Exhausted.

I went and got the MRI this morning - good Lord that was rough.  It was a much smaller machine and how the fuck do people do those who don't meditate?  I kept saying "I can do this it's going to save my life" over and over and over again.  As I write this though I'm not sure if that's true but I had to tell myself that to get through it.  I felt my father there.  A young version of my father.  I almost started to cry and then I had to stop because if you move the tiniest bit they have to start over.  I smelled so bad.  I couldn't take a shower this morning and I haven't been wearing deodorant because of the tests.  I kept saying "Oh I smell so bad"  hoping she would say no you don't!  But that never happened.  Anyway I am home and on the couch.  The guy went with me and was so nice.  Okay so I had to cancel the podcast tonight which is a bummer but I just can't drive into the city.  I bled everywhere last night - I need to rest.  I think I need to take a nap.  I started to watch the video they sent me about the operation and I had to turn it off.  I was like whoa - can not take anymore today.  Or at least not till later.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe when I find out for sure when the surgery is!  Okay love love bye.