Man.

Men.  I love men.  I love man bodies and I love penises.  I like a big dude laying on top of me and I like hairy, muscled bodies.  I like the way men smell and I love big, rough man hands.  I dig men and I love fucking them.  That being said I can not imagine anything that has made me feel less sexy than this.  I don't feel sexy - I feel gross, damaged and broken.  You now wait I take that back.  My bottom made me feel pretty unsexy and being an active drunk was NOT hot although I spent a lot of time humping my radiator.  That being said this is rough and maybe some women get breast cancer and it doesn't effect their sexuality but it's effecting mine.  That being said it's rough with my guy.  I never would have thought he would be like this with something so serious.  He seems to be minimizing it and basically falling short.  Maybe not now - we had a big, long uncomfortable and painful talk last night and maybe things will shift.  I woke up feeling awful and he felt way better.  I don't know.  My tendency is to want to just fucking leave.  I just want comfort and healing and he wants to have sex and have our lives just continue as they were.  Maybe that's the right thing but it doesn't feel like it.  It feels hurtful and just - I don't know what.  Who knows.  I got my period so things are better than last week and certainly better than Saturday.  I have no idea - I have never been in  healthy relationship that has been challenged like this and so I'm fucking clueless.  It just feels like he's being a dick but who knows.  It's a rainy day and I just want to go back to bed.  Maybe I can't heal here with him.  Maybe he doesn't have it in him - lots of people don't.  At least he was honest.  I can handle that.  At least he wasn't making me feel like I'm crazy.  He seemed angry and he is.  He seemed resentful and he is.  I have no idea what the answer is or if there even is one.  No one is perfect.  I just want kindness between us but I also want him to go fuck himself.  Hmmmm that's confusing.  Whatever - Christ I feel guilty even WRITING this - what the fuck is that???  I need to let myself have my fucking feelings and right now I feel disappointed and hurt - that's it.  Do I think he's malicious?  NO.  Does he love me?  Yes I know that.  He seems angry he isn't getting what he wants and that feels fucking hurtful and gross.  So I have no idea what to do or how to help heal myself or us.  What a mind fuck.