I didn't make it the 2 days.

I was SO exhausted and felt SO gross yesterday when I was done - and I felt physically ill the entire time I was there.  Am I being dramatic?  PROBABLY.  Did it feel very, very, VERY real??  Yes.  Restaurants are abusive - I don't know why.  It's the most basic need on earth (food) - besides water and love.  Look - there are SO nice there and try so hard to be good.  But it's just too much and I'm in a bad place - I'm grieving my father and I'm raw and have nothing left to give.  So.  So I told them I'm not coming on Sunday and they were NOT happy about it - but oh well.  So.  So now - I just went for a walk - here around the neighborhood.  It's beautiful and sunny out.  I had an audition in the city and then I had something else I had to tape myself for.  And so I thought to myself - well Monday is the first day of my new job - HERE in my office - right?  Only I never come in here.  So I thought again to myself - drag your ass in there (here) with your computer and write on your damn blog!  So I did.  It's crazy how much more painful the grief of my Father dying has gotten.  I miss him.  It's so sad.  I feel sick.  And I feel o fucking guilty about not going to that job.  But also - I'm so done.  I feel so, so SO horrible when I leave.  It really is like an addiction.  I feel gross while I'm there, I eat shit I would never be eating (most likely), I get swollen, I feel bad about myself, I'm ashamed for some reason, I let people treat me terribly because I want their money (drugs or alcohol), I'm filled with rage and I always, always ALWAYS say I will never do this again.  THEN I GO RIGHT BACK.  TOTAL FUCKING INSANITY!!  Well anyway it's a new chapter.  That's it!  It really is.  It's nice to write in here.  It's quiet and feels nice.  There's a pretty orange rug and all my books.  So my beautiful man is giving me this opportunity and I'm going to do my best.  HOLY FUCK.  HOLY FUCKING FUCK.  YIKES.  HOLY FUCKING YIKES!  Okay I have to go love you Bluebie bye!