Now I am in a panic

Why?? I'm not sure - is it because I took another glorious shower and lotioned myself and I flossed?? Is it to much self-care?? How am I going to take care of myself when I'm old? Do I need to have a baby - RIGHT NOW or I will never have one and how will I do that and I don't want to push a baby out my vagina. I don't - I'm a bad person becasue of that aren't I? I love babies - I love children - I'm freaking out. I am worried about money and the future and and AND FUUUUUUuuuuucccCCCKKK. Now I also feeli like I'm writing on here too much!! Can you imagine. For crying out loud. I'm so hard onmyself and for the love of God I don't know what I really want. Except I do want a boyfriend. A really nice, cute, sweet, quiet boyfriend. Who is totally okay with me being a tiny bit up and down in the emotion department. Fuck - this is so hard. And perhaps this is where me stopping drinking coffee will help. I keep looking at other people - other people's lives and being sad that I'mnot part of it. Really? Why is it so hard for me to just be with myself now and breathe? I just realaxed and the thought that came to me was - relaxing is better and - okay - it feels better to be calm. The answers will come when they are supposed to. PANIC!!!!!!! I need rest. Please blog if you have any power at all - help me to help myself and mostly to love myself. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay blueberry blog - it is.