Wow

the show was great. We were a hit - everyone loved it. Of course I am focusing on the 2 people who didn't say anything to me and on the fact that I came home and watched the DVD and I look fat and like I am not performing well at all. Ugh - really? And I had SO much fun while we were performing!! I really did - it was a blast and the audience LOVED it - we got some applause breaks even. Or people were clapping anyway. And now NOW I am freaking out. I really am. I feel fat and gross and like my jealousy and envy is always going to get in the way of me being able to actually do what I want. For having performed ONE time in the last year I was great and WHY am I comparing myself to the other girl? She was so not being - anything other than a performer. She was great - I just feel so untalented. I feel like I came up with good ideas and she just got to be great - even thought that is all complete bullshit. SHE ADDED SO MUCH!! SO much. Fuck I am so fucking confused. I really am all twisted up. I wish that therapy was still tomorrow instead of Tuesday. I feel like I can't wait. I could have been way more animated while performing and I could have looked at the audience. But I didn't and who cares? I really enjoyed working with her and she was really brave and not a douche at all. This is just all my stuff - coming right the fuck up. On a separate note that fuckface brought his girlfriend and she was just - fuck I don't know what. She ignored me and I ignored her and I never said hi to him. What an awkward horrible situation. I wish I could move past my feelings - it all makes me so uncomfortable and seeing her and him makes me doubt myself in every way. It also reminds me of all the awful mistakes I made - all the pain I caused or was a part of. It's very ugly. Dear God it almost makes me crazy. If I had a gallon of ice cream I would eat it right now. It's awful. Larni was there and that was great although - I don't know. HE sent me a message and said I was a special person and I did not know what that meant at all. What is wrong with me? I feel like I can't fucking grow the fuck up - do what I want to do and just get over the past. I got so excited after we performed because I felt like I had FUN and it was healthy. I just have to calm down - relax. I drank too much soda, had nachos and pizza and pigs in a blanket AND a brownie. Last night I had cake and pizza and a tiny bit of soda. Of course I feel gross. Okay - tomorrow is a new day. Fucking AAAAAA this is so fucking hard. IT just is - I can't help it. I'm fighting the good mother fucking fight and I feel like I'm losing. FUCK. Bye Blueberry - till manana.