Oh blech

I don't know what to say but that.  I feel supremely sorry for myself right now - between the stupid diet and going to the doctor today - I feel awful.  I haven't felt this way in a long time.  Years it feels like.  The sugar withdrawal is awful.  The doctor said all my lumps were fine but found something else that the mammogram picked up.  He is doing a biopsy on Monday and then is going to take "it" out - whatever the fuck "it" is.  I asked him if I should freak out or not.  He said even if it's cancerous it doesn't mean you have cancer.  You know what?  I laughed because that did not make me feel better at all and it wasn't an answer to my question.  I just feel depressed and kind of like Im dying.  I think I feel like Im dying ftom the sugar detox and this just threw me for a loop.  I think I would have gone and eaten my feelings after this today but I can't.  Im going to fry a banana.  I think that might be sugary and better.  Better?  Im fucking terrified.  I have such negative thoughts and feelings.  Is that what is stuck there in my breast?  Does my body hate life that much?  Am I that sick still - that I would get cancer?  I abused my body so much and was so upset for so many years.  Im going to fry a banana.  The nurse told me to not go online.  Im allowed to be upset right?  Yes.  Monday feels like 47 years from now.  Am I going to be 47?  I hope so.  I have been home since like 2:30.  I just couldn't leave or do anything.  I don't have any money and it was so fucking hot.  Im allowed to not feel good.  Im going to fry that banana now.  Okay well good for me - Im sitting here watching New Girl from the beginning and feeling sorry for myself.  Okay!  Game on.  The guy is at alanon.  Im going to go now love you Bluebie bye.