Terrified and Tired.

I'm so tired.  Monday was okay except for the part where the Doctor said "Do You want to know what I think it is?" and I said yes and he said "Okay well I think it's cancer but you're going to be fine. Fiiine."  I was like I have got to get the fuck out of this place right now.  I of course got home and was super sad and googled a million things.  Then I went and ran a meeting thank God and did not sleep at all that night.  The nurse told me not to lose any sleep over it because you cant know anything until the biopsy results come back.  I of course thought I am going to lose all my sleep and I did.  Yesterday a friend got in touch with me and told me she had a similar situation - told her all the same things and then she was fine.  Twice this happened to her.  So I felt better after she said that and I went into the city to do our podcast - 2 of them actually and I was tired enough to sleep last night.  Today my boob finally hurts and it feels gross.  There is some weird little lump in there which I am convinced is the titanium marker they put in me.  It's a little breast cancer ribbon titanium marker in my boob.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  Ugh I got up today and went to an audition.  It was very easy and mild, ran almost exactly on time and I got right back on the train and came home.  Now I am so fucking tired!  I took a little nap but I feel like the suspense is fucking killing me and COME ON ALREADY CALL ME.  I'm still doing this diet!  I feel like if ever there was a time for me to eat well it's if I have cancer.  Did I mention I have PMS?  That just can't be helping anything.  Okay so I need to go back into the city for a couple of open mics and that's great.  I'm driving someone which makes me nervous but I already asked her if she's difficult in the car.  She assured me no and htat she is also not a backseat driver.  Haha she laughed but seriously I am not spending an hour in the car with someone freaking the fuck out no thanks.  NO THANKS.  I looked up what metaphysical reason causes breast cancer and it said BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER.  Gross.  I wish I was one of those people that could just be like I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS and then that's it.  Ugh why am I beating myself up?  This is terrifying and I know he was just being real with me but it sucks.  I should have said "No I don't want to know what you think!  Just tell me I'm fine byeeee."  I asked him if I should freak out and do you know what he said??  "Should you freak out?  Well I mean when someone tells you have cancer - you can freak out but you don't need to.  (Then he shut his eyes leaned back and said)  But you're gonna be fiiine."  THANK YOU SO MUCH.  Ugh okay.  I'm going to try to meditate before I go into the city.  Love you Bluebie bye.