Compared to this time last year

things are much better. I have this blog and I have been getting onstage consistently. I went and saw my best friend this weekend and I saw my parents also. I am starting to pay off old bills and I pay my current bills on time. I also am in much better shape and I have a clean room and eat much healthier than I used to. I am trying to not be negative. However this weekend was really hard for many reasons and yesterday just got worse and worse even though I kept doing things to take care of myself and showing up where I planned to show up. I feel like I have a lot of selfish people in my life and I also feel like it is so fucking hard for me to take care of myself. I don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to do in this life. I am so totally unsure where I fit in or how to find happiness. Bliss. Awe and wonder. Forget about a boyfriend - haaa - big sigh. Especially because what I really mean is a husband. Fuck. I need to take a shower and go to a meeting, go grocery shopping and get a voice recorder and figure out how the fuck to get onstage at better places where I am inspired and feel like I fit in better. I also need to write. What happened to that? It would have been better last night if I wrote. Well this to shall pass. I'm in a lot of inner pain. Really?? So is everyone. Ouch.