Shows.

I got booked for a show - no big deal - I don't even think it pays but it made me cry I was so happy.  I was so happy to be getting back into the - I can't even say the swing of it - but to be at a beginning again.  Now I have to start working my ass off because I need this ball to roll and it's not going to if I drop it - what?  Yes - drop it.  I'm so tired.  I got up early and cleaned, walked - had friend over to help seal up my apartment to keep critters out.  It was really stressful and it only got partially done.  There's a fake drawer at the bottom of my closet - 2 fake drawers actually.  I mean - the are drawer doors that are there and there are not drawers inside - it's just empty weird space - except there's some papers in there.  One of the door has fallen off so you can see the papers inside.  She got completely obsessed with this and - well - it was a thing.  Then she noticed a - lump in the wooden floor boards and was more or less convinced that there's a dead body under my floor.  The floor is raised - but - listen - I'm the most sensitive, nervous person ever - but honestly - I just - I can't.  A dead body?  The weird part is that now it does look like such a lump in the floor - I can't believe I never noticed.  It does look like someone pulled up the floor boards and then put them back and then put screws in place.  I googled the guy who lived here before and he's a writer and he obviously left a novel in there.  She was looking at it with a flashlight and reading it and then she screamed and dropped the flash light and ran out into the hall and was all freaked out.  She said one of the papers moved.  I don't know - I think I'm thinking that being calm is a beautiful choice.  I went to a meeting and met a new friend there first.  I made ice tea today and came home after the meeting and made myself dinner and lunch for tomorrow and packed up the ice tea also.  Listen - it's really hard being around someone who is just freaked out all the time.  She's so beautiful too - and vibrant but she's - just like - her wires are poking out all over the place.  Her energy is just zipping out all over.  But that was me right?  Only WAY WAY WAY more angry.  She's sweet and funny - I really like her.  It makes me sad.  But it also made me want to just work a way better program.  That's all - I just want to be super sober.  HA.  But I do - super sober and SEXY.  What?  I love you Bluebie!!!!!

Hiya.

Woke up after working my ass off last night - 2 doubles in a row - prayed/meditated, walked in the park - now I'm getting ready to go meet my bestie who just got back from an amazing trip I can't wait to hear about.  I am awake in the world and I'm not drunk or high.  I miss my dog but I cried and kept walking.  I can pay my July rent now and I'm trying so hard to accept, stay present, be of service (STILL SO HARD), be kind to myself and be loving and gracious.  THAT'S ALL.  LORD HAVE MERCY I AM GROWING I THINK.  I have been taking the subway home and late night after work but I'm doing it to save money and be able to survive.  My money spending has changed so much.  This is the silver lining in having less money for sure.  Okay - I love you my Bluebie Blueb.  Have a lovely day in cyber land.

Why isn't anyone reading this anymore?

Is this boring now?  Am I boring?  Is it boring to be sober?  I don't know - maybe I need to move past this bog.  I t has been such a saving grace for me - I needed a creative outlet so badly but now I have more of them and my struggle isn't nearly as intense.  Maybe I just don't have enough to complain about.  HA-YEAH RIGHT.  I suppose I could just - what - I don't know - write more consistently.  Right now I am trying so badly to not make something happen that I want to have happen.  I didn't get a lot of scabs when I was a little kid but I picked at the ones I had.  I have had a zit on my chin that I have turned into a real problem picking at it.  I just - can't do that anymore.  I need growth in my life.  I don't think the kind of growth I want comes fro picking.  So I'm being really brave and not picking and not controlling.  OH MY GOD IT'S SO HARD.  I'm bored.  I should write comedy.  I'm at work - at the store and it's slow.  I'm getting better about bringing my own food and getting up earlier - so that's good.  This is so boring.  I just have to be patient - that's all.  I don't even know what to say - be patient?  WHO CAN DO THAT?  Fuck - I need to make something happen in my life - I need to move and GROW.  I didn't get sober to be bored did I??  Maybe I did.  Why don't I enjoy the boredom?  I just got so sleepy.  Love you Bluebie.

Lovely days, sad funeral, crazy Grandpa.

We had the funeral for the dog.  My sister picked flowers for her and my father had his farm hand dig a hole where a bunch of the other pets are buried by a lovely stone wall.  We then went to lunch and when we came back the farm hand had filled in the hoe, smashed the flowers and thrown them over the wall and a chicken laid an egg on top of the grave.  He doesn't speak English so much and my father said he told him to put MORE flowers on top of the grave and instead he just took the shovel and smashed the flowers my sister picked, scooped them up and threw them over the wall.  Nobody saw the chicken lay the egg but it sure did it.  It might have been a Guinea Hen because they lay their eggs in weird places.  My Grandpa is saying that my dead Grandma has been coming back to visit - but only during the day.  SO - so he's fine right?  I had such a lovely trip with my family and I got to see friends and go to meetings and COME ON - this is a MIRACLE right?  I still couldn't even take showers everyday 2 years ago - or even get to work without getting into a cab.  Now I can't pay my rent but I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AND I TAKE SHOWERS.  Ugh - I'm joking.  I can't pay my rent but it will happen.  I brought back flowers from the farm and plant cuttings and I was so sad to leave my sister and all the fresh air and sunshine.  I feel very blessed and it makes me so nervous to say that but I do.  I - what?  I forgot what I was going to say.  I had to take a shower right after the dog funeral and then I cried in there for 20 minutes.  I actually had to get on my hands and knees in the shower and pray - it hut too much.  But now I can visit her - and my cat, the other cat, the dogs and that egg the chicken left.  I'm boiling eggs I have to go.  I love you my Bluebie Blueb.

Dog ashes and a Date with a Guy with cancer.

I got the dog's ashes today.  I go to the vet and the guy tells me to hold on and then comes back with a fucking gift bag with a bow on it.  I'm not even fucking kidding you.  A gift bag that says "DOG REMAINS on it with her name and A FUCKING BOW.  I started laughing which is not what I was expecting to do - I mean fucking seriously?  I had to get a plastic bag to put it in because I just could not walk around with that.  Then I went on a date to a diner with a guy who has cancer.  Rectal cancer.  Do you know how I know that?  He told me - at least 7 times.  I just was sitting there at this diner with my dog in a bag next to me listening to this man talk about his rectal cancer and I just - was really okay actually.  NO - I was SO UPSET.  I think he is going to be fine this man actually - but he mentioned having sex with my friend who hooked us up and also told me about his affair with this famous model who he met at rehab.  COME ON.  He was nice - he bought me my tea - I just - I don't know - I wasn't attracted to him I don't think.  He wasn't really looking me in the eye and I kept thinking "Is this romantic?  I don't know - do I feel romantic right now?"  Life is so painful and awkward I swear to God.  I just - I guess I didn't feel magical there sitting in that diner with my dog's ashes and this ashen looking man.  Why did he have to say rectal?  SO MANY TIMES?  I saw an old friend at a meeting and HE was fun.  Holy shit!  We walked around - ugh - WHATEVER.  It's Friday night and do you know what I did?  I came home at 8:00 and changed out of my dress into A DIFFERENT dress and now I'm going to go do late night LAUNDRY.  WHAT THE FUCK??  Still - this is better than being alone and drinking - for sure.  For fucking SURE.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE - SO MUCH.

I'm so fucking self absorbed.

Did I eve spell that right?  WOW - I'm watching this show "Coupling" from the BBC and there's this one super self absorbed character and I think I'm her.  When they show her inner monologue it's "I, I  I, me,me me.  "Why don't I have a secret blog about how I help people or that I even WANT to?  I want to help the world - or be part of helping the world.  I want to want that anyway.  Holy shit I just got SO tired.  Bye.

Happiness.

When I went to dinner on Tuesday night with some new friends there was a beautiful Mom there - gorgeous.  She looked so good and FELT so good.  I asked her what her secret was and she said (and she didn't have plastic surgery as far as I could tell and I see a LOT of it) while laughing "I think I'm just happy!!"  It was so AMAZING.  It really was wonderful to hear and see - so simple.  So last night I went home after a meeting which was super weird and negative but I did it and I felt better afterwards.  I just cleaned up my apartment, talked to my sponsor and my sponsee, ate ice cream and potato chips and watched Angels In America - which is fucking amazing and I loved it.  I was crying at one point - I just miss the dog so much - I mean - I know - it's okay - but I do and I was crying and looking at myself in the mirror and I said "Maybe this is what makes me happy - maybe this is my happiness - being alone in an apartment that's decent with a hole over the ceiling in the shower but it's quiet and I have on comfortable clothes, I'm bleeding but I'm safe."  But I decided that that wasn't true.  I mean - listen - I'm a million times happier than I was but I don't think that moment of crying and looking at myself is my happy place - I was just relieved to have that horrible day over with.  And hello - the ice cream???  Come on - that made me happy!!!  What is my point?  I don't know - why am I writing this?  It's raining right now so no one is on the streets and no one is coming into the store - HALLELUJAH!!!  Jeez.  Am I live or am I Memorex?  Sooooo - okaaaayyyy - new day - alright!!  Let's do this.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.  YOU ARE THE BEST LISTENER I HAVE EVER WRITTEN.