Today.

My anniversary is 10 days away.  I'm good and crazy but - I guess I'm more sad than anything.  Ugh - it's just my father dying is like this low grade sadness under everything.  It makes me sick.  I miss him so much and then also all these memories keep coming up - some of them not good at all.  I keep trying to just say "okay - okay bad memory but I forgive and he was human and I don't care anyway - he loved me and I loved him."  It's a mess.  In my head.  I went back to therapy today though and for 15 minutes afterwards I felt okay.  I've been busy getting myself together here at the house and doing all my stuff.  What?  That sounded like bullshit.  Alright - anyway.  I published an article and that feels like the most exciting thing in the world ever.  I want to do voice overs also.  What else?  Part of what I want to do is write more and I have been writing more on here and in my journal but does that count as writing?  I don't quite think so.  I want to write more comedy but I am the AFRAID word.  I am AFRAID to write more comedy.  BUT WHY?  Because I might not be funny?  Because it hurts?  Does it hurt to write?  Yes - yes it does.  UGH - CHRIST ALL-FUCKING-MIGHTY.  It's so fucking hot.  It has to be 95 degrees and it's 7:15.  It's also so humid.  Maybe it's just hot I don't know.  I wish I could dust my brain.  Just get in there and DUST it - pull out some weeds - pull out some dead leaves - just give it a good feng shuing.  Just land scape that mother fucker a little bit.  OKAY.  SO.  I auditioned for a 54 year old heavy set woman yesterday and it did not go well.  I have to say - why did I GO?  I need boundaries and I need to say whether or not something is worth my time.  WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I'm going to suggest to myself right at this moment that I had too much coffee.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.