Day 2867

Hi.  There's so much going on in my head.  I keep thinking about being the best me I can be and how to be the best me I can be.  I don't think I have ever thought that way before.  How to take of things.  How to take care of my life as if it were a child.  How would I do things differently then?  Or if it was my mother?  I know that sounds weird but I always think differently when it comes to my mother or children.  Anyway I'm up in the morning which is glorious.  I think one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is waking up in the morning, in the sunshine and not hung-over.  It is a glorious and beautiful thing.  I absolutely adore it.  Living here now I hear the birds and smell fresh cut grass which is also amazing.  It is definitely the little things that make sobriety wonderful.  Okay so I am so nervous about this big show on Wednesday and I am coming to some crazy conclusion about comedy which is that I am never going to be a comic.  I think.  I mean I could be - but only if I'm not an actor.  I can't do both.  I can't do both as my CAREER.  I can ACT and do SOME comedy or I can be a comedian and do SOME acting.  FOR ME.  I hate when people say that "FOR ME what works FOR ME"  haha.  ANYWAY.  I think that is what I am figuring out.  The guy keeps calling it my business plan - my business model.  Of which I have never really had one - not a real one and not a lasting one.  So crazy.  I guess I get a little nervous because he makes TEETH so what the fuck does he know about show business but he does HAVE a business.  Anyway I need to go for a walk and get some fresh air.  He has to go to court today again for his ex.  Ugh I am so nervous and sick about that too and last night I realized how sad this must be on some level for him.  He was married to her for A LONG ASS TIME.  He tried over and over in lots of ways to make it work and I'm guessing she did too.  Somehow anyway.  It's really sad.  I have lost many of my own loves and it sucks.  It more than sucks of course it's heartbreaking.  She just can't accept and she can't let herself grieve it I guess.  And who wants to do that?  Also this doesn't really have anything to do with me.  I mean I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for her to accept - me being in the picture - but this is their thing.  Her thing I guess.  Aw - I mean barf times so many millions.  I have been praying for her and I am going to keep doing that.  I also will have her arrested if she comes anywhere fucking near me but I will do it from a place of compassion.  Do I sound like I am full of shit?  I hope not.  Or if I do oh well.  I really do hope healing for her.  For anyone suffering like that.  For myself when I am crazy like that.  Gotta go live my life now.  Love you Bluebie bye.