I Know This Much Is True....

Have you ever read that book?  Its amazing - its painful to read but wow - so so good.  I read it when I was still drinking...I don't know why I read it but it really effected me.  Affected me?  I don't know and I don't care.  I loved it.  Someone sent me an audition notice for it and I went back and read about the book and it made me cry.  It was a really sad book but somehow - it turned out okay.  And now I'm crying again.  I'm so tired and God it's been hard lately.  I think it's because I am coming up on 10 years.  10 fucking years.  So much of my family died, my dog, my cat and I fucking had cancer.  But I'm okay.  I'm allowed to cry and I'm allowed to feel sad.  But I will tell you this - I will tell you that I Know This Much Is True and it's this......I will never get the love & kindness - consistently or even when I ask for it but certainly when I just expect it - from super self-centered people.  God that's painful to write.  I had to end a friendship because of that and actually 2 of them!  It is so painful to be in a relationship where the other person pulls but doesn't give & they don't even know it.  It's such a mind fuck. But we are all on our paths and doing the best we can.  I am doing the best I can.  I just feel so tired & like 100 years old all of a sudden.  It's okay - this has been a good day.  It has gone by nice & slow.  I just ate the hugest, most delicious salad.  I am getting myself together and I have so much to do but I am going to rest & take care of myself.  I'm really uncomfortable but I have help.  I have tools.  I have options and I have a network.  Well.  Okay.  So this was really cheerful and uplifting!  I'm going to finish putting my Winter clothes away since it's 95 degrees.  I'm going to try to write more.  I always feel better when I do.  Like exercising.  holy fuck I just got so hot - I unplugged the AC to write on this and now I am about to explode from the heat.  OKAY - well I love you Bluebie.  When I got 5 years I thought I was going to lose my mind - it was so awful - I felt sad for weeks before but then I felt so much better.  I will feel better.  Bye!