Do you want to rent some space in my head?

I love to let shit live in my head.  That's not true - I don't love it - it makes me sick - but I do it - A LOT - so I must love it.  Oh gosh - why can't I just let myself be fucking angry about it?  I am upset!  There is shit just taking up space in my sweet head and it exhausts me and doesn't leave room for creativity. Gross.  But what can I do?  I'm fully aware of it and hopefully I can just stop acting on it.  I have been suffering from depression lately - I think it's made worse from the menopause but WOW - today?  I woke up and it puuuuulled me DOWN.  Fuck.  Anyway my guy always says by 1:00 we lift out of it and I did.  I also ate 7 cookies - GLUTEN FREE - but yes 7 and I felt so much better.  I am just sad though.  I had this really long conversation with my sponsor about these situations I allow to happen that make me feel awful.  Worse than awful.  She asked me why I think I deserve that and I do not know.  It kept me up again last night - just her saying I deserve better and I guess that's it.  I mean this is what I did with men.  Until I finally gave up.  Now I am here and it's so painful and I keep not sleeping and that just makes everything worse.  It's okay.  I also realized something else..

I'm an actor and I want to make people feel as an actor BUT - I am alanonic and it makes me want to PUKE when anyone is upset or not feeling well.  I am always stopping myself so I don't upset people or say the worng thing or make them feel badly and WHAT A FUCKING CONUNDRUM.  What a conflict.  Holy shit.  I am like clamped up inside myself.  I always speak quietly at auditions - I'm just fucking terrified of myself and how it could hurt others.  Now I hear some douchebags voice in my head saying "That's just being self-centered toooo."  I guess it is.  Regardless I am at some fucking serious fork in the road and I do not feel well.  I don't know how to express it although this is helping.  I'm afraid of myself and hyper vigilant about the world around me and it's fucking exhausting.  I can't take it anymore.  How have I even gotten anywhere is beyond me.  I have always heard that I need ot get out of my own way.  I guess that's why I love writing.  It's easier.  IT's just me here and like 3 voices in my head that's it. Haha I am just kidding but I do have different voices or people opinions floating around but you know they aren't really here.  Maybe I don't deserve everything. Maybe I don't deserve to be making a living doing what I love and what I am passionate about.  But I know for a fucking fact that I do not deserve bullshit and I don't deserve to feel bad about myself and I certainly don't deserve lack.  I am fucking enraged.  I am enraged that I have settled for nothing in certain areas of my life - ENRAGED.  This program promises that we are happy, joyous and free and I want that.  A man in my group always says full time membership gets fulltime benefits and I FUCKING WANT THAT.  God I just am so angry.  This is different too - it's that I just have barked up that stupid fucking tree for the last time.  I know I'm not making any sense but it doesn't matter. 

I can sit with myself & be with myself and find the people.  I can trust in my God and I can find the people who trust in theirs.  I can find the brave ones.  I can find the people or let God bring them to me.  I can seek the love.  I can let myself free.  It's okay.  I fucking matter. A LOT.  We all do but I can't tell that to anyone.  Yeah.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.