Hot Mess!

I'm a hot mess!  I have been crying all morning.  It's all of the physical stuff combined with I have no idea what?  I miss my father although I only cried about that briefly.  I am just so overwhelmed - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been in physical pain and now the nausea and good lord all the other stuff.  Blah blah.  So I'm emotional because people are being so kind and loving and I am being supported.  I never even knew what that word meant until now.  I literally feel propped up by people.  It's so mind blowing.  So loving.  I am also what?  What was I going to say?  Fuck I don't remember.  Ha!  There you go - take yourself too seriously and God is like forget it.  Oye.  Well anyway this has been an emotional and exhausting morning although I still managed to pray, meditate and write in my journal.  And eat breakfast!  That was good.  The guy has to go to court again this morning for Batshit Crazy Barbara Driscoll.  Ah ugh.  Sigh.  I wonder who else she is harassing and being nutso to?  There has to be other people right?  I mean when I'm an asshole is a whole day of people I butt heads with - so she must have other people that she's being crazy to right?  Why am I even saying that?  I'm not sure it just occurred to me the other night.  Maybe I should take a bath.  I am cold.  I'm so tired already and it's 9:55 in the morning!  You know I cried through most of my meditation I should just do it again.  I know I must sound like I am losing it but even though I'm such a mess in my heart I am okay.  It's like I'm detoxing emotionally or something.  Just like barfing feelings through my tears.  No that's not quite right.  Just cleaning house I guess.  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  I am going to meditate again.  I can get in bed and meditate.  Just breathe and meditate.  Just get centered and go to my doctor's appointment.  Maybe eat a donut.  Yeah or a scone or something.  I know!  I'm going to call my new sponsor first.  Yes.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.