The Healing of Hugh Hefner and Caturday.

Hugh Hefner died and I have been using him as a healing angel.  I was meditating one day this eek - I mean was it yesterday? He just died on the 27th - okay so I don't remember but - oh maybe it was the next day.  Yes - or the day that he died?  ANYWAY I was meditating and I was in pain and I asked Hugh Hefner to help me and I felt a surge of healing energy come into me.  Surge is an exaggeration - a bunch of healing energy - a strong current of healing energy - that's it.  A current of healing energy and so now he is one of my healing angels.  I just realized he was all about the boobs so that seems perfect - or something - I don't know.  Maybe it was the medication.  I'm home on the couch.  I went to my ladies meeting this morning and celebrated my anniversary - it was great.  I really needed a meeting and I really needed to talk about the pills I was taking this week.  They made me so sick and I WANTED MORE.  I actually told myself while I was so nauseous and feeling terrible "That I just need to get past this part to get to the good part."  How fucking alcoholic is that?  Jesus.  Anyway.  My sister told me it's Caturday so she is going to send me cat videos to cheer me up.  I heard from the doctor yesterday.  It's not such great news - I need chemo.  So that's the next step.  She ended up taking out 4 tumors.  I have to say that I really was like wow - holy shit - this - I really fucking have breast cancer.  What the fuck.  I was so upset last night.  I was crying - my boyfriend was crying.  He's so upset to see me going through this.  It's got to be so stressful for him too.  They give coins at my ladies meetings for your anniversary right?  You pick them out of a bag.  My coin says "Change your attitude change your world."  I said oh that's a funny coin for me because I have a bad attitude.  And you know how I REALLY know that's true?  Because I was like "THIS COIN SUCKS."  Ha!  I was so annoyed I didn't get a more awesome coin.  SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC.  Someone offered to switch coins with me - how sweet is that?  I kept it though because honestly - that's what I must need to have.  Also it is everything, attitude.  My mother has a great attitude.  She has had a cataract in her eye for like 15 years that has never grown.  Maybe it's genetics but she is really someone who takes a punch and keeps going.  She has mad acceptance in her life.  A super strong connection to her higher power and an amazing attitude.  She's not in lala land either - she exists in reality.  I know I am not going to feel this way when I am sick from chemo but this is an opportunity.  It has to be.  I have no fucking idea what it is but it is an opportunity.  I would have thought I have changed so much.  I mean maybe but maybe not.  My thinking has really stayed the same all these years.  Much less crazy but still pretty negative.  Am I beating myself up?  Christ I hope not.  It's a though and an observation.  I have to say I am healing from the surgery and I feel a little better.  I mean it has to help to have that cancer out of me right?  Maybe I'm imagining it but I also feel a little clearer in my right frontal lobe when I meditate.  How fucking nuts is that?  I realized it the other day - like someone cleared something away in my brain or my mind.  It feels breezier.  Just - clearer.  Whatever.  I need to meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  Love you Bluebie bye.