Ugh.

How do I have fun with someone who is leaving?  How do I have fun in a relationship that is ultimately not going to work?  We went to the movies yesterday and got a quick bite to eat and it was so fun.  I'm just - a mess still.  I'm better - I worked so hard all weekend - so hard.  I just - it's exhausting.  I had no idea - I had no idea that I had all this in me.  There is a customer here and it's really fucking weird to be writing this while someone is looking at earrings.  I'm so serious lately - it's awful.  The woman who was here earlier?  She kept talking to me and staring at herself in the mirror.  She would get my attention and then start talking and turn to the mirror and look at herself.  It was like she wanted me to pay attention to her so she could talk to herself in the mirror.  What the fuck is that?  I'm upset.  I will never be able to have a relationship until I take care of these issues and by - I don't know what I was writing.  It's later now - that woman bought a pair of earrings and my lunch came - I got all distracted.  I ate hoping I would feel better but now I had to stop myself from crying.  I'm just tired and lonely.  How is it I am lonely but whenever I have people around me I just want them to get the fuck away from me?  Well here's the good part of the story - I have finally looked at the things that have always alluded me and I have ignored and numbed with booze and pot.  And I have tools for how to deal with these things.  Maybe I shouldn't have had pastrami for breakfast.  Now I'm bored.  I do know this - by the time I do get my shit together it's probably too late for me to have a relationship.  It just feels so weird with him now - I can't explain it - like the magic is gone.  But at least we are having fun again.  My sponsor said I need to love myself and recognize I am loved by my higher power.  Just now I was moving my arms a little bit and missing dancing so much and thinking how hard it is for me to love myself.  Is this where I am now?  I have to fall in love with myself for real?  I have to learn to love myself?  I seriously don't think I can do that.  I mean - but what else am I going to do?  I'm getting all dried up from the negative thinking and the not loving myself.  It does indeed get in the way of the sunlight of the spirit and it is so fucking boring.  I'm so bored - I can't even take it.  Here is the perfect example of how insane my thinking is - my perception.  I just saw a happy couple walking across the street with their dog - the girl looks so happy and secure and I was like "How do they do it?  How did they find each other????"  Then I realized the guy is blind, it's guide dog and she looks like she is just helping him.   Okay - okay.  Okay.  Well I suppose it doesn't do me any good to be mad at myself.  I'm just - not great today - that's all.  FUCK.  Okay - bye.  Love you Blueberry.