I just completely freaked out

and screamed and threw the pen at the door a bunch of times and scared the shit out of the dog. She hid under the bed. I wish that part didn't happen but I needed to freak out. I really am in a horrible place and I look and feel horrendous. I don't think it's crazy at all that I would rather be drinking. What's the fucking difference? I have no idea what I would tell me if I heard or saw me like this. I would say for sure not to act on this right now. I just really hate where I am and why wouldn't I? I work so hard all the time and rugs and alcohol are in my face and I can't seem to get myself out of where I and and I have no way other than this to express myself. And honestly these cigarettes can not help at all. It's so fucking ridiculous and it doesn't effect anyone here but me.