Back here again.....sort of......

I got called off from work after I was already there in the neighborhood.  I went a tiny bit early to go to my meeting - it's slow because of the blizzard.  I was so annoyed but also - once again I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted and I'm sad.  He was here last night because he got called off and we went to dinner, came back here and made coffee and watched a movie.  I gave him a back rub - he fell asleep and I cried so hard watching the end of the movie and then took pictures of us together while he slept with my laptop.  I woke him up at one point because he was sweating and asked him if he was hot - which he did not like and when I told him I was taking pictures of him while he slept - he said "That's not creepy or anything."  So I deleted all of them.  They looked weird really was what it was.  Here is my point - today while I was making us breakfast his mother called and he was talking more and more about moving to Utah.  Fucking Utah.  I mean I really thought it was a great idea - I still do - he's going to go be with his son.  But what the serious fuck?  What am I doing?  What am I doing spending all this coupley time with someone who is going to LEAVE.  FOREVER.  Ugh - that's not even the real thing - the real thing is that once again I'm not taking CARE OF MYSELF and I'm crazy.  I'm so fucking confused.  Holy shit - honestly I think I just have really bad PMS and I just - I don't know how to take care of myself.  This is good - I can't stay with him anyway.  What?  I am just so tired.  Here's the thing I feel like once again I'm at this place.  "Why is this the guy I get?  Why am I so fucking miserable and unable to take care of myself and say no and have boundaries."  Except - I went to a meeting tonight and then I got some groceries and came home and made myself some food and I'm watching a marathon of Big Bag Theory.  I didn't freak out on her that she called me off and I had clean apartment to come home to.  I don't know - now I'm fucked for money - I wake up everyday so sad and upset that I'm not an actress.  It's winter and I'm broke - I haven't taken a vacation in years.  I just wanted a boyfriend and then a husband and maybe a baby.  A family - I wanted a family.  DO I want him to be my family?  I don't know but now I don't even get to decide.  I like him so much - he make me laugh.  Okay - tomorrow is a new day.  I'm going to take a bath.  Fucking UTAH.  I can't imagine a better thing to go to than your son though - seriously.  I think if I just really start taking care of myself this will all be a lot easier.  I really just feel that in my heart.  Okay - I feel it in my mind.  I will just have to start there.  This is all has to be for the best somehow.  I just want to be loving and kind.  To myself to start and then out.  So okay.  Another long boring post.  Bye Bluebie - love you.