So lonely now too.

Ouch. I went to a really great meeting tonight and the speaker was awesome and after I left I was like "Oh - I like him now - he's great - oh yeah - woo-hoo ohhh!!" Meanwhile inside my body I was like - "Umm - why does this feel like a bad idea??" Jesus - I'm still such a mess and so desperate. I DO like this guy - he's my FRIEND and I never like his breath so what the fuck??? Plus he has NEVER acted like that towards me. Christ. I swear. How am I going to go to work this weekend? I'm so tired and I overate for like 2 weeks now. Not all the time. Not all the time at all. Look I really don't know if I'm getting better or if I'm doing the right thing or if my life will ever really change or if I will ever find profound happiness and love. But I don't know what else to do. I just have to trust that this is the right thing to do. I'm so fucking tired and I feel like I broke myself AND I also feel like I can't see where I'm going or where I'm even supposed to BE going. What?? Exactly. I need to shower and do some yoga. Yoga?? Sure why not? Fat yoga we'll call it. I feel something inside me growing. It's either a love I have never known or insanity. Either way it feels pleasant. I need some sleep. Please God don't let someone wake me up with a bizarre instrument or that people eating washing machine. Goodnight Blueberry.