A Lump and the Whole 30

I'm writing this on my notes pad on my phone because we are at the beach and I can't get online. I went to the gynocologist on Friday and she found a lump in my breast. I have an ultrasound and a mammogram for Tuesday morning. I got in my car afterwards and cried and promptly thought how bizarre it is to be so upset about possibly dying when I know I'm going to die one day. I just can't stand the thought of hurting my mother - that was my next thought. I started doing the Whole 30 diet that day - having nothing to do with the doctors visit - and so I sort of lost myself in grocery shopping and researching for that. Yesterday I put a castor oil pack on my breast and researched breast cancer. Then I almost as quickly stopped researching it and just looked up holistic ways to heal in the case of such awful news. Anyway. The beach is absolute heaven right now. The guy is running and I'm just sitting here with my legs spread getting some good old American sunshine on my cooch.  It's breezy and in the 80's amazing. I was having some awful withdrawal last night from the diet. It's no dairy, sugar, grains or fun. Haha you can have fun you just can't EAT anything fun.  I slept a lot and today I'm a bit better and the beach is helping tremendously. I have an audition tomorrow so I need to get myself ready for that. I just sneezed like 10 times and smelled the beach for the first time. Oh my God is there a better smell in the world? Seaweed, sand and salt water. And sunshine - I swear I can smell the sunshine now. I have to say that as soon as I stopped crying on Friday after the doctor I thought how grateful I am that I'm sober. It didn't make me want to drink although I did later in the day wonder if I would get to smoke pot. Soooooo yeah great I'm already dying in my head. Anywhoooo I need to lay down and tan the back of my legs that never ever seem to want to tan. Love you Bluebie bye.