Thanksgiving 2012.

This is my fourth Thanksgiving sober.  I went to bed early last night and went for a walk along the river with my friend.  I helped do dishes for my mother and I took a nap with my dog.  I also took pictures of my cousin, her husband, her baby and my dog for their Christmas card.  They use my dog every year for their photo.  So.  So I'm a little sad.  Why don't I want to go to school for acting?  Why can't I just act?  Why can't I do comedy?  I just can't get out there every night.  It's so wonderful being here on the farm and hearing my parents tell stories and the baby is so cute but I feel displaced.  NO family of my own.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm so lucky to have this family - MY family and we are going to my brother's today and - I'm just sad.  Maybe the coffee isn't strong enough here.  I came back from my walk and had a cup of coffee and fell asleep for half an hour.  I just want something to wake up for - to work towards - to put my passion in.  I also really want to take care of myself and time is running out fast.  I need to prepare for my future and I don't think the 140 dollars I have in my savings account is enough.  WHICH IS A MIRACLE by the way.  Why do I write all this down?  I write in my journal - write on here - I have notes all over the place but I don't have something I can SELL.  I don't have - my creative people.  I have my program people - thank God - thank you thank you for that.  I need my creative people.  I thought it was comedy - it was - there was a while there - they were - they were my creative people.  I need to get inspired - I need an idea.  Or I need a to DO one of my ideas.  What do you think of the Gay & Breakfast?  A show - ugh- see - I just got tired.  I'm showered - I have on make-up - another miracle.  The first year I came here for Thanksgiving in sobriety - I smelled so weird on the train.  I got up to get off the train in the city and I smelled so weird - I was detoxing.  Now - now I am not.  I can put myself to sleep early and wake up and help.  Now please Dear Lord - give me back my art.  I need to access the vein again.  I have one month if I want to apply to schools.  One month.  Oh my.  Okay - I need to eat a turkey leg.  I love you Bluebers.