Pen of God. Ugh.

I want to be the pen of God.  Just feel God come right out of my heart, through my arm and out the pen.  I was going to say head.  That's my big problem - my head.  My heart feels like a frozen rock in my center.  I am a little frazzled to say the least.  I'm freaking out worried about my future and I feel - worried.  I was all gung ho to apply to schools but something felt so wrong - so panicky - so the way I feel when I HAVE to have some item of clothing like it's going to complete me.  I made myself this big meal yesterday when I got back here - I caramelized red onions, made refried beans and a sharp cheddar omelet.  I ate it all and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours.  Say what?  I had this crazy dream about putting a severed head out in my old back yard - not like old where I grew up but old - like it was old - really ancient.  I had forgotten it was there this back yard.  I put the severed head in what looked like an outdoor fire pit that wasn't in use and next to it was a heart.  As I walked away this head was looking at me - seemingly trying to tell me something.  I thought it strange that there was a heart also because I didn't remember putting it there.  I climbed up these reaaaaaly old stone steps with leaves all over them and twigs - steps that seemed unused you know?  Then I went into my apartment and felt like I was trying to act like it wasn't completely wrong that I just left a severed head out back.  My apartment had sliding glass doors and I could see my neighbor smoking.  I believe that part of the dream was just someone smoking.  So after freaking out when
I woke up and doing a little research I realized I'm thinking with my head and not my heart.  My heart is so frozen.  Ha - I'm not really laughing but I wrote that and that Madonna song came into my head.  When I prayed this morning one of my daily reader books said one has no right to get in the way of the growth of another OR ourselves.  Well - there you go.  I just - okay - wow.  The comedy club was so sad last night.  I can work on my resume.  I can do that and get myself another job.  Right?  I just want to write.  A lot.  Be the pen of God.  The actress of God.  Ew - that sounds so gay.  Gross.  I need to go for a walk.  Okay - bye.