Sugarfree Saturday.

Well I still have the Circumstance happening - which is what my friend ugh let's call her Lauren because that's her name - says to call it so that's what we are calling it.  I will call her by her real name and the thing by that one.  What?  Anyway.  Sigh.  But I feel a lot better.  I have talked to a million people and doctors and I went and got an MRI.  I had to get on my hands and knees and pray before I did the MRI because I was so fucking scared.  I did it though.  I got really lucky - it was a new machine so it was big.  They had me on my stomach anyway but still.  I went to see one specialist about what the operation would be like and HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE.  He seemed to think it's small and so not much involved but offered to give me a breast lift and reduction while he was in there.  You can't see me right now but I do not need a reduction OR A LIFT thank you very much.  So I have an appointment for a second opinion.  Maybe she will say the same thing I don't know.  Maybe she will make the same seemingly bizarre offer.  Can you even imagine I feel guilty saying that he said that?  It just seemed so strange.  I am trying to make fun of it but I guess it just hurt my feelings but also - it felt like he was trying to sell me a used car.  Or a new car - but - a car.  I was so upset, so freaked out almost all week.  Then I finally calmed down.  I don't even really know what happened.  I think it was my friend Lauren saying it's just a circumstance and it's going to be okay.  She got an MRI two days before me and she was like "It was nothing - I just meditated while I was in there for 20 minutes."  So that's what I did and I also have been just telling myself to be strong and I keep saying to myself "Thank you for my healing thank you for my healing thank you for my healing."  I have been going to meetings and making phone calls to other sober women who have had a similar circumstance.  The kids came back also and I got to take them to the pool for 2 days and that helped so much.  They are so funny, dorky and self-centered - not worried at all about me or what might be going on.  It was so refreshing.  I have continued on this diet and if ever there was a reason to change my fucking thinking as well as my diet it's this one.  So I haven't had any sugar in 22 days!  23?  Wait am I lying?  Yes because I had Tums twice.  Well for the most part I haven't had any sugar, dairy, grains or beans for 23 days.  Tonight for dinner I made salmon cakes with fresh dill, fresh parsley, fresh shallots, almond flour  and sweet potato.  I even made a homemade tartar sauce.  THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD.  Then I made banana ice cream.  Which is frozen bananas with coconut milk, cinnamon and nutmeg.  I also added cocoa.  It's not supposed to be part of the diet but I get a pass (self-given) from the Circumstance.  It's still sugar free!  And it's fucking delicious.  I think maybe it sounds fucking disgusting but when you haven't had any sugar for 23 days it's amazing.  The guy is being so great thank God - we got past that initial hump.  Sleeping has been hard but I'm switching up my coffee use so hopefully that will adjust as well.  I am still totally terrified and sad plus my boob feels electric which I know is in my head but still.  Anyway it's Saturday and it's been a nice day.  I feel lucky and grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.