What am I going to do?

I don't see any way out. I really don't. I have no idea what to do. Meditate? Really? Okay - um - go to meetings and feel uncomfortable? Okay? I just don't see the point of me living. I'm not doing a good job and it's not going to get any better. I have no health insurance, and no love. I guess the one thing I can say is that it's only for today. Just let it go. I will try and just not think about it. I really wanted to smoke pot last night and I really want to drink. I want to smoke pot the most. I'm poor. I'm a poor person and I can't get myself out of this. I also am - so desperate for human touch. It's so unhealthy. I guess I have to stop writing, this isn't helping either. I'm more suicidal and scared than ever. I just really won't be able to think or write my way out of this. I realized at work last night that so much of what I do is fear based. I just am always scared. Okay so what now I'm being hard on myself. I can't. Who cares. Today I can eat and well - I can write on here. I will just - let it all go. I give up. God doesn't want me to be a woman or even be happy. Or even to feel particularly alive. I don't know that that is totally true. A baby. I want a baby. I want love. I want to work somewhere safe and healthy and to - not feel suicidal. I got the dog to the vet and I paid my rent. I really don't know what else to say except that I am not okay. I am really not okay.