Hmmm....

so....it's Wednesday and I'm here at the store and I was late but I'm here.  I'm realizing so much lately how my thoughts - how I think so much negatively and then - then that's what happens.  What?  Okay - this morning - I felt like a victim - a victim to what?  I got the guy up and he went in the bathroom and then I was like "OH - great now I can't brush my teeth - he's ruined my day - he's doing whatever he wants and NOW I HAVE A DIRTY MOUTH FACE."  Um - what?  First of all the number of times I have not brushed my teeth before work is many and I had my toothbrush packed away to bring to work ANYWAY.  All I had to do was walk over to the kitchen sink and just BRUSH MY TEETH.  So - are you following me?  There are many more examples of where I just feel victimized but I'm the one doing it.  I'm over it - I can take care of myself and I want to do that.  UGH.  He wakes up sweetly too.  Most of the time I guess.  MORE UGH.  I straightened my hair last night and now I look like I have on one of those wigs that the Jewish women wear.  I don't mean to brag or anything.  HOWEVER - the color looks great.  So once again I feel like I am getting sober in a whole new way.  I mean this is really what and where all my issues have stemmed from.  I have felt like a victim of life - MY WHOLE LIFE.  Do I even mean this?  Yes - yes I do.  And I have such self-defeating thoughts and they all are based around other people somehow fucking me over.  Like I am at the mercy of everyone else.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LAME ASS SHIT?  Just in case you are wondering the status on my hair - I pushed the bangs to the side and put all of the hair on my right shoulder and now it looks so much less like a Jewish wig.  I hope that doesn't sound racist.  I just - well - it's an amazing way to describe my hair before this last adjustment.  How can I be so deep and shallow at the same time?  I'm like an ocean!!!  Gross.  I want to eat a water buffalo.  Or just something big I guess is my point.  I want one of those fake white fluffy rugs for my "living room."  Um - I'm real weird today.  I need to drink A LOT of water, go home and get an amazing night's sleep.  Okay - so have a great cyber day Bluebie.  Love you.