Another doozy.

So I don't drink anymore and it turns out I am fucking - wow - I don't want to say crazy - that's not nice and that is not fair.  But I am seeing how completely not functional I am in  relationships.  Do you know the main reason why?  I stop being honest.  I just stop being honest and I start manipulating and not saying what I want - not saying no - not being real - not being me and then I flip the fuck out.  It's so true.  That and I think I'm a lesbian.  What?  No - I don't.  I have always lived in a slight fantasy world and now - now that I am trying to be in reality - what?  This is so exhausting to write and this is more embarrassing than being a drunk.  I'm learning though - I really am.  I don't want to take responsibility for this stuff - I just want to be the victim.  This is what I have done in every relationship.  I get crazy, psycho jealous.  But it's more than that.  I can't stand the feelings - I just can't.  So it's a combination of things.  Okay being an alcoholic and an alanonic.  Gross.  I hate it.  I had a boyfriend once who was like "But I don't understand - it's got to be more - more than just the feelings right?"  He meant it so nicely and he was a FEELER.  He just couldn't understand how I could be bat shit so upset by something that wasn't REAL.  Also - I deserve better.  I'm so fun and I'm sweet and I'm GOOD.  I'm so fabulous but when I get triggered and I get upset - ew - it's gross.  Okay - so awesome.  I just got so tired.  Why do I write this stuff on here?  It's so nuts.  I wrote on the train tonight on the way home and it made the trip go by SO much more quickly - it was awesome.  I know why I write it on here - it's fascinating.  Look I got sober and now I'm really going to get to some shit.  What a beautiful thing to do for myself.  I can do this.  What?  It makes me so uncomfortable to be confident.  Bye Bluebie - love you.