I guess.....

I have to decide if I want to live.  That's it right?  I mean I have to really fucking decide.  The doctor called me today and explained what needs to be done and a big chunk (barf and not her wording) needs to be taken out and I can do that or the other thing.  Because they don't know till they operate what's going on - that's all - and more might need to be done later.  More and even the big deal thing.  I can't write it!  I just can't.  Anyway she gives me these options and then was like "What do you think?"  Ha.  Or not ha I don't know.  I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said lumpectomy.  she told me to think about it.  I called my therapist, two women who have had this and my boyfriend.  And my mother.  Okay so I decide lumpectomy and then it was the end of their day and I still don't have surgery scheduled or at least I don't think so.  Meanwhile I somehow write a little bit and work on my jokes, get myself showered (finally) and go do a show.  It was great.  It was such a fucking relief to do a show.  So much fun.  Then we went to another club, watched some comedy till my friend flipped out and needed pizza.  I drove her home and came home.  I sang in the car on the way home.  Then I get here and I have been fighting this cold right?  I mean ever since this happened and I started to take all the supplements and stuff from the Snake Doctor I have been getting this cold on and off again.  It also seems like when my body is trying to recover from the tests that I get the cold again.  ANYWAY so I get here and I am trying to figure out if this shit is in my lymph nodes or not - you know like is this cold because of that?  Is that why my back feels a little funny?  Ugh anyway - who the fuck knows?  I can't figure out an answer because really the only way anyone can figure it out is by operating on them.  Or whatever - biopsying them?  Then I think about how I need to keep eating healthy and then I just realized this, and I have thought it many times but it was very clear to me that I have to fucking decide I want to live.  Really.  I want to live and I want to heal and I want to get out of my own way to let that happen.  Is that my answer?  I think that is still part of the question.  When I was driving into the city tonight my fight or flight was so fucking kicked in and I just was like holy shit I have breast cancer.  What the fuck?  What the fuck is that?  Not one person in my huge family has ever had any cancer of any kind.  And so what?  It doesn't matter - I do.  I do and I need to decide if I want to live and then I need to decide I really want to live.  I think I'm tired now.