Back in bed.....

I don't feel well.  I haven't been sleeping - God it's awful.  I also feel very run down and like I'm fighting off a cold.  For days now.  So this morning I got up and prayed & meditated then ate a super healthy breakfast.  But just now I took my vitamins and instantly felt so gross so I just got back in bed with my laptop.  I'm also super sad.  So a lot is coming through me.  I miss the kids and it's hard not seeing them - so that has been hard.  I mean what can I do - they are grown-up now and I can't only work 6 hours a week in the Fall - I need more money.  It's a healthy moving on but I'm still so sad and I miss them.  I had a job yesterday and I got so tired when I was there - I almost asked to lay down....and maybe I should have....but anyway I just felt so confused this morning about what I was feeling yesterday and I had this awareness.....when I do stuff and someone says I'm awesome - I think - I'm awesome.  Then I do something they don't like and they are annoyed and I think - I'm annoying & I suck.  Which obviously is a very codependent way to be but this is what else I realized this morning....I have had these different people in my life over the years who say "You are a great friend!"  So I think "Oh!  I am a great friend!"  Then they say the opposite.  Then I think the opposite.  So on and so forth.  So blah blah true/not true I don't fucking know but this is what is true - I GET TO DECIDE HOW I FEEL.  I am the one who gets to decide whether or not so and so is a good friend and whether or not they are in my life.  I am starting to lose the thread because I am so angry.  When I turn it all over like that I also suffer because I realized this morning that these people said "You are this or that" to me and it was always so confusing because it always felt random and I didn't really understand what was happening and that's because it was just all about them.  And that has been a million examples of me just standing by while someone else decided what I was, I believed it, got yanked around and when I asked for some emotional support they weren't there because I was just a fucking prop in their narrative.  Okay so I said I don't feel well & I am not saying these people are consciously doing this and also I know I am not a victim of other people.  This is something I have participated in many times, with many people in many jobs over the years.  It's so gross.  No wonder I feel sick.  It's coming to the surface.  Like pus.  How the fuck am I going to get to therapy today?  My stomach hurts, my head hurts and I am exhausted.  So this is the real question......how do I stay in myself?  How do I protect myself while still participating fully in life?  I am my responsibility and people will & can do whatever they want and they can say whatever they want.  My therapist calls it having insulation.  I'm just going to rest for a minute then get in the shower and get there somehow.  If ever there was a time for me to get there it's now.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I can learn how to take care of & protect myself - inside & outside.  I can do this.  I say that all day long - I can do this.  And I can - I can do this.  Love you Bluebie byeeee Blue can do this lol