actual set - just the holding on set.  HA.  Ugh not even ha.  What the fuck am I doing?  I cant even imagine being able to make in it show business at this point.  I mean - I didn't even get used as an EXTRA today.  What the fuck is that?  Okay - whatever.  Im just terrified about moving and I feel fat, old and tired.  So to celebrate all of those feelings I overate Chinese food tonight.  I could have really REALLY overate but I didn't - Im only in mediocre pain.  Wow - good for me.  Ugh anyway - Im just going to go to bed and start over again tomorrow I guess.  I really don't know.  I don't know anything.  At least I got to sleep in and hopefully I wont wake up tonight in the middle of the night again.  I have the last 2 nights.  Ugh - I just feel so sad and upset.  Is it just moving?  How do some people do things so easily?  Okay - well I can't ust feel my feelings now - I already ate them.  I will feel them tomorrow.  I just miss being in the flow creatively - Im just not.  Or Im not right now - that's all.  It's okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.

This is more interesting right?

I have no idea where life is going to go now.  Maybe not even very far but it's one million times more kind and interesting than when I was using or even when I was trying to live from the past and from rage.  Im late for work.  Haha so Im writing on here.  Ah sigh.  It's such an easy job and I still don't want to go!  Bye :)

So tired.

Well I'm moving - she signed the lease - it's her apartment as of December 1st!  Wow.  So.  So WOW.  I turned off everything and - well - WOW.  Im so tired.  I spent all day going through the "desk" piles I had.  It was mostly magazines and old bills - papers - I don't know.  This is the good part of moving right?  Being like - OH - I don't need those 5 different phone chargers after all and I can probably throw out these 35 outdated magazines, and these 75 old electric bills and cable bills.  I went and did 2 hours of service at the big meeting I went to and left feeling underappreciated and used.  Ha - good lord.  Like - where's my medal - I helped!  My medal is that I get to be sober I guess.  I know.  Im so tired.  I ran in the park and I walked all over the place.  So - so life is changing - isn't it so crazy?  My mind is blown.  We are having fun too - we already moved some of my stuff - a couple few times and we laughed and had fun and also got in one fight.  One night it was all jus too much, I was so tired, working, class, shows, moving - I was over it - or I had nothing to give I don't know.  And he was like - even after I kept saying it - he said "I feel like this is too much right now for you!?"  And I was like "IT IS!!"  Haha.  Ugh I don't even know if that's funny.  It wasn't funny and I suppose it's slightly amusing now.  Anyway all the other times we had fun, or we got through it or whatever.  Both.  Im so tired - I have to go to sleep.  Love you Bleubie byeeee.

Day 2263.

Hi.  So this is what I am going to try to do today and stay focused on.  Getting to a meeting, helping others, keeping my healthy boundaries in place, focusing on myself, listening, going to therapy, being nice to my guy, pay my bills (that I can pay), work on my comedy a little, work on my acting a little, and eat fairly healthy and be loving to myself and others.  You know I just started to write all the things I don't want to do and what for?  I just want to live, love and grow slowly today that's all.  Just keep it in today and move forward slowly.  Jeez.  Gotta go byeee.

Okay....I changed my mind.

So I got a good night's sleep and just prayed and meditated and now I feel better. I also changed my mind.  I don't want to cheat.  Or I don't want to act on that feeling of cheating.  Anyway - I do get to do comedy and I do get to write sometimes.  Right now Im just in a slower place that's all.  I am in it - maybe not at the level I want to be but I am in it.  So I changed my mind.  Im doing great.  Also Im not sure how to not feel all the shame and humiliation I have around how much I hate that fucking twat I work with now - but I guess I will figure it out.  I don't like her and I don't like her energy and my therapist said that it the best absolute most amazing reaction to have to her and Im going to try to remember that.  She said (my therapist) that it would be crazy if I liked her - if I liked the way she was or if I didn't have the reactions I was having.  Isnt that so sweet?  I mean of my therapist.  Fuck that diaper wearing narcissist douche tray.  Fuck her!  Im having exactly the right reaction and Im PROUD of myself for it!!!  What?  Jesus Christ - 13 years of therapy and I can finally pay my ConEd bill on time and I can be remotely nice to myself for not liking someone who is aggressively unbearable.  Ha!  Or not ha I don't know.  Hauum.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Always trying to cheat.

I'm a cheater.  I hate starting new jobs because I can't cheat yet.  I cheat at games, I used to cheat on boyfriends and I have every desire to cheat right now at life.  I'm tired - I'm fucking tired.  I want to fucking cheat and get someplace.  I have no fucking momentum in comedy and honestly - ugh I don't even know if I care.  Am I even supposed to be doing this?  And if I am - can't I get some help?  I just feel like I am going nowhere.  What am I doing taking this class?  Seriously - what am I doing?  I should be out every night doing comedy and I'm not.  I never write and I spend 2 nights a week in this class.  WHICH I LOVE.  UGH.  I'm so fucking frustrated and confused.  I just ate a ton of McDonald's - haha - that will help me in every way I'm sure.  Well I have the day off tomorrow - so let's see what that will bring.  That job and working with that lunatic - good lord Im OVER it.  Did I tell you how she always tells me how she wears adult diapers?  When she gets her period - she wears a tampon and adult diapers.  Aren't you glad you know that?  I am!  For the life of me - I don't understand how she acts like she's on speed but she's not.  I mean it is crazy.  Her energy is so aggressive and spinning but it's natural.  Or maybe it's not.  It's not drug induced at least - although it flips me out just as much.  Standing near her feels like standing near someone using.  At least for the most part she is keeping her hands to herself.  She did graze my nails today and say "Oooooo - navy."  IT'S SO CREEPY.  I would die - I would fucking die if someone stood there and nicely told me "Please stop grabbing me and touching me - Im sensitive and it makes me very uncomfortable - it's just too much for me."  I WOULD NEVER GO NEAR THEM AGAIN - would YOU?  No.  What is the allure I don't even get it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Triggered.

I just looked at my credit score and flipped the fuck out.  I - well - you know this is when I used to always act - FREAK OUT then make a lot of dramatic crazy choices and make things so much worse.  I'm going to just calm down right now and just go to therapy and continue on with my plan with the guy.  That's all - and then things are going to get better.  That's called recovery.  Do you know what's even crazier than getting triggered and then thinking up crazy ways to solve problems?  I have had this INSANE urge to shop.  I mean I had to just get myself home this afternoon on my day off and not go to fucking BANANA REPUBLIC and buy shit I don't need.  They sent me an email that said "50% off 5 regularly priced items."  And I was like WELL I BETTER GO DO THAT NOW!!!  Are you kidding me?  I have no money, I'm going to be moving AND - AND - I get FREE clothes from this new job - I can only wear their clothes to work - they give us the clothes and I don't need anything.  Good lord in heaven - what the serious fuck?  What a strange way to react.  OH!  I'm in a panic about money??  I better GO SHOPPING THEN!  Ugh - anyway - it feels good to write on here.  That job is slightly less crazy since Grabby McGrabberson finally got the message and stopped (for the most part) touching me and I don't work with her as much anyway.  Also it's been busier so there's less standing around and talking about - you know - her.  Goot go to therapy - ahahah - not funny.  My credit score isn't that bad - it's just not as good as it used to be and WHY AM I TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU??  What are you my mother - YOU'RE A BLOG.  I love you like a mother though - a sister?  A friend?  My BABY??  No.  I love you like a blog.  Byeeeee.

Ugh then there was this dream...

Last night I dreamed that I was marrying my ex-husband again - and I didn't really want to.  I thought it was a bad idea but I was doing it anyway.  My mother said I didn't have to do this if I didn't want to.  Then - then he wasn't even there but eh showed up - and he was all dirty and kind of smelly.  Then he was like - oh I moved out of our place and rented this place instead - and then take me into this really awesome furnished apartment.  OS then I'm walking around in this lacy, skimpy wedding dress and my hair is super long and lusciously curly and I'm flipping it all over  to the side - all 80's like - and I just seriously was like "I know this is a bad idea but I like that fucking apartment and I'm wearing this dress and getting married."  Um - what?  What the serious fuck?  Then tonight - tonight I have my acting class (asn yes I am aware how horribly boring that dream was) and at the end of it my acting teacher - the hot one says to me "Do you know how wonderful you are?"  To which I said "No - why?"  WHO SAYS THAT??  Did I even say why - I don't fucking know.  I just - I wanted to die.  I have my period and it's like 70 degrees outside and - AND - there was no air in the class for some reason and I was wearing - I'm not kidding you - a sweater dress - a THICK sweater dress, a turtle neck, AND thick sweater tights.  Dear God in Heaven I almost exploded after it was my turn to work.  So.  So there we are.  He's still gorgeous and killing me as much as ever.  But I'm in love with someone else now - AND - AND - he was talking about ACTING.  Ugh.  Good lord - give me 20 minutes and I will ruin my life.  No - but I won't.  I love my guy and it's just not reality or something whatever feelings I have about the acting teacher.  I'm just amorous.  What?  I'm an alcoholic and - you know what?  I have to go to bed?  I'm fucking exhausted.  Work, class, the guy, meetings, other stuff - I'm done.  Goodnight Bluebie - love you bye.

I had a dream last night that I was writing on here - I wrote this long boring thing about my day - very journaly - and then in the dream I thought how boring I was and wondered why I was doing it.  Ha then I woke up and it occurred to me http I was just having a memory in my dream world! Anyway. So I'm moving and everything is so turned upside down but I'm excited. I put the apartment on the market and wow - so crazy. I hope it rents fast - we'll see! I decided that the job is an opportunity to take care of myself, have and keep my boundaries and to learn to work with other people again.  So that feels a lot better.  I don't know this is so weird - that this guy loves me - we love each other and want to have life together is very terrifying and I keep waiting for him to tie me up and kill me and while he's doing it be like "awwww waaaah I'm so sad I believe you loved me" OR that I will just completely self-destruct and run away OR that this is crazy and I should stay alone and single forever in my,little dirty apartment - safe from all feelings and growth.  Well that is an option still I guess.  My other challenge is to just let myself do a little at a time.  Okay love you bye.

Hmmm - okay.

So I spent all day organizing my bills, paying my bills and talking to program people about Grabby McGrabberson at my new job.  Basically I need to tell her to please not grab me.  That's all, plain and simple.  Say it with kindness - keep it about myself and how I find it difficult to be grabbed, slapped, hugged, shoved - scratched, talked to in my face etc.  I wont even say the part how I believe for 90% of the population this is probably also true - I will just say for me - it's too jarring.  So can I do this without making myself into a pussy to make her feel bad?  Im not sure if I will be able to not be self-deprecating.  Well you know what?  I can certainly try.  I went to class and it was great, got myself some groceries and came home.  Class was wonderful.  I have no idea what Im doing except this - it's all different now - that's it!  I have been trying so hard to work from my past somehow and it's done.  It's not working - the art isn't coming through me and it's just time to go in a completely different direction.  So that feels good.  Back to the drawing board.  I applied to a festival and I didn't get in and honestly (well Im not totally sure but no one is answering me and it starts in like 2 weeks) Im so happy.  I have no idea who I am onstage or what Im doing and I need to work on that now.  AND - and Im going to be moving December 1st.  Or at least that's the plan anyway.  YIKES.  Sigh - an end of an era.  Ive lived here for 17 years.  It's going to be great.  Scary but great.  I think a new job and moving is enough for me to focus on in November - so it's great about the festival but HELLO - did they even watch my tape because it was awesome.  Gotta sleep - love you Bluebie bye.

Frazzled and Crazy.

Maybe that should be the title of my book.  Ugh sigh.  Im having a hard time at this new job - it's hard to work with people and it's hard to work with self-centered people.  Im just getting triggered all the time - my flight or flight is kicking in 50 times a day.  Crazy Pants just cant keep her hands to herself.  So now I have talked about it with people and of course my one friend suggested - strongly - that I say something.  I mean I just cant take it - she grabs, slaps, pushes, aggressively high fives - HUGS - these crazy scary hugs - tells stories where she's coming at me - good fucking lord.  It's very VERY horrifying.  I also have to say - she does it to everyone.  And she never shuts the fuck up.  She doesn't stop talking.  This isn't going to work out at this job - that's it - and what I have to do now - is practice and stick up for myself.  I keep thinking about - what if I were a child?  What if I were my own mother?  I would not let that crazy bitch near me and/or I would strongly/kindly/FIRMLY tell her that she needs to respect the personal boundaries - I don't care if she NEEDS a hug.  She says all the time "I give GREAT hugs because I REALLY need a hug."  UM - listen you crazy fucking twat - if you weren't so fucking aggressive and TAKEY - maybe you would be getting more fucking hugs.  WOW.  And Im being so hard on myself.  But why?  It's got nothing to do with me - shes like this - I don't even know her.  I don't want to hurt her feelings and that is so crazy.  She is violating my boundaries over and over again.  Im going to have to write it out.  If it were corporate it would be easier.  Maybe.  I don't know.  Im sad and upset and taking myself very VERY seriously.  Im also just burnt out.  Im going to write it out and figure out a nice, strong way to say stop grabbing me.  Let her deal with the feelings of it.  What?  HELP.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello.

Turns out the girl who hired me also knows the girl who can never shut the fuck up is indeed crazy.  SO.  So I feel one million times better.  At least I'm not completely out of my mind.  I told my guy how - let's just call her Crazy Pants - how Crazy Pants always introduces me to everyone as "Our new part-times sales associate."  HA.  How funny is that?  When I first met her she was like "Hello I'm Crazy Pants the Assistant Manager here."  I remember thinking - wow - that's a super odd way to introduce yourself to someone.  HA again.  I mean holy fucking bizarre ego.  Anyway - it doesn't matter except I guess my own ego isn't liking it too much and you know what - it doesn't matter in the long run - it really doesn't.  Or it does.  What?  I don't know.  Once again - exhausted.  Soooo tired.  Im going to that festival this week - I cant even believe I'm doing this.  It's going to be great - 4 days of comedy.  I hope it's great.  Good lord - I need to go to bed.  Love you Bluebie bye.

3 eggs 2 pieces of exotic black rice bread.

That's what I just ate for dinner at 10:52 pm.  UGH.  Im not ughing eating that - it was delicious - I'm ughing the fact that Im exhausted and my schedule is crazy and Im eating dinner at 10:52 pm.  I worked today and thank GOD I didn't have to work with that woman who never shuts the fuck up.  It's exhausting listening to someone complain for 8 hours - WHY AM I WRITING THIS??  Ugh.  Im SO grateful for my life, for my guy - for life moving forward even though it feels so out of control and so unmanageable right now.  I just need to get a good night's sleep - that's all.  Start over again tomorrow.  I have therapy and I also got to go to a meeting right after work tonight so that was good.  Im figuring it out.  Im beginning to figure it out.  Okay love you Bluebie bye. 

Good lord.

Well we went to Nantucket for the weekend - in the middle of a hurricane - and it was crazy.  We couldn't get off the Island and had to stay and extra night and take one of those teeny tiny little planes at 6 in the morning yesterday.  It was totally fun and the wedding was unbelievably beautiful but today and yesterday for that matter I am a mess.  I miss my old job or at least all the time I had at it to do things.  I miss that SO much.  Im beginning to really believe this new one is not going to work out - it's too crazy and I have no time to get anything done and it's less money.  But also - Im a mess and I barely have time to go to meetings.  I stayed here all day.  I hurt my leg yesterday on the treadmill and I just could not go get on the subway and tromp around this city.  I could NOT do it.  So here I stayed - that's it.  Im exhausted and dry - I need  a meeting.  I just listened to an alanon meeting.  Who am I?  I have pms - I mean I really do so why am I even writing all this?  I just need to be nice to myself, let my leg heal tonight and do the best I can do tomorrow.  Im not looking forward to spending the day there and you know what?  If it's too much I can leave - that's it!  It's so simple and easy.  Im really going to just trust that everything will be okay even though I cant figure anything out right now.  I have food, clean clothes and I have enough time to get a good night's sleep.  Im scared and everything is turned upside down but it's okay.  I love my guy - we had so much fun over the weekend even if it was crazy.  He dances with me even though he dances somewhat like Elaine from Seinfeld.  I mean it's the cutest thing you have ever seen I swear.  How sweet is it that he's self-conscious of his dancing but he does it anyway because I love to dance so much and he wants to have fun with me?  And he's taking a chance and risking putting himself out there to get better?  Are you kidding me?  It's so sweet I can't even take it.  It just makes me love him so much.  Im still fucking terrified of this whole thing but - he's just so sweet and loving.  And fun!  Come on.  Okay well at least I got to be here tonight and write on here - that's awesome right?  Oh dear GOD - help me make it through this day of work.  Let it be okay.  If it's not then at least let me not react to it. Haha - okay - I will do a lot of going to the bathroom and breathing.  Amen.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I'm being a victim.

That's all - I'm being a victim of the life I am wanting to live.  I'm so lucky I'm sober - I have a beautiful man in my life and I know wonderful people.  I also believe that I'm sad that this show and my idea around how to get people to it - was manipulative and - I don't know - similar to how I used to live in the past but also - I need to ask some questions.  I know Im not being clear.  I need to live and create differently now that's all.  It's okay.  I prayed & meditated and my thoughts shifted.  It's okay - it's all just a challenge and I just need to take this opportunity to ask questions, have my power and be clear.  It's all good.  And even better I don't have to work with that crazy chick today haha so awesome.  Okay so let's make the best of this day and grab life loosely (but don't let goooooo) the horns and breathe.  Bye! 

Weirdest dream.

I dreamed I was a wife and a husband - it kept switching - then the husband shot the wife but then the wife shot the husband.  Hid the gun - then it as like some horror movie where the wife/husband came to life only in the middle of the night.  Then I kept hiding the gun but trying to find it and escape from the house.  The house was scary and had snakes I think?  Or some evil part to it.  Next thing I know there's a little tiny Indian boy inside a giant wok on the stove and he's cleaning it with a big white puffy sponge.  He's rolling it around and talking about how this is the only way to get pots clean - is to get little!  Then the brother was in a different pot and cleaning that one but not enjoying it that much.  Then they say they have to take the stuff to make them bigger so they can clean the rest of the house.  OKAY.  Then Im trying to escape the house by going upstairs (what) then one of the boys (or someone) says um - there's a problem - there's a thing.  I look up and there's this giant tree/snake/dinosaur thing growing through the middle of the house (that's now a mansion) huge and it's sort of breathing.  Then my alarm went off and now I think I have a brain tumor.  UGH.  I have to go to work.  One thing that is better about this job is that I have to be there an hour later.  That's the only thing better.  Oh man my attitude stinks.  Why am I so sad all of a sudden?  I don't even know.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Dont know if this is going to work.

I mean what am I doing?  Im middle fucking aged for fuck's sake.  Im running all over town doing shows that no one sees me at.  Or no - that's not even it.  I don't even have time to write.  I mean I go and do these shows and then I have no real material - or that's how it feels.  Maybe Im just not funny and I really cant do this job.  That never actually occurred ot me before to actually question whether or not I can do this job.  I mean I really don't know.  Im fucking exhausted and I have no money.  I mean Im so broke.  Oh good lord I don't know.  This is just totally crazy.  What would I do if I could do anything in the world?  I would dance, sing and act.  I would do comedy too but I would do it differently.  I mean god LORD.  I have to go to bed - Im so tired.  Im grateful but Im tired.  What?  Im not grateful Im angry.  BLECH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Overwhelmed.

Well the new job and that crazy chick I work with are a lot.  I dropped my cell phone in the toilet at therapy on Saturday.  My therapist said she's a contagion - that she catages me with her negative energy.  I don't want to be a victim of this woman so I am practicing walking away - looking her in the eye and saying "Okay."  That doesn't make any sense.  She's just all over the place an dI haven't figured out how to create internal boundaries around her.  She can be likeable sometimes but she's also a toucher and a grabber.  Honestly it's INSANE.  She slapped me on the arm the other day and it HURT.  Haha - what the fuck?  Where are my God Damned BALLS for fuck sake.  Just hello please stop doing that already.  I will get there - good fucking LORD I will get there.  Im so stressed out.  I don't have enough money and my credit card is running out.  Someone called me last week and tried to get me to give him $6500.  HA.  He called and left a message saying "This is serious there is a complaint against you - you need to call me."  So I did and then he scared THE SHIT out of me until I realized he was making no sense.  I even called the credit card company he was talking about and THEY said to ignore him - he's scamming you.  But omg - I really fell for it.  I was so scared.  I did such shadey shit when I was drinking that I actually thought maybe I did something and forgot about it.  Um - $6500????  Who the fuck forgets about that much money?  I seem crazy right?  It's my day off - I worked yesterday and I hosted a show last night - it was a good day but long.  So now I have  prayed/meditated, jogwalked in the park and cooked myself lunch.  Now Im going to dye my hair and go to my acting class.  Oh a meeting.  Im going to try to make it to a meeting although it's looking less and less likely that Im going to get to that.  Just calm down right?  Just breathe - one thing at a time.  Oaky love you Bleubie bye.

Totally overwhelmed.

Im supposed to be in the shower.  I am just so completely overwhelmed.  I have a big show next week that we are producing and it is zero percent ready.  Holy shit then going to a wedding the next day - don't have a dress.  I cant get to my regular meetings on time because the new job gets out an hour later and - UGH - WHY AM I WRITNG THIS??  I need ot be in the shower and I'm fucking tired.  I just can't juggle it al right now or whatever.  Also I keep thinking I shouldn't have left that job yet.  It's so crazy - there was never a good time to leave there and this was as good a time as any.  The best time.  It's done anyway.  Im so terrified about money - this job is even less money and I wasn't even making enough at the old job.  Am I ever going to be able to make any money?  I mean what is my fucking problem?  Im exhausted and it's 9:45 am.  UGH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2211.

Hi.  I just came back from my acting class and made myself a veggie burger.  No bun.  Who am I?  I have only the one job now which is super disorienting and now I am changing my diet which is 100% disorienting.  Lord I am trying to lose weight and I've adjusted my food - I lost about 5 pounds.  That's it.  SO FRUSTRATING.  But reading that book Eat Pretty I realized (and since I'm really trying to make a lifestyle change barf) I was eating cheeseburgers, muffins and potato chips on a regular basis.  I mean - those were my food sources.  I would say I was 20% healthy eating and 80% not.  Maybe 50/50.  Okay I will give myself 50/50.  What the fuck is that?  Haha delicious that's what.  I haven't had a bacon cheddar burger in at least a month if not longer.  Seriously that really is a fucking miracle.  Anyway whatever - I can't afford to eat in the new neighborhood I work in now.  I got a small ice coffee and a brownie one day and it was 8 fucking dollars.  Ha!  Okay so Soho is even MORE expensive than the upper east side whoa.  Whatever.  Anyway Im still not ironed out enough in my schedule that I have started to work on my writing more.  What am I talking about?  I mean why am I writing this right now?  I guess because I WANT to.  Okay so it's okay - everything is okay.  I made it through all the extra days of working and I will figure out this next new phase of living also.  It will be weird to not live in this apartment anymore.  I mean Im not moving right now Im just saying.  Fuck Im so tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Poem.

Love my guy
Job is ending
New job - decision pending
Have my class
Have my love
Prayed & meditated
Sought from above
Inside outside
Old ladies new
Lord help
help me stay true.

Exhausted.

I had class tonight - worked at the new job the last 2 days and saw the guy.  I got feedback from "The big show" that said to be more real and honest.  HA.  See?  You kick ass and then someone says to be more real.  Lord.  I can not believe it's my last week of this job.  I'm totally ready.  Really?  Well Im ready to be ready how about that?  ALso Im ready to have more time ot do comedy and other shit I love - like CLASS.  Ugh.  I was so tired tonight I just watched in class - then I left - forgot my cell phone - came back looked EVERYWHERE for it - someone called it - twice and I was crawling under a couch looking for it - if someone kicked it under there and another student came up and said "Are you still acitng?  CLass is over."  HAha.  What?  I changed my clothes at the new job (they gave me some clothes - we have to wear the clothes there and they gave me some pieces) and I left my whole entire own outfit plus sweatshirt - there.  Just there - the whole outfit - forgot it.  Lord have mercy.  I am TIRED I tell you.  Anyway.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

So the big show was great and now Im ready to do - a million more.  Im home and getting ready to go to bed - I have to get up at 5:30 to do some extra work - Im sorry background.  So strange that this is happening when the store is closing.  No one would ever work for me before and now they are all scrambling for the money and covering!  So its fabulous.  Im fucking exhausted.  I worked so hard at my comedy all day today - haha at the store.  It was so slow!  It's been 90 degrees!  I mean who wants to shop for a Fall outfit in that weather?  I think Im sad.  Im sad the store is closing and that Im leaving.  Who am I going to blame all my problems on?  Im going to just have to stand on my own two feet.  Who wants to do that?  Ha.  So weird.  Sometimes life changes big and it's weird.  This is one of those times.  I still cant believe how gracefully this is finally ending.  Im just able to go.  I have to tell you - I want a bonus and a send off package so bad.  I staffed that store for the rest of this month and October.  With my friends!  I really want a bonus!  Okay so that's not going to happen.  Oh see - there we go - that's how I can be miserable about this haha.  Jesus - Im such an alcoholic - I cant even just be grateful that Im moving on in a healthy way.  But I am - I am grateful.  I also have pms and honestly theres only so much I can do.  As far as a good attitude is concerned.  I have to go to sleep!  Loooove you Bluebie byeee.

Well......

so - wow - I REALLY wanted to sit down and write and now I have no idea what I was so passionate about.  I had a great weekend with the guy and I worked at the new job one day also.  I have a show tomorrow night Im terrified about and I should really be working on the that and instead I went to the store and took out the garbage.  It's fucking so hot - Im ready for some Fall action.  This is my second to last week at the store - I can't even believe it.  So crazy.  Im so in love with this guy and it's starting to drive me nuts not living together - although he just brought me home and Im totally fine here.  Ah - of course - it's my apartment.  What?  Oh my God - Im so tired - I need to go to bed - it's going to be a long day tomorrow!  I need a good night's sleep.  I hosted a show Friday night that was SO fun - omg - so fun.  I just love it so much.  I cant even believe Ive been performing again - isn't that so amazing?  I wish I could stop regretting the past now. Haha - yeah that would be great - if I could amaze myself and be in awe of no longer regretting my past.  AH - it's such a waste of time!  Love you Bluebie bye!

Good morning!

It's the day after my anniversary.  6 years.  Haha almost everyone forgot.  Not everyone but really most people but also - really - who cares?  I get to be sober and functioning in life.  And why should people remember to celebrate the day where I finally gave up a horrible life?  What?  Obviously it hurts my feelings oh well.  Not one of my sponsees remembered and I had to call my parents and remind them.  My father was like "Oh that's nice - I thought it was tomorrow - your sister put it on the calendar on the wrong day."  Haha sort of.  Anyway - I got a good night sleep last night and took care of myself before bed.  Now Im awake, prayed & meditated and I have hair dye in my hair.  I have a show tonight, work today and therapy begins again yaaaaaay.  That's not a sarcastic yay either.  I had such an epiphany this morning while I was meditating.  I have been troubled with such negative thoughts about people from now and the past - people I feel like I have "helped" and whatever - have given time to and I haven't gotten anything back.  The epiphany consists of 2 parts - Im mad because I was "giving" with expectations - which stinks. Then also - I say yes to times that don't work for me and put other people's needs above my own because otherwise I think it wont work out.  And whie I was thinking about how mad I am it occurred to me that my time is valuable and I matter and I'm not taking care of myself in these relationships or I wouldn't be so fucking mad.  DUH.  Wow.  It's always like dating - if I have to try that hard to make it work - if I have to hurt myself to make it work - Im going to be angry - SO ANGRY and it doenst matter anyway - he's not that into me ANYWAY.  Im more valuable than that.  So much more.  I deserve better.  The thing is also that Im not even sure if these people are asking me to twist myself into a pretzel but ugh Im getting confused.  I just need to take care of myself in relationships or Im going in the wrong direction - that's it.  THATS IT!  Fuck I can feel my brain trying to re-wire as I type this and it's like "nooooooo you must control and manipulate and and and ahhhhhhhhh!!!!"  Gross.  It's only 8:50 and Im exhausted haha. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Omg I am so fucking tired.

Shows, costume fittings, working both jobs (till this one ends), spending time with the guy and trying to fix everything here for me leaving.  What the fuck I am so tired.  so tired and SO GRATEFUL.  I fucked up today time-wise but well - it's okay!  Everyone makes mistakes and I certainly learned from it - BIG time.  Am I making any sense?  Im not going to be able to write on my blog at the other job!  I wont even be able to be on the computer!!  Holy shit it's like a real job.  Well I am going to enjoy being able to sit down and be online while I am here haha.  Ah it's so wonderful - life is shifting - I feel so very grateful and so grateful that it's happening in a kind way.  Im just trying so hard to be nice to myself.  Im really trying to kindly shift myself away from the negative thinking once it starts.  I mean I can't help it starting (supposedly)  BUT I can help it from continuing and I can be nice to myself about the whole thing.  So how's that for some mother-fucking recovery??  Im crying a little bit but I think it's fake crying because my nose is tickling itself - that's when I always know Im crying fake tears.  Oh good LORD - okay well I somehow managed to get to work on time today, go to a costume fitting and get back here - so now I just need to sell some stuff and organize my whole life.  Haha.  Right.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!!  Bye.

Exhausted.....

but thrilled.  Well maybe thrilled is the wrong word - fascinated?  I am fascinated at things moving in a different direction.  I did that show Wednesday and managed to get myself to that extra work yesterday on time and get a decent night's sleep and get myself back here to the store today.  I mean I guess - what?  I forgot what I was going to write.  Im not sure if extra work is really for me- holy shit it's crazy.  Anyway.  What again?  Im a little foggy and having trouble with negative thinking.  I have 3 more weeks of working here.  Holy shit.  I have worked here for 4 years.  Long enough to have gone to college again!  Im ready to go.  I guess.  I feel like I finally just - you know what?  No.  Im not going to write how I finally just figured out how to get here, find cheap food blah blah blah.  It's time to move on!!!  3 years ago!!!  Haha - at least 2!!  WOW.  Um - I love you?  Hahaha Im crazy right now.  I made my coffee SO strong this morning - lord Im going to crash.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Oh boy.

I got a new job.  I went for the interview, trained the next day and they hired me.  I gave her my notice here at the store - and she never wrote me back.  I even ASKED her if she got the email.  It's so ironic because I started to doubt my decision.  I went to an audition yesterday and when I came back I walked a different way than I normally do and I was like "Oh I love this area - oh it's so pretty right here oh I'm going to miss this."  UM WHAT?  Anyway so her ignoring me completely is helping.  I just need to get out of here.  I gave her a month but if she doesnt want that - that's fine.  WOW.  Im also getting busier with comedy which is amazing and terrifying.  Okay I really cant write anymore - the store has been so crazy busy.  OF COURSE.  So I love you sweet blog - let's see what happens!

Burping. Stress. And Love.

Trying to stay positive and working hard but not killing myself.  It's so fucking confusing to be honest.  I just want to either do comedy 100% of the time or not at all.  I mean it is fucking excruciating doing it in a methodical manner.  It's practically fucking killing me.  Which is where the burping comes in I guess.  I mean I can't stop burping.  I'm just stressed out.  I went on a job interview - I can type 36 words a minute.  Man am I skilled or what?  On another note I am having these wonderful weekends with the guy - we go to the beach - go visit people - go to meetings - it's amazing.  Ugh and then I'm so stressed out?  It's crazy.  Well it's also hot as fuck - so humid too.  I hosted a show last night - got home at 1:30 - because someone gave me a ride home - thank GOD.  I have been doing sit-ups, some yoga - walking everywhere - changing my eating habits and DEAR GAO - I feel like I have gained weight.  What the fuck?  See - I can't think positive.  Im exhausted.  Busy.  Busy is good.  Anyway - haha - at least I didnt eat a muffin yet.  And Im just not able to see how things are going to work out.  How can I afford my class?  How can I pay my rent?  How can I get enough stage time?  How can I - I dont know what - live?  Save for the future?  Stop panicking every time I save more than $20. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever?  I get a very real sense of doom whenever I save even the tiniest amount of money.  At some point I really need to understand what that is about.  I'm tired.  I feel so grateful - I was crying last night as I was walking away from the meeting I was at towards where the show was.  All the things I got to calmly see as I walked - it just seemed so beautiful.  The buildings, an old lady trying to text.....Okay and then as I am writing this some lady from this neighborhood where the store is - walked in with her horrible hair and asked me in sucha  cunty passive aggressive voice if we were going out of business.  She is a frumpy, dumpy cunt.  UGH.  SEE HOW GRATEFUL I AM.  Unreal - Im terrified of this job ending but I don't like it.  Oh she is trying on a scarf that looks like a table cloth.  OH MAN I HOPE SHE BUYS IT.  Im trying - I swear to God - Im trying.  Bye.

Eat Pretty.

Im reading a book my sister told me to read called Eat Pretty.  It's absolutely fantastic - for me.  Im also reading Sick In The Head and it's also fabulous.  Just a couple more weeks till my anniversary - today I feel better and I am - what?  Going to get to it today.  Live and get to it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

2 small miracles (for me)

akid was sitting next to me on the subway and he wasn't even man spreading - he just kept brushing his uberly soft skin arm up against mine and it was growiing me out.  I felt annoyed and like he should have been the one to adjust himself since I was in the seat first.  Whatever - I wanted to get up - or hit him with my bag (one of my favorite subway moves) and/or huff and puff - blah blah blah.  All things that would ultimately hurt me.  I moved my own arm so I wouldnt have to be picking up on his weird images in my mind (part of the reason I dont like touching strangers to begin with) and just didnt do anything.  I just felt annoyed and moved myself.  Miracle number 1.  HEre's the next one.  An older woman came in here - to the store - she's been in here before - shes a racist and shes horrible - she told another customer once to "Go back to the country you came from."  I think I wrote about her before.  Anyway she came in - went in the dressing room with a dress - pulls the curtain aside and heads towards my water - brand new big bottle of Poland Spring s- the BIG bottle - and says "Can I wash my hands?"  I said - "no - we don't have a sink" she says "Cant I use your water?"  I said "No!  That's my drinking water!"  She says - all demanding - "Can't I just have some?"  I say okay - fine - I gave her a paper towel - I open the water and I go to pour some on her hands - and she's - ha - trying to catch it and then she just GRABS the bottle AND STICKS HER BIG OLD LADY THUMB in my brand new bottle of water.  She gives the fucking bottle a good old rim job and then says thanks.  Ha and OMG are you fucking kidding me?  Then she asks all sarcastically if I want her to buy me another water.  "Do you want me to go get you another water?"  Anyway - this is the point.  By the time she left - and had driven 2 other customers away - I had decided the owner of the store is buying me a new bottle of water right?  I BLAMING the owner for this.  I go to grab money out of the cash box and then - then it just felt so uncomfortable.  I was like - no - no Im just going to go for a walk instead and take money out of the bank, throw this water out and get a new water.  Listen - I know I will have old lady thumbs one day very soon and I know I could have probably just drank the water.  She also could have just gone and BOUGHT me a water - she didnt need to ask me 75 times.  She's a horrible person.  However - I ultimately said yes - to giving her some water to begin with - I didnt need to.  It wasn't the owner's fault!  I wasn't going TO STEAL money to buy another bottle of water.  I mean I really had to stop myself.  Listen I hate being responsible for my own feelings it sucks.  But Im not going to be thief because some racist old cunt was pushier than I was prepared to deal with.  Whatever - I guess it's 2 very small wins.  Miracles?  I still have pms - love you Bluebie bye.

Just a thought.

I was walking to a show last night - I had blisters on my feet from walking around all day - I was tired and feeling the show might not be worth it.  Then I thought - "be positive - this is fun- it's China Town - it's an adventure - this is great - it's nyc - Im so happy to be here - this is great" and then my feet stopped hurting and my whole body felt different.  that's all - just a thought.  So powerful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blech.

Soooooo - I did a show last night that was - I dont know - fun but I lost focus.  Someone's phone rang and then a bunch of drunk guys came in.  The good part was there WAS a show and I didn't completely bomb and a new joke Im working on is doing well.  This is the bad part.  I only seem to do really well if I practice 500 times before I go up.  Honest to GAWD - I dont know if I can do that - I really don't.  Okay and I am fucking starving right now.  Ugh and sigh.  Well anyway - um - what the fuck is my point?  Am I seriously complaining that I cant somehow be magically good at something without trying?  HA - yes - yes I am.  OKAY.  Well - good - now if I cant keep myself from destroying my relationship while I'm at it that would be wonderful too.  Jesus.  I forgot my phone this morning and had to go back for it.  I made a choice - that being that I would rather be late than TORTURE myself all day worried about who may or may not be calling me.  I wasnt even that late is the crazy thing.  Omg WHAT the fuck am I writing about?  I have pms.  I need to go eat something healthy before I order a burger.  Love you bye.

Day 2161.

Wow - I just realized my 6 year anniversary is coming up fairly soon.  Beginning in September - oh duh - September 3rd - one month from today.  WOW.  That at this very moment seems mind blowing to me.  Okay so the weekend was good - but the week was rough.  I have been having a rough time although I went to the beach yesterday and today I got to put a mud mask on my whole upper body and relax before the guy drove me home.  I just made myself lunch which was lovely and in a couple of hours I'm going to go for a walk in the park and go to a meeting.  I did a show over the weekend that was reasonable good - I worked a lot on it - wrote, re-wrote and practiced it a ton of times.  Now I'm just waiting to see the recording which I do hope is indeed going to happen.  Haha - somehow I have a feeling it didn't work or something.  Well - whatever - it was good and the hard work paid off.  I need to figure out my week.  I don't know.  I'm going to try to go to some clubs - some other places where I don't usually go.  Ugh - terrifying.  So fucking scary.  Okay - maybe 2 open mics and 2 clubs to visit.  There - that's what I'm going to do.  Holy shit it's hot in my apartment.  The guy is great and well - patient.  I just - I'm - ugh - I just get annoyed and upset - him not being divorced yet, my job ending - haha - having no money.  Oh but seriously blah, blah blah.  I'm so fucking grateful to be sober.  Sober and in alanon.  Even if I am super uncomfortable and feeling shame & humiliation on a consistent basis (ha) - at least I'm not pissing on myself and throwing up every morning from my own doing.  And yelling at people.  I yelled at people so much.  When I was drinking and the first 3 years of my sobriety and 3 weeks ago.  Oye.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2154.

Whoa.  So what has this day been like?  I slept in - till 9:15 - which is much different from when I was drinking and sleeping in meant sleep till noon, drink and get high - go back to sleep till 3:00.  Oh God - it makes me so upset to even write that.  My poor life - my poor dog.  That dog must have been like - what is her fucking problem - she sleeps as much as I do.  Anyway so I got up, prayed & meditated, tried to pay a bill, got myself showered and the guy came and picked me up and drove me to the train station.  I came back to the city and met my sponsee at a meeting and then got some groceries and came back here to take care of myself before my week starts.  Someone asked me if I wanted to do a show last minute but I really needed to get myself together here at my place.  Which I think is good.  I mean I know it's good as far as my health and sanity goes but for comedy I'm not sure.  I feel like I should be out every night doing comedy and really hitting it super hard.  But I can't so that.  I have 2 programs I need to be in in order to be sane and I need and WANT to take care of them and I just haven't figured out yet how to balance everything.  Ah - so - so I guess that's just what has to happen for now.  That I'm taking care of myself and uncomfortable that I'm not killing myself in comedy.  There will come a time when I am out all the time - but for now - I need to take care of myself and work slowly towards that.  I just went and got MORE groceries and now I'm boiling eggs and waiting for the sun to go down a little more so I can go for a walk.  Man - I'm tired.  The heat - it just does me in.  So.  So I'm going to make dinner and clean.  Go to bed early and get ready for my week of work and comedy.  I'm terrified to get a new job and the guy's supposed to sign his divorce paper agreement this week.  Which makes me want to barf for some reason.  Jesus - it's just so scary.  What if he changes his mind?  What if his ex won't sign the papers?  What if she DOES sign the papers?  What if everyone signs the papers, they get a divorce and she leaves him alone????  THEN WHAT?  Then we can live together?  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  I'm not really keeping it in the day like this.  I'm not really sure that I just want to just move right in either.  Do I get on the lease?  I suppose I should think about that.  Ugh I had a blueberry coffee and I keep burping it up.  This weather makes me burp it's the worst.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blueberry Burger.

I had a blueberry salad last night with a burger on top.  From Bare Burger.  Have you eaten at this place sweet blog?  It's an organic, pesticide free burger place and it's delicious.  The only fucked up thing about the place is that they have pictures of cows and other animals dressed up as people and staring at you while you eat.  To be honest it's a little horrifying.  Cow heads on the wall, cows in dresses - cows with their baby cows in cute outfits with hats on.  Seriously - what the fuck is that?  Okay so I feel better from the last time I wrote - wow that was some serious drama.  I worked all weekend at a private party - outside in that blazing heat and I looked liked a sausage on Sunday - I was so swollen.  I did a show last night and it was great but I am exhausted.  I trained someone here at the store yesterday also - so technically I can go on auditions now - although now I need a new job so UGH.  Anyway - well but again - I feel better today.  Okay so I'm going to take the time to work on my resume.  I have been such a complete cunt to the women coming in here and I really need to get that in check.  Although - it felt great for a little while - I'm just so sick of pandering to them.  That being said I realized this morning how miserable they all are and how that sucks and if I'm a cunt too I'm being just like them.  Okay - THAT being said I turned the corner onto the block the store is on today and was making my way over to the gate box to open the store and this old lady was just veering in front of me and she was one her phone.  I had the "right of way" - if there is such a thing on the sidewalk - but she clearly expected me to stop for her.  She wasn't a sweet old lady either.  And she stopped and looked at me with this ridiculous look on her face and do you know what I did?  I said "Oh excuse me" and I kept walking.  AND IT FELT GREAT.  Then she kept tottering and talking on down around the corner.  I know it sounds like I did something douchey but I didn't.  I took care of myself and I was polite.  I simply did not twist myself into a pretzel merely because she expected me to AND FUCK HER ANYWAY.  Yeah so I need to get my attitude in check before I really tell someone to go fuck themselves.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Nothing to give.

I have absolutely nothing to give.  I am so terrified right now. I am not dealing well with all the questions from customers about the store closing an dI have my period and I just feel awful.  I feel like how I felt at the beginning of my sobriety - or for 3 years of it.  I feel crazy and like she has put me in a terrible position by not telling me she might be closing.  I don't know - I guess I'm super alcoholic or whatever right now.  I have been working on my new resume but - I have no confidence - Im just so scared and flipped out.  And then to make me more broken hearted - my guy asked me if I would be willing to adopt his granddaughter with him.  I said yes - and I was so happy.  I felt like it was a chance to finally get to be a mother - you know?  Then he talked to the woman at the place and the foster family actually has the right to adopt her first and she's been there for 2 years and I realized that it's probably not good for her to be taken away form them now.  So now I just feel so fucking sad.  That poor little girl - first she can't be with her real mom and then to take her away from where she's been for 2 years?  I can't - I can't be part of that - it just sounds awful for her.  Omg I'm just so upset.  And to deal with these spoiled, gross women is just more than I can handle.  The level of panic these women are expressing over this store closing is so ridiculous.  Im upset but it's my job.  They shop here twice a year - give me a fucking break.  Im just so sad.  Im so so sad.  And so people are coming in here and asking me questions and I can barely be polite to them much less help them buy a dumb sweater.  I just have my period right?  I can't stop crying.  I've needed a new job for so long - one where I am taken care of and appreciated.  Here's my chance.  My chance?  Haha.  Whoa Im really not okay.  It's okay.  Today is probably not the day to figure out the rest of my life.  I asked my sister for help with my resume.  Im so sad.  I said that already right?  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hell-o.

It's like Jell-o only it's my own personal Hell-O..  Haha what?  LOrd I woke up with PM to the mother fucking S!  Oh I did a seminar last night that was SO AWKWARD and I woke up in the middle of the night upset about it.  I was so upset when I left the seminar that it started pouring out and I had to duck into some chicken place and I the next thing I knew I was eating a giant chicken finger and something called mashed fried cheesy potatoes.  Um - what?  It's mashed potatoes with haha - french fries and cheese on top and then baked in the oven.  I love after all that, that they bake it.  Haha - baked not fried.  Anyway so I woke up in the middle of the night from probably the giant chicken finger trying to digest AND that mother fucker in my building smoking again and leaving his door propped open.  I got to work and called 311 and complained again.  I filed an official complaint.  But before I did that - I told myself - his smoking and propping isn't personal.  He isn't doing it because of me or even to tell me to fuck off.  So it made it easier to just call them and say - it's making me sick and waking me up in the middle of the night - that's it.  It just made me feel like less of a victim that's all.  They asked me if I wanted to file a complaint against the building and I said no.  I said I just want him to shut his door.  The man was so nice.  Why am I writing this I'm nuts.  Listen if I kept barfing on his front door - even if it wasn't personal - that man would say something!  So I said something and I will say something again!  I wish I had the balls to take a shit in a bag and put it in front of his door.  With a sign that says - oh sorry - THIS is personal.  Maybe this ISNT personal.  I need to go now I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm actually fine.  Regarless - I need to go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

"God Doing For Me What I Can't Do For Myself"

This is a saying in AA.  It means - ugh - I don't know what it means - something along the lines of - I won't do shit until it's way too late and eventually I will get pushed into, out of of or around it.  Which is off course today/yesterday exactly what has happened.  There is a big red FOR RENT sign on the door of the store I work at now.  Why?  Because she's closing - which I did not know or didn't know was going to be SO soon.  When do you ask?  September.  It's halfway through JULY.  Who told me?  The guy who PUT THE SIGN ON THE DOOR.  Guess how long I have wanted a different job?  The entire time I have worked here practically.  I mean and even if it has been the whole 4 years it has at least been 2 years.  A year?  I don't know!  It's so much better than waitressing but I can't even fully support myself here.  So see?  I'm being literally shoved out.  GET OUT!  GO!  Ugh.  I mean - anyway - jeez it's so awkward people coming in here with the sign!  They keep saying - "OH!  I'm so sorry you are going out of business!"  Which I don't even know what the fuck is happening - she just told me - literally - "That she doesn't know what is happening but the lease is up in September."  UM THANK YOU.  Ugh.  It feels rude.  Okay - it is rude - to not tell people who work for you that they might not have a job in a month in a half is rude. But - well - hello.  Anyway - that's where I am.  It's just like the comedy club - until I was making an eighth of what I was once was making I could not leave.  Or I CHOSE not to leave.  Fucking barf and whatever.  Haha.  WOW.  FOR RENT.  He was so creepy when he put the sign up and kept saying in a really soft, passive aggressive creepy way "Do you think people will see the sign?  I don't want people to miss it - do you think they can see it?"  It's a huge fucking FOR RENT sign in RED.  Yes - they see it.  Why do I care?  Because I'm an alcoholic and I don't ever want anything to change - even a situation I'm not happy with.  Ha!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Whoa. Busy.

Yesterday was my birthday - and my guy's birthday - we have the same birthday - have I ever said that?  Who knows but anyway - we do.  We went to see my family over the weekend - celebrated the holiday and then our birthdays.  Saw one of my oldest and dearest friends and her family.  Then yesterday we went to an IMAX movie in 3-D - haha - that's what he wanted to do.  I almost had a seizure I swear to God.  If you have any kind of PTSD I think seeing a violent and crazy action film in IMAX 3-D had GOT to be triggering!  Haha - it was great though.  So anyway.  Oh then we went to dinner and then I hosted a show.  I wrote with someone else yesterday - int he morning - I mean I got coached by her really.  I have so much information floating around in my head from working with these 2 different people I'm not sure how to process it all.  It was wonderful though and very helpful.  I also did a show Friday night although that was rough.  Oh lord.  He's such a wonderful sport about my comedy - it's so sweet.  So loving.  Anyway I feel a little overwhelmed.  Excited but a bit off the ground.  Anyway so - love you Bleubie byeeeeeee!!!

Reading.

I love to read - I have always loved to read.  One of the only classes I ever did well in at school was literature.  All you had to do was read the book and answer questions - or read the book and write about it.  I loved it.  So easy - so enjoyable - so INTERESTING to me.  I finished the book I was reading "The Goldfinch" and now I am reading "Finder Keepers" by Stephen King.  It's great.  I love him and I have always loved him.  When I was in high school I would go to the library and I would always get out one Stephen King book and one classic.  I guess I felt guilty about only reading Stephen King.  I always loved the classic too so it wasn't like it was some kind of hideous chore - I was just trying to make myself more well rounded I guess?  Man Catholic guilt - even in the fucking library!  So today on the subway I was reading the book and there is a kid int he book who learns he loves literature.  And it reminded me how much I loved reading and writing for that matter and then it made me sad that I didn't go to school for that.  I mean I can feel it in my blood.  I would have excelled at schooling of literature - even more than acting or dance or anything.  Isn't that crazy?  I guess that's part of why I love comedy so much - the writing.  Ah - i suppose it was confusing to my poor parents that I didn't do well at anything but somehow I aced every literature class I had - easily.  Haha - well and I read so alcoholically.  I would just sit and read, read and read.  I remember in 6th grade just ignoring everything the teachers were saying and just reading my novel in class.  It was an escape for me also.  Jesus - who knows?  Maybe everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.  All I know is I madly love to read.  Love.  LOVE!  And I am so grateful for it.  Now on top of the eye twitching I am having intense ringing in my ears.  I believe what is happening is some sort of thyroid problem.  I had blood work not too long ago though and nothing showed up.  But who know - maybe it's just at the mental level right now.  Time to learn how to express myself and let that little butterfly in my neck free so I don't gain 500 pounds and get miserable.  Free the butterfly!!!  What?  Bye.

A little bit up, down

I'm having some swings.  Why?  I don't know.  I'm tired, scared and bored.  Bad combo.  I did a mi tonight and I have a show tomorrow night and I have a direction to go in.  I met with someone and wrote with her and she gave me some pointers - a lot of pointers and it was - upsetting.  Basically - I need to work harder.  What made me think that wouldn't be the answer?  I'm not sure.  She also said to just be me - which also isn't what I wanted to hear even though I KNOW that's the best thing.  I wanted her to say be someone 15 years younger.  Why would that help me?  Ugh the guy and I had a row today - it wasn't good.  His son is not well - neither of his kids are well.  It's terrifying and so scary.  Also I don't know - it's so hard being in a relationship.  I know - awwww - no but really.  I just have such raging intimacy issues.  It's so much working things out and feelings and - sometimes I'm just not good at it.  Which make me sad.  But it's okay.  What?  I'm so tired right now I need to go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I peed in the sink.

I didn't get home until 2:00 last night - I hosted a show and I woke up this morning to talk wit my alanon sponsor.  That has nothing to do with anything except that I woke up exhausted.  I also woke up having to pee so badly I don't even know how I didn't wake up before that.  Well right when I woke up my boyfriend got in the shower and he always locks the door and we don't pee in front of each other anyway - which I am totally fine with.  His place has 2 bathrooms - mine does not.  I tried to hold it - started to make my coffee - I mean he doesn't even take long showers - I hadn't even been asleep for THAT long - I was sure I could hold it and then suddenly - I was sure I couldn't.  So I hoisted myself up and peed in the kitchen sink. I mean come on - what's the fucking difference right?  I have to tell you although I felt tremendous relief - I also felt completely stupid perched up on the edge of the kitchen sink like that.  I felt it best not to let him in on that little piece of information.  Anyway - I'm so tired today.  I was so tired yesterday and I thought I was going to rest and go to sleep early but then I got booked for that show.  I'm just a little fried I guess.  I have time today to take care of myself know.  I just prayed/meditated and I'm going to go into the park and then organize and clean up around here.  I'm not sure how to have a better attitude when I'm tired.  I guess I just have to practice that.  I suppose the better care I take care of myself each day the less I will get thrown off on days when I'm going to be up late and up early.  Okay.  Whatever.  Not whatever - I just need some exercise and I will feel better.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello.

Okay - so I just made a promise to myself that I will write everyday.  I'm so tired.  I already wrote in my journal (I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO GAY) and now I'm here.  Speaking of GAY - it's great day in history!!!  Hooray!!  I love gays and I love rainbows and I absolutely love love.  So hooray it's a beautiful day.  Everyone gay can marry in America just like everyone else!!  So I had a frustrating week alanonically wise - I am just no longer able to tolerate the same behavior from people.  Wait - let me clarify that to say that I no longer think I deserve to have to put up with wack-job behavior from people.  I simply don't have to be part of it.  The confusing part is that I am soon going to be out of people to talk to - haha.  No seriously though I need to meet more healthy performers!  People?  I don't know.  Yes I do - yes I do know very much so.  What?  But also it's not about me.  Other people aren't about me.  I used to be a dick when I was drinking and even if I said it was because of other people - it wasn't - it was because of me.  Now when people ask me to do things I don't want to do and they act needy and cray cray - it's not about me and I don't have to - stick around for it.  OR even BETTER - I don't have to go back FOR MORE!!  I am making some very slow but positive progress even though it might not actually sound like it.  Because what's different is that I don't want to fuck these people over - I just want to be happy and healthy and not have to deal with them - does that make sense?  On a side note I am eating toasted Exotic Black Rice Bread with peanut butter and you would think it's a fucking fudge caramel loaded sundae the way I'm eating it.  Lord!  Amen I love you bye.

Day 2122.

So this app I have tells me how many days I have been in recovery (I'm sure I have written that 12 times) and today is Day 2122.  Lord have mercy - unbelievable.  What's most unbelievable and amazing tome is not just that I have drank for that many days but that I'm slowly getting healthier also. SO SLOWLY.  Holy shit.  But today I took a shower, drank a green drink, prayed & meditate, walked through the park and brought an apple with me.  I also have on clean clothes and I am more or less comfortable in them.  Oh it's going to be busy here again today I can just tell so I wanted to write really quickly.  Something - I don't know what it is - I have to think differently about my career now.  I thought or think I thought that I could do it the way I did it last time - when I first started.  But everything has changed now - it's a completely different world and I am a different person and although it has worked a little bit - I am now left realizing I need to do something different.  SO.  So what in the world is it?  I don't know!  I'm asking people questions.  Ugh - it's quite frustrating - and confusing.  And you know I have decided that me taking care of myself, continuing to grow and be kind in these programs - while searching for ways I can contribute even more to this world - is being of service.  I'm not directly saving babies in Africa but who knows - maybe I am!  What?  Or I will.  What?  Lord I need some water.  My brain is flying in 50 million directions - I need to calm down or I'm going to be tired in 45 minutes and the day hasn't even started yet!  Breathe.  I'm going to pee and breathe.  Amen.  Love you Bluebie bye.

HiYA!

Karate CHOP!  What?  I have been so busy!!  It's so hard to write on here consistently but also I am reading a fabulous book that has me by the BALLS.  I can't stop reading it.  Hold on.  Okay I guess it's almost 800 pages long but I'm reading it on my ipad and it's 1400 pages long!  Haha.  It's called The Goldfinch and I LOVE IT.  Omg - it's so good.  Okay so the guy is great - so sweet - so loving.  We went to my parents for Father's Day and he cooked everyone steaks and they gave him a $50.00 gift card.  HA.  I was like "WOW - they don't want you going anywhere!"  Haha.  It was so nice.  I'm okay - slightly or more than slightly frustrated by my career being so slow going.  However, I am trying to take better and better care of myself - each day - so that's good.  I don't have class for the Summer so I can take the time to really focus on my comedy.  I feel like something is happening but I don't know what it is.  I mean creatively.  On another note I felt like I was being followed forever, it went away and now it's back again.  It's so fucking weird AND I look like a complete wacko stopping in the street and turning around trying to catch someone following me.  I'm not clever enough to figure out if someone is indeed following me - ugh - it's so weird.  Wow - I just got tired.  So - I guess I'm okay - I'm just going along trying to live well, grow well and stay sober.  I stood up to the other girl that works here though!  That's a good thing!  I just said "No."  And she was being very manipulative too and I just said no.  No I can not do it.  I don't want to do what you are asking me and that's it!  Once I realized I was going to be angry if I said yes to her - I realized it wouldn't be good for me - that it's unhealthy to do that.  It's not my job to help her out and anyway I have a million times.  So that was a great development.  Um - what?  I mean for me it is?  You know I write these things and then I'm like "WHY AREN'T I SAVING STARVING BABIES IN AFRICA??"  Ugh.  But who can save starving babies if they can't say no to someone?  Right?  What?  I have to save me FIRST for fucking once.  JESUS!  Why is this upsetting me all over again?  Hahahaa.  Okay bye.

Keeping clean.

So I'm working on this scene for class and got all confused about this guy being hot (even though I had no idea until a week ago) and me being horny and ridiculous and suddenly thinking maybe I'm supposed to have this guy's babies - right?  I'm mean WHAT the fuck is that?  He has a girlfriend and I have a BOYFRIEND - who I am IN LOVE with and I have zero desire to have a baby right now.  So then yesterday I rush to this rehearsal with a director and this guy - I'm all sweaty and I wore this hilarious but hideous costume and he shows up looking - UNREAL - gorgeous and then we rehearse like 20 minutes and he leaves to go to a show.  Then I couldn't stop thinking about how fat I am (which I'm not - I gained a few pounds but come on - and I'm not just saying that - if anything I'm just BLOATED) and how maybe he would like me better if I wore a nicer costume and I didn't have veins in my legs and what color is his girlfriend anyway??  And it felt AWFUL.  It felt like how I always used to be with men - "Does he like me - is he going to call?  I wonder if I wore yellow if he would like me better?"  WHAT?  I went to a meeting after the rehearsal and I realized how I was being.  Just crazy.  I shared about it the meeting and then something shifted.  Isn't that so scary?  I just slipped away a little bit in my thinking and behavior.  But it's okay I nipped it in the bud.  Or the meeting nipped it in the bud?  I wonder why that happened though?  I haven't been as good with my program - it's been so busy at the store and it's so hard to take phone calls.  I've been running around and doing and trying to get other odd jobs to supplement my income - I'm just flustered.  But that's okay - I have today to get myself together here.  I guess I just had some sort of emotional slip or something?  I DEFINITELY have not been working on my alanon stuff enough or gone to enough meetings.  Hello.  Gotta go sell some tunics - love you Bleubie bye.

Hi.

Well - I've been running around a lot this week and now I'm tired.  I got the owner to let me hire my friend so I could go to an interview to get a little job and who knows - I think the job isn't going to be as big as I thought it could be - BUT - I advocated for myself  and that's a great beginning.  UGH.  I'm all flustered and crazy.  I should go the store is busy.  I still love my guy and I'm fatter than ever.  I have a super hot scene partner from class who I didn't realize was hot until I put on my glasses.  I'm getting old.  Older, wiser and fatter.  I love myself.  What?  Love YOU Bluebie bye.

Repetition Compulsion.

This old thing again.  That's why my therapist said I continue to try and get the owner of the store to recognize me as a valuable employee.  It's me trying to get someone narcissistic and cray cray to see how wonderful I am.  It's like dating the same awful dude over & over again.  She said it's the hardest thing in all psychoanalysis to break.  Fun!!!!  Soooooo - gotta go - going to do a photo shoot where I'm a tourist.  That's fun right??  I mean for real not sarcastic.  Haha.  Bye byeeeeee sweet Blueber of my dreams.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges - turn and face the strain....

So I have an opportunity next week - okay wow - before I go into a super long back-story - this is the deal.  I need to ask the owner to hire someone else so I can go on auditions and go to jobs if I get them.  I need some more flexibility here at this job or I need to get a new one that is more flexible - that's it.  So I need to write her a letter and I am terrified.  I feel like - who the fuck do I think I am?  But if I don't advocate for myself I will be here forever - or not - but not growing.  I take all these classes, do all the shows and I can't even go on auditions!  For thin - who knows what I was writing there.  Someone came into the store.  Anyway - I need to get my balls in check and do this - just ask for what I would like - kindly and then move forward.  Without being a victim.  Is that possible?  Is that even possible???  I like working here - I love selling clothes - BUT - I love acting and comedy more and I want to let myself move towards that - which is also fucking TERRIFYING.  It also makes me thing - who the fuck do I think I am.  Terrifying.  Yikes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Home again home again jiggidy jig.

I'm back from vacation and it was so wonderful.  So - just mind blowing really.  I can't believe how much I love this man and that we can travel together is just so much fun.  We went to this beautiful wedding in a vineyard - at a vineyard in the mountains - SO GORGOEUS.  We went to see my sister and her family, went to the beach - I did shows - I performed out there!  We slept late and made waffles.  It was just so fun.  He loves comedy this guy.  He's so supportive.  It's just mind blowing.  We drove to LA and I did a show there - which was ROUGH - but I did it.  I don't know.  Im back now and wondering how in the world I can look 20 years younger by tomorrow.  Im not sure why.  Im also not sure its going to happen.  He surfed and I - did what?  Sat on the beach with my sister - haha.  And the kids.  I felt like I had so much to say.  We went to tons of meetings.  I just feel refreshed and good.  I also feel as driven as ever to do comedy but I don't know where in the world to start.  Im going to do some yoga and go to bed.  Im so grateful.  Tired and grateful.  Oh my credit card got stolen!  I tried to pay for dinner for my friends for their new marriage and the card got declined.  HA - how embarrassing is THAT.  Then it was because someone stole it and they shut it off.  WELL it was reaaaally hard not to be like OMG IT WASNT ME IT WAS SOMEONE STOLE MY CARD - then you are right.  What?  Im tired - love you Bluebie bye.

Ah - life.

It's Memorial Day and I'm in awe today thinking of people going and fighting for this country - people willingly fighting so that we can have a safe place to live.  So that someone like me is able to wake up, pray in a reasonably peaceful apartment and walk in a beautiful park - and have a life.  I'm just in awe.  Also Anne Meara died.  She was older and had a beautiful life but it's still so sad.  Aww - I just - I don't know - I guess Im so emotional.  The park was glorious although I was jogging and Lord - it's rough going for me.  Sunny, breezy - gorgeous day.  I miss my guy but he had to work today and I have a show tonight and I need to do some shopping for our trip this week.  I got a good night's sleep.  I'm so in love with him - it's so hard to not just keep going back and staying with him - but then I'm not taking care of myself.  What an odd thing.  Balance - I guess it's never been what I thought it would be - starting in ballet class.  Okay sooooo - I feel so incredibly grateful today.  I can't believe I wake up in the morning still.  A woman said good morning to me in the park - I said good morning back and kind of laughed to myself because I thought it was the afternoon but it wasn't!  It was the morning still.  It blew my mind.  Oooookay - I'm very - whatever - well as I said - emotional and grateful.  Life is so tender.  HA.  Love you sweet Bluebie bye.

Ohhkaaay.

So I realized sometime while working so hard on that bizarre jewelry business that I had business cards for that but none for my comedy - or acting.  What the fuck is that?  How after all this time do I not even have business cards??  So then - well I'm going to get them so there's that.  I have such wicked pms but I have been exercising so it's better.  What?  I just spent 3 days trying to figure out why something wouldn't load correctly onto my "website" - a term I am using VERY loosely trust me - to find out finally - there are TWO DIFFERENT youtube accounts.  WOW.  Seriously wow.  Hahaa - well anyway - I'm just going to do a little bit everyday and take care of myself.  Treat it like a real business and let myself - what?  I have no idea what I was going to write.  I'm so sleepy.  I'm going to drink a green drink and go for a walk.  I need to clean also and get myself ready for the week.  I am fucking terrified for this show on Wednesday.  Holy shit.  I am soooo sleepy.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

My eye is still twitching - in fact worse than ever - it's sort of my whole front face - both around the eye areas that are sort of pulsing but the right eye is twitching.  It looks crazy.  So that's fun.  I had a good morning today - got enough sleep, prayed + meditated - went to a meeting and went into the park for a walk.  I just ate a super healthy lunch and even though I should never drink coffee again I'm making one.  It's nice to be home - it's lovely day and it's quiet here.  I wish I had more things to do creatively but also - I have no energy.  I wonder if my energy is ever going to come back.  It doesn't seem like it.  I do also have PMS so I should give myself a break.  I'm home so I can get my apartment together and then the guy is going to come pick me up later.  I don't know - I'm - what?  You know I shouldn't even be writing - I'm okay today - I just need to take this time to get myself together in this apartment and take a nice hot shower and be grateful I'm sober.  I'm sober and I have a show this week.  I'm slightly terrified about it but - well - it will be okay.  It's already okay.  Alllriiighty sooo - bye?  Haha - love you sweet blog of mine.

Tired. Humidity. Nice weekend.

That really sums it up in the title.  It's SO humid and its totally Summer outside and I was dressed for a chilly Fall day today.  Haha - sweater and everything.  And boots!  Anyway I am home now and I have on shorts and the air is on and I am trying to figure out my comedy week and doing some stuff for that show I'm producing that's next week.  And drinking some delicious coffee.  I'm trying to cut down and it turns out - I can not.  The end.  I do think I am drinking slightly less but you know what - today isn't the day oh well.  We went to see my parents this weekend and it was SO nice!  We went to brunch and sat around the picnic table and talked while all these green things fell out of the trees.  It was so picturesque except for them landing in our drinks.  They drank wine - we had coffee and tea and it was fabulous.  It's so nice to still be able to have a lovely time and not get wasted.  My brother and his wife an done of his boys were there and it was just - lovely.   Anyway - we drove back last night and went to a meeting and went home.  Haha - when did that become awesome?  So lovely.  I'm so tired today but I think I just need to go for a walk in the park.  It is almost 6 so I better go.  I need some more groceries.  What am I talking about?  I have to pee.  I'm so grateful I'm sober.  SO GRATEFUL.  Bye.

Okay here's the thing.

I'm at the store today so I am thinking.  It's been a little busy so that's good.  I have realized these last couple of months that I am reasonably good at comedy - right?  And for years - well okay this was when I was already bottoming out - but I was always trying to be something else.  Some OTHER kind of comedian and actress.  Now I am beginning to learn that I am fine how I am and THEN I'm worried I wasted SO much time.  How is it ever going to be okay for me?  I don't know.  All I know is my thinking stinks and I need to change it.  I was so sad today and the streets were so quiet this morning and I told myself that it was going to suck today.  Then I said no - no its going to be great.  I just said it's going to be great and it's been a good day.  People have come in and shopped.  Okay so that's one thing I'm thinking about - changing my thinking.  I love my thinking!  See - there I have already begun.  Now the other thing.  I remembered these women (one woman in particular) who I drank at - and was still upset about FOR YEARS.  I wrote about it on her - many times.  I always thought I was such a victim of her somehow.  I remembered something I said to her - that was so - rude.  So unkind and - I don't know - I just remembered that recently and I really was like - WOW - that was such a douchey thing for me to say and I'm a victim of her?  That had to have hurt her feelings or made her furious at best.  Needless to say I'm thinking about it and she's not.  I just realized as all alcoholics finally do at some point - that I had a huge part in what failed in the relationship.  Aw - it's sad.  But okay.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  I'm so fucking bored.  I need a better job and I can't fathom working in an office - I tried to apply for something and my soul dried up and died even before I applied.  OKAY - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND BE OKAY.  That's it.  There we go.  LOVE you Bluebie bye. 

Still sad and I ate some bread AND dairy.

Holy shit - I think I have lost some bloat though.  But come on - what the fuck - was I really eating my feelings that much?  And what was I eating?  Sadness?  I mean this job kind of blows that's for sure.  I don't love helping cunty women - but this is so much better than waitressing.  I don't know.  I need to laugh or something.  Okay - you know what - I am just going to make the best of this day and - what?  I don't know.  Isn't that the best I can do?  I am grateful that I am sober - it's the greatest thing and if I'm having some latent sad feelings from not eating as much meat, dairy and BREAD - AND sugar - well - what the fuck - do I really have to give it a story?  I'm just sad and uncomfortable.  That's all.  My eye is still twitching - which is what started all this - I was trying to get my eye to stop twitching.  So I guess I had no idea I was backing up a whole bunch of feelings with bacon, egg and cheddar sandwiches.  Omg - YUM.  Haha.  And ice cream.  And what else?  LOTS of delicious things.  But gross - I guess I had some cleaning out to do.  And hello - I still ate a candy bar yesterday and a piece of pizza.  I just got one with spinach on it and then I ate some peanut butter when I got home.  And some dark chocolate.  OMG - that doesn't sound like I'm cutting back so much on anything right?  Haha.  But I am.  OKAY.  I'm also being so hard on myself and honestly I think I'm doing the best I can.  It's just one day at a time right?  That's all I can do.  I'm sober and that is the greatest gift.  I went to a meeting last night after therapy and one of my sponsees was there!  Ha - accountability.  I got a manicure in between and the lady was so nice to me.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Ugh - fucking blech.

This day sucked my balls.  I don't even know really why.  I got up okay - I got to walk through the park and I got to work on time.  I brought my apple and I had soup for lunch.  I'm just sad.  I miss my dog and I am so sad I'm not a mom.  Maybe I'm just sad because I'm eating less bread.  I don't know - that seems so over the top crazy to me.  But I'm eating less bread and dairy and I'm sad.  UGH.  I had a great night last night - I did an open mic that was awesome and then I went to my commercial class and killed it.  He said I'm like a different person - he said I totally aced it.  It was fun and - yeah - I have definitely learned in that class - I definitely had a breakthrough of some kind.  My book is done.  I was reading a book and now I am done with it - am I sad about that?  Maybe?  My mother gave it to me at Easter - she said it was cute and it was.  The All Girls Filling Station's Last Reunion.  UGH - I hate the way I feel right now.  I have to say though - omg - compared to being drunk and fighting that God forsaken fight of being drunk and trying to feel better all the time - FUCK - this is okay.  I'm just super uncomfortable.  SUPER.  Way.  Way uncomfortable and I want to eat cheese fries and a BACON CHEDDAR BURGER YES but I also want to wear a bathing suit soon.  Not that I can't eat that and get into a bathing suit - I just don't want to feel gross either.  OH WOW - I thought maybe I would feel better writing  here but it's making me sadder. YIKES.  Okay - well I love you sweet blog bye.

Day 2071.

Had a great day yesterday.  In awe today of being sober actually even though it was a rough morning.  I didn't set my alarm and I forgot to call my alanon sponsor.  Now she just sent me a text to let her know if I'm not going to call because she plans her morning around our call.  Once last Summer she sent me a text right when we were supposed to talk and said she had to cancel - actually shes done that a few times.  I am trying so hard right now not to write her back.  I mean come on.  Okay now I wrote her back.  I was polite and said I shouldn't have said I could speak at that time - which I shouldn't have.  I have to leave my house at 9:00 and I can barely ever do that - how can I have a phone conference at 8:15?  She was just being rude to me and I don't even think that's me being overly sensitive.  Oh here we go now shes probably going to dump me.  Right in the middle of this excruciatingly long 4th step.  I mean it was around this time 2 years ago that my other sponsor dumped me.  Ha.  The one that told me "Um - we can never talk about Astrology - um - no."  Do you know what's even crazier than me talking about some ridiculous thing from 2 YEARS ago?  I don't know.  I have no idea what I was going to write.  I called my guy to ask him to talk me off the Alanon edge.  He said I should talk to her - talk it out - not right now or today - maybe next week after I calm down - talk it out.  Ah - who is this guy?  I have to go - at work.  Love you Bluebie bye.