My brain is changing.

That's just all there is to it. DO you know what I realized? I owe that fuckface's girlfriend/fiance an apology. I really do. Maybe even him? No. I don't know - no - no I don't. Maybe I do. I actually feel bad. For years I have felt like a victim and now - suddenly I don't. I just feel badly for what happened. I have to say that I don't know how to deal with this. I talked to Her Lady Wonder and we did some work on it. I don't want to talk about it anymore except to say it's very true and well my brain in general is changing. My thought patterns are different now. Ugh - I just started crying. I keep crying. It might be too late Blueberry. For everything. What? I just mean as far as my career goes? I look awful. Someone posted a couple of pictures from the party and I had to untag myself. My teeth look yellow and I looked fat and my eyes and make-up made me look like a crack-head. I have no idea how to spell that. I just don't know. I wouldn't hire me and I don't know if I can get myself to a place where I'm actually healthy looking again. Okay in reality who cares it was a lame holiday party and no one cares. I just want to get my art off the ground again and I just want love in my life and I feel like the art chicken needs to come before the love egg. You know what I'm saying Blueberry? I had 2 coffees today and - whoa - 3 - haha - 3 coffees and 2 of them past 6. Sooooooooooooooooo - SOOOOOO it's 3:00 a.m. and I am wide awake. I watched Hot Fuzz and then I watched When In Rome. The latter made me laugh and cry, and Hot Fuzz just made me laugh. I really don't know. The pictures freaked me out. I was reminded of all the people who have told me that I don't look "amazing enough" or "like I'm trying at all." Ugh - all the people? Okay the one dead guy who is no longer at the comedy club I work at. Well because he is dead. But years ago he told me that I had something but that I needed to really amp it up. Come in like I owned the place - BE something. Get highlights. He told me to get highlights. I auditioned there to be a comedian. And he told me to get highlights. Now ten years later he is dead and I am a waitress at this place. And even though I totally got ready yesterday and I have been sober for a year and a half (okay 3 months) I still look like a crack-head and I definitely don't have highlights. In fact now my hair is even DARKER. HA!! What the fuck? I have to go to the holistic doctor tomorrow. I should say I GET to go. But I am worried because I ate the worst food at the party and had 3 sodas. I need to get my teeth whitened and get highlights. Ha - I will NEVER get my teeth whitened. And I like my hair dark. Ugh - I have no idea. I have an idea - I could quit drinking coffee and that would solve a whole LOT of problems. I saw Soft Hugger tonight. I could feel him before I saw him. I might be imagining that but I don't think so. He touched my arm as he walked by me and kind of put his whole hand on my upper arm and arm pit area?? It was so warm. So so warm. That's all. Why do I write these things? Why do I exist? That made me laugh. I miss making people laugh - it was so much fun last night and it was already forever ago. We are making another video this week and this time I'm going to be in it - not just filming. With clowns. Clowns scare the shit out of me. I won't have to act that. Maybe - maybe what? I need to get to the pool again. I'm going to take a shower and think more. I'm just going to keep thinking and going to therapy, going to meetings, doing what Her Lady Wonder tells me to do and now the Snake Doctor. Hmmm - maybe I will ask him what he wants his secret name to be. I'm going to brush more. I'm going to make a commitment to brushing EVERY night before bed. How sexy is THAT huh?? I have to make that commitment to myself? Chriiiissstt!!! Bye bye for now Bloggy Blog Blog.