Pen of God. Ugh.

I want to be the pen of God.  Just feel God come right out of my heart, through my arm and out the pen.  I was going to say head.  That's my big problem - my head.  My heart feels like a frozen rock in my center.  I am a little frazzled to say the least.  I'm freaking out worried about my future and I feel - worried.  I was all gung ho to apply to schools but something felt so wrong - so panicky - so the way I feel when I HAVE to have some item of clothing like it's going to complete me.  I made myself this big meal yesterday when I got back here - I caramelized red onions, made refried beans and a sharp cheddar omelet.  I ate it all and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours.  Say what?  I had this crazy dream about putting a severed head out in my old back yard - not like old where I grew up but old - like it was old - really ancient.  I had forgotten it was there this back yard.  I put the severed head in what looked like an outdoor fire pit that wasn't in use and next to it was a heart.  As I walked away this head was looking at me - seemingly trying to tell me something.  I thought it strange that there was a heart also because I didn't remember putting it there.  I climbed up these reaaaaaly old stone steps with leaves all over them and twigs - steps that seemed unused you know?  Then I went into my apartment and felt like I was trying to act like it wasn't completely wrong that I just left a severed head out back.  My apartment had sliding glass doors and I could see my neighbor smoking.  I believe that part of the dream was just someone smoking.  So after freaking out when
I woke up and doing a little research I realized I'm thinking with my head and not my heart.  My heart is so frozen.  Ha - I'm not really laughing but I wrote that and that Madonna song came into my head.  When I prayed this morning one of my daily reader books said one has no right to get in the way of the growth of another OR ourselves.  Well - there you go.  I just - okay - wow.  The comedy club was so sad last night.  I can work on my resume.  I can do that and get myself another job.  Right?  I just want to write.  A lot.  Be the pen of God.  The actress of God.  Ew - that sounds so gay.  Gross.  I need to go for a walk.  Okay - bye.

Thanksgiving 2012.

This is my fourth Thanksgiving sober.  I went to bed early last night and went for a walk along the river with my friend.  I helped do dishes for my mother and I took a nap with my dog.  I also took pictures of my cousin, her husband, her baby and my dog for their Christmas card.  They use my dog every year for their photo.  So.  So I'm a little sad.  Why don't I want to go to school for acting?  Why can't I just act?  Why can't I do comedy?  I just can't get out there every night.  It's so wonderful being here on the farm and hearing my parents tell stories and the baby is so cute but I feel displaced.  NO family of my own.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm so lucky to have this family - MY family and we are going to my brother's today and - I'm just sad.  Maybe the coffee isn't strong enough here.  I came back from my walk and had a cup of coffee and fell asleep for half an hour.  I just want something to wake up for - to work towards - to put my passion in.  I also really want to take care of myself and time is running out fast.  I need to prepare for my future and I don't think the 140 dollars I have in my savings account is enough.  WHICH IS A MIRACLE by the way.  Why do I write all this down?  I write in my journal - write on here - I have notes all over the place but I don't have something I can SELL.  I don't have - my creative people.  I have my program people - thank God - thank you thank you for that.  I need my creative people.  I thought it was comedy - it was - there was a while there - they were - they were my creative people.  I need to get inspired - I need an idea.  Or I need a to DO one of my ideas.  What do you think of the Gay & Breakfast?  A show - ugh- see - I just got tired.  I'm showered - I have on make-up - another miracle.  The first year I came here for Thanksgiving in sobriety - I smelled so weird on the train.  I got up to get off the train in the city and I smelled so weird - I was detoxing.  Now - now I am not.  I can put myself to sleep early and wake up and help.  Now please Dear Lord - give me back my art.  I need to access the vein again.  I have one month if I want to apply to schools.  One month.  Oh my.  Okay - I need to eat a turkey leg.  I love you Bluebers.

Guilt and other lies.

So I tried to help this woman recently in the program and it all culminated with me having to stay away from her because she wanted me to be a doormat for her.  The problem began because I said I would help her watch her cats and then next thing you know she wants me to vacuum her apartment while she's a t rehab.  Okay - listen - I was a drunk and I asked people to do the craziest shit for me and acted like a turd.  But the only reason she even felt like she could ask me that was I told her I felt badly for dumping her as a sponsee years ago.  So I was going to watch her cats from a place of guilt and that has never worked for me and this time is REALLY didn't work.  Here's the thing also - I wanted so much to be sober because I wanted to be a bigger part of my family - pay for more things, buy my nieces and nephews presents - pay for my own tickets home - all of that.  And I do.  Great.  But now - now I have to not be a doormat.  Which I'm not - no one has even asked me for anything.  I just thought of it and I'm writing it because I am at this job and bored out of my mind.  I feel like an animal at the zoo.  I am sitting here looking online, writing in my journal - looking at pictures of Norman Reedus - planning my month and people walk by slowly - stick their faces in the window - I pretend not to notice.....it's so awkward.  At least I am being so authentically nice when people come in - except to that woman.  She just asked where the nearest Starbuck's is - I told her and she repeated it back to me with an attitude and left without saying thank you.  I was like "You're welcome!!!"  Well - that was authentic too.  Guilt is such a lie.  What a terrible reason to do something.  Never again.  I can feel a small shift happening in me - a small place of power aligning back up.  I want to go back to school.  I really do.  At this moment I really do.  Okay - well - bye.

Compassion.

I just started to write a big long explanation for why I should and now and completely focusing on having compassion for myself but I erased that sentence and just wrote this.  I have thought to myself at least 35 times in the last 12 hours that "it's okay - of course I felt that way - did that - am this - it's okay - I can have compassion for myself."  It's so much healthier - so much more loving than beating up on myself or even having shame (same thing?) for any of my past thoughts and behaviors.  It's so much cleaner and it's so completely different than feeling sorry for myself.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  Jesus.  I got up today - I prayed & I meditated on the couch - which was HEAVEN and then I got ready for work, fed the dog, walked the dog and got to work almost on time.  I cleaned last night before I went to bed and I did all my laundry yesterday and I also bought myself some pretty new underwear.  Not TOO pretty so it's functional.  There's a gift of sobriety - I can buy myself underwear but it actually stays in place.  What?  Holy shit.  I am so grateful for this job that wakes me up and gets me clean & to a place with a nice computer to use.  I am just so aware today of what a gift this sobriety is.  I finally feel like I am starting to get sober.  For so long after I stopped using things I was still so NOT sober.  Okay - WOW - I say that so much lately - sober.  I really want a new job also.  Since I worked Sunday night this week I just had a completely different experience at the job (the comedy club) and I felt like a plant that has completely grown out of it's pot.  I feel like I am busting out of the pot and I am still trying to act like it's fine - the pot still fits.  I have so grown out of the place.  I so appreciate it but I just really saw on Sunday night how I WANT to move on now.  So I am going to do that.  I am going to work on that today.  Scary - so scary.  I need to put on make-up.  There's is something softer and kinder happening to me and it wasn't going to happen with my old sponsor.  And that's okay.  I mean - it's annoying and why didn't I do this sooner but that's not the point.  See?  I'm so much softer.  Ha - I just giggled.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.

The path.

I'm crying right now - I'm so tired - I just finished watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead and I had a crazy emotional weekend.  I had a visitor who didn't know I was sober.  The last time she came to stay with me here in the city I was drinking.  I was drinking and doing tons of comedy and I was way more fabulous.  I guess.  I mean - on the outside maybe.  Here's the thing - here's the real thing.  I'm on this path - I'm on this path that I always wanted to be on.  One where I would be able to actually hear myself - and be healthy.  I thought this morning how I want to be "healthy enough" so I can realize my dreams.  But you know what?  I want to be HEALTHY and I want to realize my dreams.  I am a person who is passionate about WALKING and PRAYING & MEDITATING (who yells that??).  I like to think and write boring shit about my feelings.  I'm not fun.  AND I LIKE THAT.  I am fun - I'm awesome to have fun with - like go see a show or go shopping - but I am not - I don't party like that anymore.  I'm so fucking emotional right now.  It's fine - I'm okay but that visit really scared me and also showed me how lucky I am to be sober. I have so much work to do on myself still.  The first being able to take care of myself by setting my boundaries and learning to say no.  I got home tonight and I was like - okay - I am going to watch that episode and write on my blog.  So there you go I did.  I felt like I had so much more to say - so many more
profound things but who knows.  Here's the - whoa - distracted by a dog collar........not everyone wants to be on this path or is even interested in it.  It shocks me but also it's not fair for me to expect that.  For me though - this is the thing - this path is for me and I want to stay on it.  Kindness towards myself and others.  I can have compassion for me and compassion for others.  I am going to start with me tonight.  Me.  Yes - me.  I got McDonald's and I ate so much that I feel like one of those Zombies from The Walking Dead.  Okaaay.  I'm a sober Zombie.  Gross.  Haha - sober.  Holy FUCK - no wonder people say it's brave to be sober!!  Navigating ANY kind of relationship sober is SO fucking hard.  Okay - I'm going to put on a mud mask and go to bed.  I'm so grateful - I'm sosososososoooo grateful for the sober women in my life and for the chance of growth I have been given this weekend.  Now I just need a career, boyfriend, a baby and - what?  A pool membership?  If I get to keep praying & meditating in the morning - and going to meeting and learning to take care of myself and help others - I will have a surprise life and that is SO MUCH better than getting whatever it is I think I want.  Although I do want a boyfriend.  What?  I don't know - I'm fucking exhausted.  Bye Bluebers - I love you.

WOW - just WOW.

I saw Grace on Broadway last night and it blew me away.  My date?  Not so much - she slept - hard through the first hour.  Hilarious.  I had google the show after my friend told me about it (she had a life changing experience via it) and there is a Wikipedia page about a play called Grace - but not the one I saw!!!  I kept waiting for the actors to change into other people and for the plot to change into the one I though it was going to be.  Someone also puked all over people down near the front and that was very chaotic but overall it was mind blowing and Michael Shannon is such a gifted actor.  They all are but WOW - he blew me away.  WOWOWOWOWOW - so beautiful.  To be able to express yourself like that - so authentically.  Cleanly.  Cleanly isn't the right word but it really was.  Gorgeous.  In a beautiful 100 year old theater.  That is when I love it here so much.  The magic of a  beautiful show in a beautiful place.  I got home and they had fixed the water damage, put in a fire alarm and put up whatever that stuff is called along the floor?  What is it called?  Well it covered up one mouse hole and has taken away the cat pee smell of the previous tenant.  Ah - I found it - baseboard molding.  Seriously - how fucking amazing is that?  I have to say the dog seemed a liiiitle freaked out but she was okay.  They had assured me they would be careful of her.  There is a gash in the floor that wasn't there but honestly - who cares?  So this time - this apartment - there was water damage and I asked them to fix it and they did.  I never wanted Creepy to fix the water damage in my room because I couldn't handle him working in there for however many days it would take.  So bizarre.  One day and done.  It's not perfect and I am going to have to clean my ass off tomorrow - for sure.  I just got so sleepy.  What was I doing this time last year?  Well I wrote on here - I was in an okay place - I sounded a little manic but that's okay.  To be fair Creepy would have fixed my room but sometimes when he would fix things it would take him weeks because he would get high in the middle of it - fuck it all up and lose focus.  Anyway my rent never went up either.  Oh dear - I'm so grateful I don't live there anymore.  More growth forward.  House guest tomorrow!  Another chance to get it all clean and ready!  I wish I had stools and a couch without mice in it.  Ha - gross.  Or cute!?  Maybe it's cute to have a mouse nest in my couch.  I'm pretty sure the only people that think like that are those ladies in that movie Grey Gardens.  GROOOOOWTHHH.  My morning readings said to move towards what is light and easy.  To go towards the light.  Um - that sounds scary with this creepy song playing on the radio.  Love to you Bluebie.

Sooo - my riveting life continues.....

the porter - oh my - what should I call him - the Super's odd helper - they call hima porter - I will call him Vladimir - Vladimir came and fixed the leaking radiator.  He came reaaally early in the morning on Friday and I was still sleeping.  I answer the clothes and Vladimir - who is missing his four front teeth and reeks of cigarette smoke AND is hairy from head to toe, little and skinny while also being very nice except he always stares at my crotch - I'm not even kidding - he walks right into my apartment and says "Oh I'm here to fix the radiator!!  Don't worry - get back in the bed - go get back in the bed!!"  I was like - "Ohhh - ohh it's okay."  He FINALLY 3 hours later fixed it and had to come in and out of my apartment 5 times and everytime he came back he was like "Honey I'm home!!!"  Jesus.  Now I need the ceiling fixed and I think I just want him/them - whatever/whoever - to do it when I'm not there.  Last night I was coming home and I had on my glasses which meant I couldn't really see anything and all of a sudden someone was reaching for me and it was Vladimir.  He was laughing and joking and put up his hand for a high five and I have to say (oh he also looked at my crotch - twice) it is so wonderful that he is helpful but also - I don't know - I'm sort of creeped out.  He is nice but - um - what the fuck?  I also don't understand why he is always doing stuff for the building - it's confusing.  Maybe if he had teeth and didn't stare at my crotch all the time.  I feel like BOOBS would be better.  Isn't that terrible?  Can't a guy not have teeth and be a crotch starer without being creepy?  Is that even possible?  Well the exterminator came also and he was GREAT and guess what??  I CAUGHT A MOUSE IN MY OWN TRAP!!!  I'm a mouse killer.  I decided I'm going to pretend they are Zombie mice and then I feel less terrible about killing them.  The exterminator came in and I told him that the mice weren't getting caught in my traps and he said "Doesn't look like it to me!"  And there it was - a dead mouse in a trap!  Amazing.  I have to go and look on Facebook more.  Bye Bluebers.