Holyyyy shiiiitttt

I have fallen and I can't seem to get up. What the fuck? I'm a mess - depressed. Okay - I'm no that bad - I'm not. I'm sort of okay. I stayed home tonight and I got Chinese food and watched 2 movies. I'm - just - I'm off myself. My routine was changed this week and I guess that upsets me. I also have this sponsee who just keeps drinking. It's awful and I really can't take it anymore. Well I also gained 5 pounds or so and I feel gross. After I ate my breakfast today it felt like fire was moving through me. I had to lie down for a painful hour. But have I prayed? No. Meditated? No. Felt sorry for myself? Yes. Regretted the past and present? Yes. Did either of those last 2 things help? No. Right. I was feeling so much better physically a few weeks ago and I got scared. I felt better and I got scared. Am I that big of a pussy? Really? I guess I must be. I've been here before and I get it. Eat food, feel bad for myself, and then write on here about it. Or worse - don't. That I get also. Fuuuuuuccck. FUCK. FUUUUCCCKKKK. I found a lump under my belly button. It's kind of a big lump and there is also a bruise. What the fuck is that? Maybe I ran into something at work? I will ask the doctor on Wednesday. I'm supposed to meet my cousin tomorrow and I don't want to. I want to go to my meeting. I just am - off that's all. I had a bad day and I never really got myself out of it. That's just the truth. I'm going to do my hair and nails and I have an eye appointment tomorrow. You know what? I'm might just do my nails. Do my hair tomorrow night. Yes. Acceptance is so hard. Especially when I am hard wired to beat the SHIT out of myself at every turn.