Panic.

I'm so sickened by what happened in Texas.  It's so awful - what happened to that man?  What happens to people?  I don't know - it's horrifying.......


I am in a fight right now for my own life and I am in a panic about it.  I haven't gotten to a calm place yet about starting chemo tomorrow - I still feel so unsure about it - if I am doing the right thing.  I felt better after I saw the snake doctor Saturday but today I have been crying all morning - ever since I woke up.  I have just been researching and digging - I don't know.  I just haven't gotten there yet.  My friend said to fake it till you make it.  I just write that and got instantly exhausted.  I had a nice weekend......we went to my show Saturday and went and saw Gilbert - it was such a wonderful movie.  We walked yesterday, had sex - I cooked and went to a restorative yoga class.  I don't know.  I made this dish - it was fucking delicious - ready?  Here's what it was........I boiled 4 organic potatoes - the baking kind - right?  Peeled them, cut them up.  In a pain I sautéed about 6 cloves of garlic and one yellow onion with some chopped up organic walnuts.  Then I put in the potatoes and sautéed all of that until it became almost homefries but with the potatoes not really crispy still kind of soft.  Then I added (oh olive oil too of course plenty) RED rice - cooked all that up and the last thing I added was arugula.  IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS.  Those other rices are fucking fantastic.  Oh I also added sea salt, fresh pepper and chipotle.  Yeah it fucking rocked.  The guy loved it even!  I was supposed to go to an audition today and a doctor's appointment and I canceled both.  I just couldn't.  I can feel the stress in my left breast.  All toxic things, people and thoughts - they all go to my left breast - it's nuts.

A woman on Saturday morning told me I'm saving myself by doing the chemotherapy.  I wrote that and my boob hurt.  What is my hesitation?  I am so scared and it seems archaic.  That being said I said that about mammograms and that one saved my fucking life.  I feel completely different about them now.  Okay this is what I am going to do.  I am going to take a shower.  I am going to breathe while I get ready.  I am going to go to a wig place.  I am gong to breathe and go see those kids.  I am going to fucking pray all day.  I am going to pray right now when I finish typing this.  I am going to love.  I love my boyfriend.  I don't want to leave him.  I love my life here.  I love my comedy and that has taken years to happen again.  I love my family.  My sister and my mother sent me flowers - they are so beautiful.  I don't want to leave my family.  I guess I want to live.  Life is pain - I excepted that years ago.  On the other side is healing right?  If I can somehow feel that in my body,,,,,in my heart?  I don't know........what does my heart want?  What would you do?  Would you do it?