Compassion.

I just started to write a big long explanation for why I should and now and completely focusing on having compassion for myself but I erased that sentence and just wrote this.  I have thought to myself at least 35 times in the last 12 hours that "it's okay - of course I felt that way - did that - am this - it's okay - I can have compassion for myself."  It's so much healthier - so much more loving than beating up on myself or even having shame (same thing?) for any of my past thoughts and behaviors.  It's so much cleaner and it's so completely different than feeling sorry for myself.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  Jesus.  I got up today - I prayed & I meditated on the couch - which was HEAVEN and then I got ready for work, fed the dog, walked the dog and got to work almost on time.  I cleaned last night before I went to bed and I did all my laundry yesterday and I also bought myself some pretty new underwear.  Not TOO pretty so it's functional.  There's a gift of sobriety - I can buy myself underwear but it actually stays in place.  What?  Holy shit.  I am so grateful for this job that wakes me up and gets me clean & to a place with a nice computer to use.  I am just so aware today of what a gift this sobriety is.  I finally feel like I am starting to get sober.  For so long after I stopped using things I was still so NOT sober.  Okay - WOW - I say that so much lately - sober.  I really want a new job also.  Since I worked Sunday night this week I just had a completely different experience at the job (the comedy club) and I felt like a plant that has completely grown out of it's pot.  I feel like I am busting out of the pot and I am still trying to act like it's fine - the pot still fits.  I have so grown out of the place.  I so appreciate it but I just really saw on Sunday night how I WANT to move on now.  So I am going to do that.  I am going to work on that today.  Scary - so scary.  I need to put on make-up.  There's is something softer and kinder happening to me and it wasn't going to happen with my old sponsor.  And that's okay.  I mean - it's annoying and why didn't I do this sooner but that's not the point.  See?  I'm so much softer.  Ha - I just giggled.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.