The path.

I'm crying right now - I'm so tired - I just finished watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead and I had a crazy emotional weekend.  I had a visitor who didn't know I was sober.  The last time she came to stay with me here in the city I was drinking.  I was drinking and doing tons of comedy and I was way more fabulous.  I guess.  I mean - on the outside maybe.  Here's the thing - here's the real thing.  I'm on this path - I'm on this path that I always wanted to be on.  One where I would be able to actually hear myself - and be healthy.  I thought this morning how I want to be "healthy enough" so I can realize my dreams.  But you know what?  I want to be HEALTHY and I want to realize my dreams.  I am a person who is passionate about WALKING and PRAYING & MEDITATING (who yells that??).  I like to think and write boring shit about my feelings.  I'm not fun.  AND I LIKE THAT.  I am fun - I'm awesome to have fun with - like go see a show or go shopping - but I am not - I don't party like that anymore.  I'm so fucking emotional right now.  It's fine - I'm okay but that visit really scared me and also showed me how lucky I am to be sober. I have so much work to do on myself still.  The first being able to take care of myself by setting my boundaries and learning to say no.  I got home tonight and I was like - okay - I am going to watch that episode and write on my blog.  So there you go I did.  I felt like I had so much more to say - so many more
profound things but who knows.  Here's the - whoa - distracted by a dog collar........not everyone wants to be on this path or is even interested in it.  It shocks me but also it's not fair for me to expect that.  For me though - this is the thing - this path is for me and I want to stay on it.  Kindness towards myself and others.  I can have compassion for me and compassion for others.  I am going to start with me tonight.  Me.  Yes - me.  I got McDonald's and I ate so much that I feel like one of those Zombies from The Walking Dead.  Okaaay.  I'm a sober Zombie.  Gross.  Haha - sober.  Holy FUCK - no wonder people say it's brave to be sober!!  Navigating ANY kind of relationship sober is SO fucking hard.  Okay - I'm going to put on a mud mask and go to bed.  I'm so grateful - I'm sosososososoooo grateful for the sober women in my life and for the chance of growth I have been given this weekend.  Now I just need a career, boyfriend, a baby and - what?  A pool membership?  If I get to keep praying & meditating in the morning - and going to meeting and learning to take care of myself and help others - I will have a surprise life and that is SO MUCH better than getting whatever it is I think I want.  Although I do want a boyfriend.  What?  I don't know - I'm fucking exhausted.  Bye Bluebers - I love you.