Okay - I told myself I wasn't going to do this but I can't help it.....

I was having a bad day yesterday - so sleepy, my hair looked like a wig - I was miserable and felt gross.  I ate a bad lunch and I told myself I was just going home after work and not going to a meeting.  Then I just really wanted to drink.  I was leaving the store and I wanted to drink and/or do drugs - whatever - I wanted some serious fucking relief.  I had decided I was going to go to a meeting because I was so crazy and I went to get a brownie and a coffee first.  All they had at the place was VEGAN banana flavored shit and the girl was a cunt to me (she probably wasn't but IT FELT LIKE IT).  SO I angrily walk away, walk all the way to the meeting - giving some old lady a dirty - I mean DIRTY look and when I finally get to the place - cancelled meeting.  SO I called Intergroup and found a different one - all the fucking way back where I just came form at a meeting place I have been to before and don't really like.  But at this point I'm really nuts so I go.  I go and I'm not kidding you the speaker talks about almost drinking at 3.5 months sober because she let herself get away from the program and away from God.  I only didn't pray & meditate yesterday morning but I haven't been resting or taking proper care of myself because of my house guest.  But also - because I haven't been.  I mean this woman really spoke to me - I shared and honestly I felt completely different when I left that meeting.  I mean come on - really?  Just when I was thinking this isn't for me - it's too much - I go to a meeting, I didn't drink and I went home and took great care of myself and put myself to sleep early.  I still woke up at 2:00 to let the guy in but I went right back to sleep and got up early and worked with my Alanon sponsor.  I think I'm over living here - I want to move to California.  Is that true?  What am I doing?  I want my own family - I want to be balanced.  I want someone who has a job and can take care of me.  On a totally positive note my hair looks AMAZING today!!  The dirtier it gets the better it looks!  Awesome.  I haven't been on a vacation in years.  Years.  I mean - I have been to my parents in Ct.  I suppose that is a vacation.  I'm so tired right now.  Okay - so balance.  I met this man the other night at a meeting - he had 12 years that day and I told him that all I know is that I don't drink and keep going to meetings and after that let things work themselves out.  He said "Yes - yes that's exactly right."  in this Danish accent.  It was weird.  Anyway - I meant that.  Can I just say a lady just called here to the store and sounded WASTED and was asking all sorts of questions about the store and the owner has been ordering from them for YEARS and she had no idea what I was talking about.  She was like "Okay honey - I will look into it."  I was like "Look into what - we have your clothes here in the store - she has been ordering from you guys for years."  She was all slurry and if felt like her words weighed 1000 pounds each.  I AM SO GRATEFUL I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE.  For right now today.  Fucking a fuck.  THIS WAS SO LONG AND ABOUT NOTHING!!!!!!  BYE BLUEBIE - I LOVE YOU.