Guilt and other lies.

So I tried to help this woman recently in the program and it all culminated with me having to stay away from her because she wanted me to be a doormat for her.  The problem began because I said I would help her watch her cats and then next thing you know she wants me to vacuum her apartment while she's a t rehab.  Okay - listen - I was a drunk and I asked people to do the craziest shit for me and acted like a turd.  But the only reason she even felt like she could ask me that was I told her I felt badly for dumping her as a sponsee years ago.  So I was going to watch her cats from a place of guilt and that has never worked for me and this time is REALLY didn't work.  Here's the thing also - I wanted so much to be sober because I wanted to be a bigger part of my family - pay for more things, buy my nieces and nephews presents - pay for my own tickets home - all of that.  And I do.  Great.  But now - now I have to not be a doormat.  Which I'm not - no one has even asked me for anything.  I just thought of it and I'm writing it because I am at this job and bored out of my mind.  I feel like an animal at the zoo.  I am sitting here looking online, writing in my journal - looking at pictures of Norman Reedus - planning my month and people walk by slowly - stick their faces in the window - I pretend not to notice.....it's so awkward.  At least I am being so authentically nice when people come in - except to that woman.  She just asked where the nearest Starbuck's is - I told her and she repeated it back to me with an attitude and left without saying thank you.  I was like "You're welcome!!!"  Well - that was authentic too.  Guilt is such a lie.  What a terrible reason to do something.  Never again.  I can feel a small shift happening in me - a small place of power aligning back up.  I want to go back to school.  I really do.  At this moment I really do.  Okay - well - bye.