Free Will.

Okay I go to this Alanon meeting and there is woman that goes to it - she's a piece of work you know?  Tall, big and has bleached blonde short hair, wears TONS of gold, long nails, heels, sun glasses on ALL the time, thick NY accent, drinks ice coffee out of a giant LOUD plastic clanking bottle that is so fucking annoying it's UNREAL and when she shares talks for like 20 minutes no lie.  That being said she has so many great things to say and I always relate to her and she really has a connection to a higher power AND she's a seeker.  It's so fucking crazy.  You really can not judge a book by it's cover OR by how fucking clanking that books stupid ice coffee is.  Between her jewelry and her fucking ice she's like one giant clank.  She pulls SO MUCH FOCUS.  But again - she's wonderful on the inside.  She told me I would wake up from my surgery and that I would be fine.  She also said something about my higher power loves me and I will be okay and that I can be okay if I want to because He gave us Free Will.  That really struck a cord (chord?) with me.  That's it right?  We have free will.  We have a choice.  Sometimes.  Sometimes not.  But sometimes.  For some reason I am thinking about that today.  Why did God give us free will?  I don't know.  I don't know but I also don't know why I am write on here I secret anymore until I say something like that and then I remember how flipped out most of the world gets when you speak about GOD.  Even I do!  When people post shit online about God I'm like SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Do that shit in private like a human being you fucking animal.  I REALLY feel that way.  It makes me wildly uncomfortable.  So yeah then I just remember that's why this blog is a secret.  Or am I just a pussy?  I don't know.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe there's third option behind door number 3.  I think it's interesting.  I spend so much of my life trying to get attention and jobs where people look at me and listen to me.  So I love that this is something that doesn't directly have to do with me.  I'm doing this solely to express myself and keep record of my journey through sobriety, life and now breast cancer.  It's like a giant science experiment.  What?  No that's not it.  It's giant science journal.  What?  It's just notes!  Notes on my life!  I dig it.  Who gives a fuck why!  I have to go and pretend to exercise.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE