Suddenly falling

into depression again. Last night at work was so lame - so awful. I really don't understand why. I just didn't make any money and it makes me think once again that the guy seating seats me awful people on purpose. I shouldn't have paid for my food or gotten food twice but I was hungry. I shouldn't have bought soda water but I love it. I'm so upset and am I really this upset about money? It just was a sucky night and that girl got to work the last show and she wasn't even supposed to be able to work. Christ I'm so upset and annoyed. Well okay so that's that. How long do I have to keep clawing my way through that place? It's fucking too hard. I make it all to hard somehow. And now I'm being hard on myself. Okay - here we go. It's going to be alright. I need to get to the bank so I can pay my bills that I pay. Great. And I need to walk the dog because I love her. I guess part off what is happening is that I feel like I should work tomorrow night if I can and then also - I don't know. I guess not do the show I planned to do tomorrow night and forget this whole thing. Spending money to perform and then just - ugh. I didn't just say anything. This all seems so foolish. I'm trapped. I feel trapped. Not good. I'm going to do those shows because that's what I want to do. I can't be at the mercy of this guy at work. If I'm not meant to make tons of money this weekend then so be it. No one really made money I guess last night - it was slow and lame. Ease up on myself. Once again this feels so mother fucking hard. I need to call my mother. I'm blaming him for a shitty night but in reality it was a sucky night. I also don't spend my money correctly. Okay - see - that's better.