That's it. That's addiction. For me anyway. Something makes me feel better and I get relief and then - I WANT MORE. Then it becomes a monster that I can't control and it starts to kill me. Alcohol, drugs, food, men, money - pistachios - doesn't matter. So. So there you go. Good news - I have a solution at least for today - and THAT - makes me exhale for real. In what feels very healthy or at least loving and when I am active in some way - I am not in the loving. Jesus - LONG SLOW RECOVERY is right. That's where I'm at. Okay so here's what made me realize this this morning.....
I'm running out of vitamins. I am in a panic because I am still recovering from treatment and taking these vitamins and supplements helps me but not to the extent that I need to charge them or ugh I hope I can articulate this - I just can't get myself into this position again where I can't afford things and I am in a state of deprivation and panic. If I go and charge those vitamins - which feels wrong - I will feel better but it won't fix the problem. And the problem is that I don't make enough money right now. Okay but also - here's the other problem....if a Band-Aid will fix me momentarily there is a sore underneath - and when does that get fixed if I keep putting a Band-Aid on? So I just am realizing that (and I guess this is a very obvious thing having to do with any addiction) if I don't feel good and I do something unhealthy to make myself feel better - something unhealthy - something addictive in nature - then I still don't feel good. I still have the dis-ease. The symptom feels better but not the real issue underneath. The nature of me hasn't changed. That just seemed so mind-blowing to me today while I wasn't thinking about my financial situation and the extreme discomfort I feel around it. I guess I use money addictively the same way I use food. Good Lord how fucking annoying. But as they say I can't fix something or allow it to be fixed until I realize it's even there. IT'S THE FUCKING ONION LAYERS. Okay. Oooooookay. Greaaaat.
So now my challenge is to not desperately take jobs that I don't like or don't feel good or cant pay me what I need. I guess just don't be desperate. Just writing that is making me feel desperate. Okay. OKAY. Challenge number 5006. Ugh. It's up to me. I had an acting partner 20 years ago - he was GORGOEUS - intense - sweet and one time after a rehearsal in a coffee shop he said to me "It's up to you - it's always going to be up to you - whatever you are doing." I just looked at him and smiled because I had no idea what he was talking about and then I left - I was leaving anyway and I was confused....so as I was leaving the coffee shop I looked back at him to see if I could figure something else out or I don't know why and he was just GLARING at me. Haha! It was like he was like why the fuck am I giving this clueless twat a life lesson she isn't going to figure out for 20 years. I wonder where he is now? Love you Bluebie byeeee.
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