Total mess.

Mostly because of my attitude I guess.  I went into the city last night - after moving the day before - to go to my meeting and do a show.  Of course it was raining and I got my period yesterday.  I had to - or I chose to sit ina diner for an hour and a half to wait for the show, I went and then it got cancelled.  Tourism has been down because of Paris I guess.  So then I walked to Grand Central - which felt great actually and then I had to wait 40 minutes for the train, then take the 50 minute train ride home.  I just sat there grumbling the whole ride home and every time the person in back of me opened their cellophane bag of whatever I imagined stabbing them in the face.  I bled ALL OVER the place because I used the wrong protection when I was at my meeting - all my stuff is all over the place and I was doing service and couldn't go to the bathroom.  OR I didn't let myself go to the bathroom.  But this is the thing - moving day was great.  The guy worked so hard with me, we took great care of the apartment, got everything out in just the right time and then we went and had a really nice dinner.  I passed the keys on no problem and now Im here in this cozy, clean, loving apartment.  I just feel gross and sad.  Plus I didn't get paid from my job for 3 days and that felt bad.  I don't really have any money - certainly no extra money and I didn't get paid last night because the show got cancelled.  Im fine - Im taking care of - I just feel like Im not and I feel like Im getting the shit end of the stick for some reason - or like I made the wrong choice.  Why didn't I make him come live with me in the city?  I didn't want him to and I was tired of living there - I wanted fresh air.  I could have read last night in the train.  I could have written!  UGH - I could have talked on the phone like other people do on the train - well no my battery was going and it is rude.  Im just a mess I guess.  See?  My attitude stinks.  Maybe I will feel better after I pray & meditate and do some organizing here in the apartment.  Im sure that will help a ton.  Love you Bluebie bye.