Staying in myself.....

It's the hardest thing.  I don't feel well - I am being thrown around hormonally from the sudden menopause - my body is very different from the treatment and the hormonal change and it's so uncomfortable and sad.  It's also shocking.  It's so different and I really wasn't expecting this and it happening so quickly is jarring.  I'm not working with the kids right now and I miss them and I do not have any money.  That is upsetting but my guy has been giving me some money and has been covering my bills thank God - and I recognize that that sounds awesome but I have such a feeling of deprivation - of heaviness - of just not being nourished.  But it isn't nourishment I am lacking - it is the rush I get when I get even a little bit of money.  If someone gave me $200 right now I would exhale and go buy something and feel GREAT.  I am well into my mid-life right now - I need a LOT more than $200.  I need a steady flow of money blah blah a career - okay.  Fine and yes.  But that won't change this.  I think I used to help this feeling by eating muffins but I can't do that anymore - it makes me feel bloated and awful and I honestly can't imagine what this Summer would have been like if I was eating French fries and muffins.  Delicious muffins and French fries.  I want comfort and where I have looked for comfort as far as food goes and money - isn't working anymore.  Wait the money thing would work but I am doing something different now.  I am waiting to find the right job and I am not being desperate.  Which is so fucking hard and when I tell you I am so fucking uncomfortable I mean it.  It's like when I first got sober.  Fuck.  So it's fine - I have food - I have enough money to pay my bills and I'm safe.  It's crazy to me that this is the feeling that has been under all this.  I thought it was anger but it's this deprivation.  I guess it's both.  I am taking care of myself though.  I went to therapy yesterday and I ate healthy all day - drank lots of water.  I don't feel well.  I also did something yesterday than I know better to do when I don't feel well.  And it felt awful and I am still trying to recover from it.  I couldn't sleep - it hurt me but what hurts the most is that I did it even though I know from many past experiences that if I don't feel well that this thing will make me feel even worse.  I did it anyway.  I guess now that I am writing this that I didn't realize how not well I felt so maybe it wasn't conscious?  I just wasn't totally thinking.  Which is fine I'm human - even that sounds harsh on myself - the thing is that I am not in a great place and I made a mistake and I am still upset about it.  I did wake up super early though and was able to meditate today before I go to my meeting and that helped tremendously - seriously.  I calmed down quite a bit.  So anyway it's a beautiful day and I want to enjoy it.  I am alive and I want to soak it in and be in myself and really give myself a chance.  Who knew I was such a fighter?  The thing is though is that I also need to be a yielder.  There is this crazy woman at my meeting today...she has genius eyeballs and when she shares it's so compelling.  But she is AWFUL.  I can NOT talk to her - I feel like I am going to projectile vomit when I have more than 2 polite sentences with her.  My friend said the best way to deal with her is to just not communicate with her - I think she said have nothing to do with her.  So that is what I do - I am polite but I try to have as little to do with her as possible.  I YIELD.  I have to - she is just waiting to suck the fucking LIFE out of someone.  I'm not saying she's conscious of it - but she's doing it!  So.  So I can fight but also I can yield.  That's what the Tao says - victory will go to the one who yields.  FUCK!  How annoying is that?  But I will practice it - byeeeeeee!