A Penny Has Two Faces

Do you remember or did you ever watch that movie White Nights?  With Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines?  I must have watched that movie 40 times.  Maybe it was 14 times but it was as many times as I could watch it.  I had the soundtrack - on CASETTE what?  There was a song on the soundtrack called "The Other Side of The World" and the first lyric says "A penny has two faces, when one of them you have to chose - between two places - one must win an one must lose."  Chaka Khan baby!!  Um I just looked it up to make sure that was the right song and got completely lost in videos from the movie.  The dancing is so fucking awesome.  OKAY WHAT WAS MY POINT?  I have no idea.  some thing about how things totally suck right now yet I can chose to not see it that way if I want.  I have health insurance, I am being taken care of and I am loved.  It's always a choice I guess.  I have a friend - let's call her Blurgon because that's her name.  Ha no.  Her name is not Blurgon but it rhymes with Blurgon.  Ha not it doesn't.  It doesn't matter.  She has been my tenth step buddy for years - yeaaaars.  I give a lot of my time to this woman and she has given me a lot of time although not as much.  As soon as this happened she seemed strangely distant about it but more than that - the last couple of weeks she just calls me, yells about her husband, we do the tenth step and then she says thank you.  Doesn't even ask about me.  It doesn't matter,  Okay that's a lie it totally matters - it's so hurtful.  But guess what? I have never asked that much of her - out of fear.  Fear that she's better than me, that she has too much to do, a bigger life I don't know.  But guess what?  I asked for 30% and now in a time where I honestly and truly need support?  She's not showing up.  But why would she?  I have never really asked her to.  It's so gross.  And this - THIS IS MY PATTERN.  I don't do it with men anymore I just do it with friends.  Good God.  Well anyway I am have been crying all morning on and off.  They are going to take a lot out of each boob - I am so fucking sad and scared.  I just can't imagine having a friend tell me that they have breast cancer and then for WEEKS never asking about even after a phone conversation.  Do I matter so little to this woman whose phone calls I take ALL THE TIME?  Yes I still have PMS.  IT doesn't matter what I would do what matters is what I accept and I do not accept this.  So anyway I realized while I was writing in my journal that I have people who aren't or can't show up but guess what?  There are so many other people who have honestly and truly shown up for me.  Could I say something to her?  Yes and I am sure she would be receptive but it feels exhausting.  Exhausting and terrifying and just I don't know.  Haven't I been exhausted and terrified enough lately?  I am allowed to feel disappointed.  I am allowed to feel wildly disappointed and not have to be responsible for this relationship.  She's a grown-ass woman in multiple programs.  Regardless I have a choice to see what is good in my life right now far outweighs what is hurting me - at least people-wise.  This surgery is finally going to be next week and I am - I don't know.  So scared.  I'm going to go for a walk.  It's sunny out - it's a beautiful day.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am also allowed to feel grateful, loved, hurt, scared, bewildered, confused, kind and tired.  All of it.  Bye.

PS.  Okay I went for a walk and it's well over an hour later.  I just have to say I - omg what?  What in the fuck am I trying to say?  Look - Blurgon doesn't know I'm upset and I have never told her the different times I have been upset when she's been super selfish and self-centered.  This is my bizarre pattern with people.  We tell them how we are to be treated.  And listen how she is acting is a reflection of her not me - but I'm the one that accepts it or not.  Anyway I realized on my walk that it's time I chose me in every way.  That is what other people do.  It's my alanon disease that tells me I have some sort of overdeveloped sense of responsibility for other people's feelings.  I deserve to have in relationships what I give.  God fucking Lord do I have PMS or what?  Maybe I am just having actual appropriate feelings to people's shortcomings.  Maybe!  God let me please let this go.  I have so much else to worry about.  So many other places to put my energy.