Raining.

It's raining.  Is that a powerful title or what.  Oh you know what it stopped.  The genetics lady just called and they approved the genetics testing for me which  means it's going to be about 2 weeks before I know when I will have surgery.  Is that true?  I have no idea actually.  I am going to see a woman today who is going to "educate" me...I think?  Honestly I don't know what she is going to do.  They asked me to be part of some study and I said yes.  It's about stress levels during this.  I think I can say I am pretty stressed.  And exhausted.  My energy level is at like nothing.  Which honestly isn't saying much since I was tired already.  Well I just sent the Snake Doctor an email asking him what that might be about.  Googling isn't always helpful because people say lots of scary things but maybe I should do some research?  Not now I have to get ready.  I have horrible PMS and I can't do anything about it since I have that biopsy Monday.  Oh my God - I looked up what kind of biopsy it is and - they lay you face down on this table with your boob poking through a hole and then they raise the table up and do stuff to your boob.  IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY.  Once again I am not even sure why I am writing right now.  I guess I just wanted to express my terror and frustration.  That almost made me laugh because it's so fucking dramatic.  It is however how I feel.  I guess the exhaustion is what worries me - like I might be sicker than they realize or something?  I have to say though that I am not sleeping that great and all of this is so overwhelming.  Changing my diet - waiting to hear what is happening now with my other breast while this one waits to be operated on.  Yeah okay that's making me tired.  I have to go get ready to do this - whatever it is at the hospital.  I hope that woman who is the "breast navigator" isn't there.  She was so aggressive.  Holy fuck.  All she did was talk about herself and whatever.  I am sure some people really need that when they are going through this.  A distraction.  It would have been nice if she asked me if I was okay or if I needed anything.  Oh no!  PMS!  I'm trying to replace the PMS with God.  I'm pretty sure it's not working since my mind keeps slipping back into negative thinking and obsessive thoughts.  At least I know that's what they are.  Yeah right.  That's good.  I know it's just my head going in the wrong direction - not something I need to focus on.  Is that me being hard on myself?  I think I am hot - is it hot in here?  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.