Once again so upset

and so assaulted by this fucking house and my horrible job. It smells like cigarettes and I never have any fun. I hate living here and I hate my job. I asked her to work the preshow, she asked someone else and then she asked me again to work ONLY I WAS SLEEPING and then she said nevermind. She just ignored my text. I don't even want to go in there. I am really once again not okay. This is such a fucking joke. IT's all such a fucking joke and so fucking pointless. I'm going to be 40 in a few months. I really am fucking suicidal again. It's only going to get worse who am I kidding? What a fucking joke. I am filled with rage and hate. I already cried today.